Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Just Dance...

If only it were that easy...

Dance was my outlet, my creativity flowing through me, my spiritual guide through good and bad times, my passage to speaking to God and letting him speak through me, my friend, my life...

Is it sad or wrong that I am still heartbroken over never being able to REALLY dance ballet or modern again? Is it wrong that dance is the only thing I truly mourn losing from all of this??? I mourn losing dance more than I mourn losing my leg... what sense does that make???

It hurts to even watch other dancers just dancing like its nothing...it literally hurts

I didn't even know my last dance would be my last...and for some reason I can remember every beating moment...

Why does it always seem to work out that way? Pianist gets arthritis, photographer goes blind, musician goes deaf, dancer loses her leg... Or maybe we just bring light to these instances because they are more tragic and weirdly poetic...

I feel so selfish saying this but why the fuck did this have to happen? It doesn't seem fair. Can't we just find a way to transfer this pain, sickness, heartache to the evil people in the world? I know so many wonderful people that go through this bullshit every day. My friends' cancer may be back for the FOURTH time... how is that fair???

I love them for it though, because they are the most compassionate, forgiving, wonderful, strong, beautiful people I have and ever will meet. And they wouldn't be who they are if it weren't for cancer.

But why does it have to take CANCER to make these amazing people?

Even though it breaks my heart, I will still dance as much as I can. And I hope my friends will do the same... I know lady gaga seems like the last person to quote but it feels appropriate:

They say roses have thorns, so just dance, it's going to be OK...


  1. My favorite picture almost ever--but I have told you that a million times. Babe I cannot imagine what you are going through--I really cannot. BUT---you can dance and you still do dance just in different ways. Your words dance on the page of your blog. Your smile dances gracefully into the hearts of everyone around you---including strangers. You can feel the beat in your heart and the music in your soul. Just because you may not be able to leap and twirl like you used to does not make you any less of a beautiful dancer. Think of that tiny dancer on the top of a jewelry box. It cannot jump off and dance around the room, but it has found peace at being on top of that pedestal. I know this may not make you feel better and I am not trying to tell you how to feel, I just hope somehow it makes you feel a bit better!

  2. I can't imagine what you have gone through, but at the same time everything you said makes perfect sense and I understand (as best anyone not going through it possibly could. I know how painful it was to sit out and have to watch dance classes and performances I had to drop out of because of a major back injury, it sucked. Your situation is worse, I know, and I am by no means comparing the two, but I just want you to know that I do understand what you are saying about missing dance more than the leg. I also want you to know that I am here for you as support for you, and to tell you that there are many avenues in dance that you can still be extremely active in.

    Choreography - I watched a piece last year that was choreographed by a former dancer. She too can no longer dance herself.

    Musical Theater - They don't care about a leg lost, you may not be in big dance numbers if you can't do the movement but as a performer they enjoy having "real people" on stage (if that makes sense)

    Dance Critic

    Dance Photographer (two areas you are gifted, dance and photography)

    The list can go on.

    I love you and remember dancing with you throughout the years, and I think of you often.