Sunday, February 21, 2010

Who...



Who is this girl?

Already damaged, almost broken, almost dead, almost...

Confused to who she is now, trying to find some sort of sense. Maybe find her old self? But I guess after hell no one is really the same...

I forgot about this girl until I saw that picture...

Full of hope and a new sense of life. But scared to make friends because of the ones she lost. Full of dreams, KNOWING this will never happen again...KNOWING...

Holding out for the hope of dancing again...

In so much pain all the time she is never truly herself...

20 pounds lighter, 3 years younger, gone through shit but somehow still naive to the what ifs in life...

Who IS this girl?

Does it really matter anymore? She isn't me...



But who am I?

Some days I feel more whole than I have ever felt in my life. But then I think about what I have lost and it makes me feel just that...lost.

Some days its like this isn't my life...I never imagined my life being like this. Although, I always had some sort of feeling that something was not right with me...

But it still doesn't answer my question...I'm not the goofy teenager I was, I'm not the tormented, angry, self conscious 18-20 yr old either...

All I know is that my life has been harder than most...that may make me a "better and stronger" person in some people's eyes but idk if I feel that way about myself...

I know that people stare when I wear shorts, and some days I feel like telling them to fuck off and other days I wish they would just ask what I know they want to ask.

I don't want to be captured in this little bubble of being an amputee. That's not what defines me, I at least know that much. It's something that happened to me, it was something I had to do to LIVE. It was something I had to do to give me a better chance of NEVER going through this again. It was, the single most difficult decision I have ever made....

So who am I?

I am:
2x cancer survivor, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, amputee, photographer, dancer, choreographer, artist, American, Californian, Christian, musician.

These are all just facts though...but I guess when you mesh them all together that is who I am. This is the path that my life has taken.

Would I change my life if I could? Not sure... if I hadn't gone through any of this I wouldn't be where or who I am now...




Everything Happens For A Reason

16 comments:

  1. Truly incredible. Thank you for sharing!

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  2. Agreed and you are a tougher than me!

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  3. OMG!!!! I have chills--serious chills! This blog post was AMAZING. I mean, out of this world. I would love for you to guest blog with this exact post if you would like sometime on my blog maybe in a couple weeks? This is incredible!!!!!!!!!

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  4. It does. =)

    This is a great post! You look beautiful as always!

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  5. Read your post thru "A blonde" and wanted to come here myself. So beautifully written. Well done. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable part of your journey. I'm happily following you now. Holly

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  6. you have an incredible story... thank you for sharing it with us. You are right, everything we go through in life makes us who we are. I am glad you don't want to change a thing.

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  7. hey courtney, I came across your blog and I thought I would send out my thoughts. I am a fellow fighter and can relate exactly to not wanting to meet anyone else because I have lost too many people close to me. This cancer thing is not easy, but it takes strong, life-craving people like us to put it in its place. I look forward to following your story!! Check out my blog if you ever need to know that someone else is fighting!

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  8. Found your blog through Juliana, loving it so far. I love your header too. I definitely see Jellyfish which are my favorite animal :)

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  9. Hey, Courtney, girl.
    What an amazing thing for you to put it all out there like that.
    Keep inspiring.
    :)

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  10. Oops! That one up there from Ryan was supposed to be from me, I logged into the wrong account. Sorry!

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  11. Truly moving story. Glad you shared! I admire your courage, beauty and honesty. Life is precious! Stay strong beautiful! XOXO

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  12. Definitely a moving post. I simply think you're amazing! And absolutely gorgeous!!!

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  13. very awesome insight, and authentic! You are a beautiful person, and inspire people! Yes, your story is your strength. Your here, and you are letting the world in on your life, and your beauty gives stregth and hope to others who have none! Rock on!

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  14. Wonderful, transparent post!

    new follower!

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  15. You're amazing.

    That's so cool that you go to Brooks! Yes, we should talk some more! My husband graduated in Dec. 2003. (Does Jim Harmon still teach there?)

    Talk to you soon!

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  16. Keep up your great blog.
    Love, Gramps

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