10 Months ago...

Was it really that short of a time?

I was looking back at my old posts and it feels like that was YEARS ago... How does time do that??

Life seemed and was so shitty and hard and I didn't know how I was going to get through the day let alone the next 6 months after that...

I feel stupid feeling scared about saying it, but I feel like my life is falling back into place again...

Obviously things are different, my friends are graduating, and life is going to change AGAIN. But this time it will be in a good and exciting way...

I'm not sure where life is going to take me but I hope it's somewhere where I will be happy and doing what I love and being with the ones I love...

I am doing things I would have NEVER done before cancer came into my life. Like Surfing! It was so much fun, I have been told by many of the instructors that I am a natural. It makes me wonder how good I could have been before the cancer... Oh well, I am doing it now and that's all that matters...

It helps, because if I can SURF, I feel like I can do ANYTHING! Some of my friends can't even surf with their 2 legs (this sounds mean but it makes me feel good haha)

I feel like I curse myself when I say this, but I also feel like things are going to be different.

My life is falling into place. I know there will still be ups and downs but I get to LIVE my life now. Without pain holding me back, with less worry about cancer coming back, without restrictions...

Jigsaw falling into place
There is nothing to explain
Regard each other as you pass
She looks back, you look back
Not just once, not just twice

Wish away a nightmare, Wish away a nightmare
You got a light, you can feel it on your back
A light, you can feel it on your back
Jigsaw falling into place...

(Radiohead)

Feet, I mean Foot...

I find it weird that things that I say and do now have to substantially change because I am now an amputee. It throws me off sometimes...

I have to catch myself when I say feet instead of foot:
"My feet hurt, I mean foot", "hey can you grab my shoes, I mean shoe", "I have to put one foot in front of the other...uhhh I guess I have to be really fast then", "I almost stood on the board with both feet...agh!". And THEN it changes when I have my leg on!!! Well, most of them...sometimes my other "foot" does hurt too.

That's another thing. When I am talking about phantom sensations I have to now put quotations around "knee" "foot" "leg" in order for it to make sense. And the phantom pains happen at the weirdest times... When I see someone get hurt on TV or whatever it makes my "leg" hurt. Sometimes if someone touches me lightly I get a stabbing pain in my "foot". Why the hell do our brains work so weird sometimes??? And for some reason I can always feel my "foot" whether its hurting or not. I find it all very puzzling.

Statements I never thought I would ever utter:
I need to take my leg off... Can you plug my leg in?... **fart** sorry that was my leg...no really, it was my leg... My leg needs to be calibrated again... Can you adjust my foot?... Sorry, I need to take my leg off before I get in the pool...

The things that I find amusing:
I don't really have to pair my socks because I use a thinner sock for my leg (I found myself wondering why my boyfriend brought out 2 socks for my friend to wear...that's how bad it has gotten haha). I have to put my pants then my shoes on the leg before I even put it on...too much of a pain in the ass to try and do after the fact. The foot on the leg is slightly too big so I have to spend a half hour sometimes just getting the damn shoe on (not so amusing). I have LUBE for my LEG! I get to sit down in the shower!!! I have built in hydrolics! My leg cost 4 times the amount of my car...yes I said four. People give me evil stares as I park in the handicap spot...then they feel bad when I get out of the car.

Children:
A little girl looked at my leg, looked at her own leg, then repeated the process about 3 more times. "what is different here...." I don't think she ever figured it out.
A little boy STARED at my leg in line at the grocery store, tugged as hard as he could on his dads' shirt, and said as he pointed "DAD LOOK!" the dad refused to turn around because he was too embarrassed by his kids' candidness.
A shy little 5 yr old boy was staring, timidly tapped his mom, pointed, and the mom replied "if you want to know what happened why don't you ask?" knowing that he wouldn't DARE speak to me.

Parents:
I would like to have a disclaimer for all parents. Kids are curious, they don't know any better. If you ignore their questions, tell them to be quiet, stop pointing or flat out ignore them you are only going to magnify the stigma that is people's disability. If I am smiling at your kid and you while he asks where my leg went, tell them! They aren't stupid (they are actually a lot smarter than you think)! You don't have to dumb it down, just be honest! You are not going to offend me! And I think ANY person knows that kids are not malicious, they are just CURIOUS.

HELP:
If I do not ask for help, don't help me. I do not consider myself DISABLED. I am perfectly ABLE. I do have to do things a little bit different than before. I am not going to let someone patronize me by practically pushing me out of the way to open the door for me, or trying to do my job for me because you think I can't do it. I did not get this far to just let everyone do things for me. I know my limit, and I know when to ask for help, I am not THAT stubborn. I feel like I need to sing a Beatles song now..."help me get my feet back on the ground"...I mean foot

Life Transformed...

My great grandmother just died this past week at the bold age of 96 and left behind her husband, my great grandpa.

They had been married for 75 years...some people don't even live that long in the first place!

I just keep thinking back to the stories I have heard and wonder if my grandpa is going to die soon. Death from a broken heart? Is there such a thing? Can love even be THAT strong?

Is it wrong I am more sad for my grandpa than I am for my grandma's death?

(Don't get me wrong. I am going to miss her dearly. But she had a long, happy life).

I just keep imagining him that first night lying in that bed all by himself...how would that feel? It breaks my heart to even think about it...

They always say that time flies by the older you get. In this situation, I think the world would stop...

Live, LOVE, Laugh, Never take anything for granted... life is short, even if you do live to be 96 years old.

Just Dance...

If only it were that easy...

Dance was my outlet, my creativity flowing through me, my spiritual guide through good and bad times, my passage to speaking to God and letting him speak through me, my friend, my life...

Is it sad or wrong that I am still heartbroken over never being able to REALLY dance ballet or modern again? Is it wrong that dance is the only thing I truly mourn losing from all of this??? I mourn losing dance more than I mourn losing my leg... what sense does that make???

It hurts to even watch other dancers just dancing like its nothing...it literally hurts

I didn't even know my last dance would be my last...and for some reason I can remember every beating moment...

Why does it always seem to work out that way? Pianist gets arthritis, photographer goes blind, musician goes deaf, dancer loses her leg... Or maybe we just bring light to these instances because they are more tragic and weirdly poetic...

I feel so selfish saying this but why the fuck did this have to happen? It doesn't seem fair. Can't we just find a way to transfer this pain, sickness, heartache to the evil people in the world? I know so many wonderful people that go through this bullshit every day. My friends' cancer may be back for the FOURTH time... how is that fair???

I love them for it though, because they are the most compassionate, forgiving, wonderful, strong, beautiful people I have and ever will meet. And they wouldn't be who they are if it weren't for cancer.

But why does it have to take CANCER to make these amazing people?

Even though it breaks my heart, I will still dance as much as I can. And I hope my friends will do the same... I know lady gaga seems like the last person to quote but it feels appropriate:

They say roses have thorns, so just dance, it's going to be OK...

Who...

Who is this girl?

Already damaged, almost broken, almost dead, almost...

Confused to who she is now, trying to find some sort of sense. Maybe find her old self? But I guess after hell no one is really the same...

I forgot about this girl until I saw that picture...

Full of hope and a new sense of life. But scared to make friends because of the ones she lost. Full of dreams, KNOWING this will never happen again...KNOWING...

Holding out for the hope of dancing again...

In so much pain all the time she is never truly herself...

20 pounds lighter, 3 years younger, gone through shit but somehow still naive to the what ifs in life...

Who IS this girl?

Does it really matter anymore? She isn't me...



But who am I?

Some days I feel more whole than I have ever felt in my life. But then I think about what I have lost and it makes me feel just that...lost.

Some days its like this isn't my life...I never imagined my life being like this. Although, I always had some sort of feeling that something was not right with me...

But it still doesn't answer my question...I'm not the goofy teenager I was, I'm not the tormented, angry, self conscious 18-20 yr old either...

All I know is that my life has been harder than most...that may make me a "better and stronger" person in some people's eyes but idk if I feel that way about myself...

I know that people stare when I wear shorts, and some days I feel like telling them to fuck off and other days I wish they would just ask what I know they want to ask.

I don't want to be captured in this little bubble of being an amputee. That's not what defines me, I at least know that much. It's something that happened to me, it was something I had to do to LIVE. It was something I had to do to give me a better chance of NEVER going through this again. It was, the single most difficult decision I have ever made....

So who am I?

I am:
2x cancer survivor, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, amputee, photographer, dancer, choreographer, artist, American, Californian, Christian, musician.

These are all just facts though...but I guess when you mesh them all together that is who I am. This is the path that my life has taken.

Would I change my life if I could? Not sure... if I hadn't gone through any of this I wouldn't be where or who I am now...




Everything Happens For A Reason

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet....

Sense of smell is the most powerful sense to bring back memories. You smell something and INSTANTLY it brings you back to that certain point in your life. My life has been kind of crazy for the past 5 years, but my childhood and teenage years were pretty normal...ahh the good ole days. I wish I knew what I know now...

Plastic:
ALWAYS reminds me of barbies. Spending hours and hours changing clothes and making up stories. I always picked favorite ones (the Courtney doll, wonder why??) and treated my less favorite ones like crap...its weird what is stuck in our memories.

When I was 5 or 6 I wanted more my little ponies to play with in the tub but my mom said I couldn't take in any more. so I tried to hide them behind my naked little butt. It obviously didn't work and I wasn't allowed to have any in the tub.


Horrid dentist office:
PAIN...thats all I could say. My dentist was so horrible, he would say "oops" at least 3 times which was usually following that scraper jabbing into my gums. He had these GIANT glasses with magnifying glasses attached to them. if you are THAT blind should you really be working on my teeth? And if you are a dentist/orthodontist shouldn't you FLOSS your teeth? AND shouldn't your breath smell ok? AND shouldn't your teeth be straight???? what the hell was my mom thinking??



Cow Manure:
(yes I said cow manure)
Reminds me of my grandparents (they raise cows, although I am sure their house would smell bad either way). I had 4 boy cousins that were close in age. We would jump on the trampoline and end up in fighting matches. I would always play "the nutcracker" and win. haha

I remember feeling so special when my great grandma would let me play her mini penny slot machine. She would always say "Don't tell the boys you get to play with this, I think they would break it if they played with it." We always watched little house on the prairie and the price is right. I was always her favorite...I miss her.


Zipper:
Ok this one is weird. The zippers on my zip up sweaters remind me of ocean salt water. The first time I went to Hawaii I LOVED snorkeling. I was so engulfed with the sea life and what was at the bottom I didn't realize how far I was going out. When I finally got up from the water I could see my dad on the top of the cliff yelling and looking for me. At that time I was just annoyed that I had to come back in. But now that I think of it, I probably had my whole family very very worried...sorry dad.

Fresh cut alfalfa:
My parents home, the home I grew up in. When I was home schooled I would always wander off with Brandy my dog (we grew up together, I miss her too), go through the orchard to the fields behind it, watching the tractors drive off after cutting. Running, making adventures up in my head with my trusty side kick. Looking in the irrigation well and finding a baby doll head, for some reason that scared me. When I would be sad she would come up, stick her head through my arm, and rest her head and whole body on me. Her little version of a doggy hug. She was ran over right before I found out I was sick, but she would always rest her head on my left foot or leg like she knew...


Smell of grass in the morning:
Will FOREVER remind me of morning PE at RC (elementary school). We would always have to run the mile once a week. I still to this day hate running...ha! I have an excuse not to now!!! I would always get a ton of grass in the crevasses of my shoes and would concentrate more on getting all the grass out with my pencil than paying attention to my teacher.

My favorite: leather, linoleum, and a little bit of sweat
The smell of my dance class...the place where I grew up...its still too painful...it's like I didn't get to say goodbye...But I guess that is the theme to life...innocence, my grandma, my dog, my life's passion, my leg...life is a series of hello's and goodbye's...we just remember the goodbyes because they are harder...

What a week

So I guess since I have been out of "reality" for the past 8 months it decided it wanted to punch me in the face... kind of a "when it rains it pours" situations.

I have been back in Santa Barbara for a little over a week now and it feels like it has been a whole damn month! Here is the gist of my week:

Sunday: Desktop will not stay on and keeps hibernating, don't really know why....great have to go to geek squad tomorrow. Oh! and while we are at it, let's disable your Norton on your laptop and give you a nice virus that puts shortcuts to porn websites right on your desktop...awesome!!! time to go to the gym where I don't have to think about that shit!!!

Monday: Only took my desktop, wasn't sure if Tony could fix my laptop or not. The line was ridiculously long and the geek squad people were having a day from hell...I can relate. Spend 200 bucks... SO off to the gym to have my free personal training, kind of boring and slightly useless. Then it was 3 the computer lab closed at 5:45 and I had to do both my business and photo prep weeks there because, well, I didn't have a computer! I somehow finished it all with 5 minutes to spare. I came home, had a glass of wine and watched whatever was on our one channel that we get on TV. All the while anticipating my first day back at school.

Tuesday: WHAT...THE...FUCK...I am awake, dressed, drinking coffee, out the door..."where the hell is the sun???" OH YEAH its 6:30 in the morning!!! Wonderful 7am business class followed by a 3 hour photo class. I really like the teacher and am excited for the first assignment: duplicate as exact as possible a shot from a photographer that you wrote about in the prep week. Finished early, drove home, took a nap on the couch,and then brought my laptop to Geek squad (another 200 bucks). I went into ATT because it was right there and my blue tooth wasn't connecting. I felt like I walked into a deserted room with 6 little ATT people huddled up behind one of their longer desks chattin' away. (really do they need that many people working all at once?). They fixed it, I went home, had a glass of wine and watched Six feet Under.

Wednesday: I tried really hard to get up to go to the gym but it just didn't happen. Brought my car to get my oil changed where I found out it was very important that my tires be changed that day. So after a lot of phone calls back and forth with my parents another 500 bucks for 4 tires. While I waited I walked and had lunch at a Mexican restaurant and people watched. SO...MANY...UGGS!!! That's the noise I wanna make when I see those damn things....they r everywhere!!! Came home, saw the Hookah Chris sent me was there, found a broken bowl. Went to IV (where everyone is oblivious to the fact that cars exist so they just saunter right in front of you) got a new bowl and some mint hookah. Went to the mail place because he put insurance on it, found out you have to file the claim online...wonderful. Came home, Hung out with Laurel, smoked some hookah, then went out with Ashley to Dargins' to play pool with Bridgor and Aubs. Found out the Marketing class I was supposed to take all the sudden doesnt clash with my photo class... ahhh I just LOVE admin at Brooks...

Thursday: skipped business...went to photo demo with a very cool professional photog who showed us his way of shooting, learned a lot. Went to Jefferson to try and get into the marketing class where the admins were clueless to the fact that my business class interfered with my photo...typical "hey guys!!! look at your FUCKING schedule and you will see the issue!" Couldn't get in. Came home, took my leg off, took a nap, picked up my laptop (no serious damage) then later got up to get ready to go out. Went to Pressroom then wildcat, which was ridiculously packed. almost fell over a couple of times because people were EVERYWHERE and pushing everyone...still fun, lots of friends went.

Friday: Got up late, gave Laurel her keys. Got ready, went the hour and a half to SLO to see the prosthetist to fix the valve on my leg. Met a nice amp girl that worked there, really like the prosthetist very informative. Tara had class so I drove home. Couldn't put my leg on so I just hung out. Called Geek Squad because they never called me "it says we called you" "yeah you called me about my laptop, get your shit straight" Tony helped me get it and plugged it in and everything for me. watched shows on the computer then went to bed.

Saturday: Took FOREVER to get out of bed. Finally got up, got ready, cleaned my room a little bit. went to the bathroom...great, my toilet isn't flushing...I had to pour and pour and pour water into the tank to just flush it once..."everything is breaking around me!!!" went to get gas, went to get drinks etc, came back and cleaned, got ready for the party. Everyone came fashionably late, some left unfashionably early, some for good reason. smoked hookah, drank, and Tim made me a Hookah CD. Funny conversation, good people, all of my christmas candy got eaten, all a very good night :)

Sunday: Started to think my luck was getting better....NOPE! trying to sign up for a studio "student can only walk in on studios because they are a VJ or VIS student, no reservations"....UHHHH since when???? I have ALWAYS been a photo maj. I called, they said I wasn't even enrolled in a class and that was why. "I AM in a class and it is at the same fucking building you are at right now!" there are no managers because its the weekend and tomorrow is a holiday..."perfect" my fucking assignment is due Tuesday morning and you are telling me you can't do anything about it UNTIL Tuesday??? what the hell am I suppose to do?? NO help No help, their hands are tied because they have no authority...so I have to go first thing tomorrow and try and walk in on a studio...

I REALLY HOPE THIS WEEK IS BETTER....THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!!!

FUCK

Is it wrong that I want to punch my doctor in her stupid fucking face???

Phone calls telling me that I need a needle biopsy is pretty fucking annoying when you are already 3 and a half hours into a drive to move back to a life without assholes like this in it. I have told her more than 5 times I AM MOVING BACK TO SANTA BARBARA AT THE END OF DECEMBER. AND I told her that same thing a week ago when she made me do a last minute MRI that she knew about 3 days before she called me. shouldn't that be something put in my file so you can remember????

Phone call:

Idiot: how are you? Me: Just driving through socal. I: or for vacation? M: no Im moving back to school like I told you...

confusing explantaion for y I need this biopsy (which is more confusing because my surgeon said he didnt see anything worrysome, sooo y the biopsy?)

Idiot: you should do it in 2 weeks or a month. Me: what would u suggest I do? Idiot: Its up to you.

Its up to me???!!! Since when did I get a doctors degree??? Isn't her job to give me her professional opinion on what I am suppose to do in these circumstances?

Me: so is this precaution or is there something to be worried about?.....then the reception goes out, I lose the call, and I cannot get a hold of her.

But of course she calls at like 4:30 so I have no time to call many people to figure out what I am suppose to do. My surgeon had surgeries all day today and the place where I would get the biopsy didn't have the schedule lady there because she was sick. So now its 2:30 in the morning and I am still awake because I am fucking livid and worried and stressed out.

Oh yeah and did I mention I did this MRI a week and a half ago and it only takes a few days for the technician to get back to the doctors...I am sure she had the info last week.

I am done talking to that stupid inconsiderate woman, all she cares about is the diagnosis not the person. I will just talk to my surgeon who actually knows more about my type of cancer than her anyways. I'll let my dad handle her and maybe she will get it through her thick skull that I am a person with a life and don't need to be treated like this....

Almost made it...

Haven't posted lately... no internet at my parents will do that.

Just got into Santa Barbara last night with Chris. We sat under the stars listening to music and I just started thinking. About how much shit I had to go through to be at this point, back where I am suppose to be. This has been the goal that has kept me focused on beating this bullshit and getting this over with...AGAIN.

I get so angry still that all of this happened...again...I honestly think that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason seems a bit blurry. Maybe it will make more sense later on...

I'm being told how well I am doing, how strong I am...idk just gets old. I am ready to be my independent self again, get back into the swing of things, get the real me out there. I was in so much pain before I feel like the real me had been stifled, maybe now my life can be how I really want it to be.

School starts the 12th for me. Still have one more adjustment for my leg, hopefully it will help my walking to be more normal. The bone scan showed a few dark spots, but the xray showed it was not anything worrisome. I did get an MRI as well and am waiting to hear the results, not expecting anything wrong.

Life is getting back to normal :)

Life as it seems...

So I am done with chemo. It feels weird, everything feels weird. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that everything is done. but there is always this nagging feeling that it will come back again...

It came back once, so whats stopping it from coming back again??? If it resisted the harsher chemo then how the hell does this other easier chemo fix it? Am I not being told something??? Are the doctors not telling me that since it came back once that it can just keep coming back???

I may have legitimate worries or I may just be freaking out for nothing. Either way I am finished with it all, I can get on with my life hopefully, and not have any more interruptions. I would like to say I am going back to normalcy but I don't think that is an option for me anymore...