Sunday, April 18, 2010

10 Months ago...

Was it really that short of a time?

I was looking back at my old posts and it feels like that was YEARS ago... How does time do that??

Life seemed and was so shitty and hard and I didn't know how I was going to get through the day let alone the next 6 months after that...

I feel stupid feeling scared about saying it, but I feel like my life is falling back into place again...

Obviously things are different, my friends are graduating, and life is going to change AGAIN. But this time it will be in a good and exciting way...

I'm not sure where life is going to take me but I hope it's somewhere where I will be happy and doing what I love and being with the ones I love...

I am doing things I would have NEVER done before cancer came into my life. Like Surfing! It was so much fun, I have been told by many of the instructors that I am a natural. It makes me wonder how good I could have been before the cancer... Oh well, I am doing it now and that's all that matters...

It helps, because if I can SURF, I feel like I can do ANYTHING! Some of my friends can't even surf with their 2 legs (this sounds mean but it makes me feel good haha)

I feel like I curse myself when I say this, but I also feel like things are going to be different.

My life is falling into place. I know there will still be ups and downs but I get to LIVE my life now. Without pain holding me back, with less worry about cancer coming back, without restrictions...

Jigsaw falling into place
There is nothing to explain
Regard each other as you pass
She looks back, you look back
Not just once, not just twice

Wish away a nightmare, Wish away a nightmare
You got a light, you can feel it on your back
A light, you can feel it on your back
Jigsaw falling into place...


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Feet, I mean Foot...

I find it weird that things that I say and do now have to substantially change because I am now an amputee. It throws me off sometimes...

I have to catch myself when I say feet instead of foot:
"My feet hurt, I mean foot", "hey can you grab my shoes, I mean shoe", "I have to put one foot in front of the other...uhhh I guess I have to be really fast then", "I almost stood on the board with both feet...agh!". And THEN it changes when I have my leg on!!! Well, most of them...sometimes my other "foot" does hurt too.

That's another thing. When I am talking about phantom sensations I have to now put quotations around "knee" "foot" "leg" in order for it to make sense. And the phantom pains happen at the weirdest times... When I see someone get hurt on TV or whatever it makes my "leg" hurt. Sometimes if someone touches me lightly I get a stabbing pain in my "foot". Why the hell do our brains work so weird sometimes??? And for some reason I can always feel my "foot" whether its hurting or not. I find it all very puzzling.

Statements I never thought I would ever utter:
I need to take my leg off... Can you plug my leg in?... **fart** sorry that was my really, it was my leg... My leg needs to be calibrated again... Can you adjust my foot?... Sorry, I need to take my leg off before I get in the pool...

The things that I find amusing:
I don't really have to pair my socks because I use a thinner sock for my leg (I found myself wondering why my boyfriend brought out 2 socks for my friend to wear...that's how bad it has gotten haha). I have to put my pants then my shoes on the leg before I even put it on...too much of a pain in the ass to try and do after the fact. The foot on the leg is slightly too big so I have to spend a half hour sometimes just getting the damn shoe on (not so amusing). I have LUBE for my LEG! I get to sit down in the shower!!! I have built in hydrolics! My leg cost 4 times the amount of my car...yes I said four. People give me evil stares as I park in the handicap spot...then they feel bad when I get out of the car.

A little girl looked at my leg, looked at her own leg, then repeated the process about 3 more times. "what is different here...." I don't think she ever figured it out.
A little boy STARED at my leg in line at the grocery store, tugged as hard as he could on his dads' shirt, and said as he pointed "DAD LOOK!" the dad refused to turn around because he was too embarrassed by his kids' candidness.
A shy little 5 yr old boy was staring, timidly tapped his mom, pointed, and the mom replied "if you want to know what happened why don't you ask?" knowing that he wouldn't DARE speak to me.

I would like to have a disclaimer for all parents. Kids are curious, they don't know any better. If you ignore their questions, tell them to be quiet, stop pointing or flat out ignore them you are only going to magnify the stigma that is people's disability. If I am smiling at your kid and you while he asks where my leg went, tell them! They aren't stupid (they are actually a lot smarter than you think)! You don't have to dumb it down, just be honest! You are not going to offend me! And I think ANY person knows that kids are not malicious, they are just CURIOUS.

If I do not ask for help, don't help me. I do not consider myself DISABLED. I am perfectly ABLE. I do have to do things a little bit different than before. I am not going to let someone patronize me by practically pushing me out of the way to open the door for me, or trying to do my job for me because you think I can't do it. I did not get this far to just let everyone do things for me. I know my limit, and I know when to ask for help, I am not THAT stubborn. I feel like I need to sing a Beatles song now..."help me get my feet back on the ground"...I mean foot