Six is my lucky number

Six years ago today I lost a piece of my body, lost my sense of security.... lost my mobility that would not return until three years later when I saw these screws again outside of my body...

They may look like pieces of torture but they are the things, to put it simply, that saved my life...

Three years after having half my tibia, all of my knee and part of my femur removed and replaced to get rid of the cancer, it came back...

The only way I found out... and would have found out for quite some time without it... was these four pieces of surgical steel...

The tumor just happened to be right underneath where these were... just happened to start pushing them out... just happened to cause me more pain... and I just happened to be in San Francisco interning when I needed surgery from my San Francisco surgeon...

Kind of makes me feel like I am suppose to do something important in life... because all these things don't "just happen"...

So ask yourself this... do you believe in coincidences? Do you believe that things just happen for no reason whatsoever? Or should you open up to the opportunities that come before you? Should you try not to be scared and head to that trip that may take your life in a completely different direction? Should you take risks knowing things may pan out or may not.... knowing that you may hit a dead end but you still tried?

The people I most admire take risks... they put themselves out there and grab on to whatever life has in store for them... I try and emulate them every day with everything I do, reminding myself that it's worth trying because it may be a new avenue in life that is exciting and prosperous...

And if it isn't?? OH WELL! You can say you tried...

Where is this going? You tell me... is it a coincidence you are reading this right now? Or does everything happen for a reason?

Funny things about being an amputee

It's been 3 years since I lost my leg... not a sad thing for me, but people still seem to feel sorry for me. DON'T! haha my life is so much better without it! I would have never met the people I have met, heard stories I have heard, and found a new sort of twisted humor out of it all...

Some of the things I would never thought I would say in my life:

"Hold on let me put my leg on"

"My feet are cold...I mean foot"

 "My feet hurt...I mean foot"

"My feet are wet...I mean foot"

"It's my leg corner!"

"My hydraulics are squeaky" 

"Hold on, have to charge my leg"

"EFF my leg just died!"

"Tattoo my leg, I'll be back for it later"

"I have to get my leg calibrated"

"My leg guy just called me"

"There are three dismembered feet on my bedroom floor right now..."

Some of the things I would never thought I would have heard in my life:

"If I were you and lost my leg I think I would have killed myself" (wtf?!)

"MOM WHERE DID HER LEG GO?!"

"MOM SHE HAS A REALLY SMALL LEG!"

"MOM LOOOOK" (frantically pointing at me)

"MOM SHE HAS A ROBOT LEG!"

(Man) "Did you break your leg?" (7 yr old cousin) "NO SHE DOESN'T HAVE ONE!!"

(if you haven't been able to tell children like to yell)

"Did a shark eat your leg?!"

"Thank you for your service" "I am not a Vet"...awkward silence

Some things people say to me not realizing my leg is missing (AKA awkward central) then I have to explain my leg is not THERE:

"Did you tear your ACL?"

 (apparently the most common knee injury. I hear this ALOT)

"What happened to your knee?"

"Your knee looks out of place"

"Your knee looks weird"

(walk up to cashier with crutches) "Oh did you break your ankle?"

 (I always imagine their face when I walk away...I get embarrassed for them)

And a lot more of how did you break/hurt your ankle/knee...stop being so nosy people! You make yourself look stupid!

There are a ton of jokes that I never thought I would make but that will have to be in another blog because there are plain just too many...

I never take anything serious from people about missing my leg and I just decide to find it all amusing... even the rude comments. 

Why not, right? :)

 

A Different World...

Before I had cancer my life was pretty vanilla cookie cutter. It's a really strange world now that I am a minority... Even though I am not in a wheelchair I think of my friends that have a really difficult time accessing buildings, pools, houses etc...I also really notice if someone illegally takes a handicap spot...Karma is going to get you if you illegally take a handicap spot...just saying... 

That being said, I get GLARED at when seen taking a handicap spot... that is until they see me get out of my car, look down and sheepishly look away... Not only is it unusual to be missing a limb it is more unusual to be a young person missing a limb and even MORE unusual to be a young female missing a limb... 

Therefore there is not a day goes by that I don't get stared at... I have grown to live with the stares and the comments...but some days I just wish I had a rest from it... 

A rest from little kids pointing, saying "mommy look!" and their mothers telling them to shut up...a rest from "oh did your hurt your ankle...oh"...a rest from "how did you lose your leg"...a rest from awkwardly explaining to someone that I was never in the service after they have just thanked me...

 There are not many days where I feel like that because for the most part I have accepted that this is a part of my life and that people will never changed...human nature is so strange... 

 I have a new story every day of something funny/interesting/stupid/rude that someone has done towards me...I know my friends love my stories haha... 

All in all it's going to be a strange/interesting life for me for a very long time...and it will be a completely different world for me than it was 3 years ago... 

 C'est La Vie!

Dance is Life

 

Dance was a huge part of my life for so so long... it still is... 

I have found my place in the world but sometimes I feel like I am missing something... 

 I have been so lucky to find a disabled dance group and found so many great friends through this... but it's so hard to find a way or time to be able to keep the momentum from that life changing week... 

So what do we do when we feel like we have lost momentum? 

Forget about it? Dwell in the past? Try harder? Find a new way? 

Surf has helped me feel centered like dance has. But dance is where I can let my emotions go...and I feel stifled without it... 

 I usually have some sort of resolve...but I don't feel any resolution... just frustration...unsure what to do...

Year 6

Since 2006 Valentine's day hasn't really been a love celebration, it's been a reminder of the beginning of my long and crazy journey...

You can't help but think of those milestones when the anniversary comes...

6 years ago today I was getting out of my first of many huge, life changing surgeries...

I didn't know if I was going to wake up and not have a leg. And that, terrified me...

I am reminded of my last and hopefully final life changing surgery that happened 2 years ago...

As I am brought into the cold surgery room, I am told to curl into a ball so they can start the epidural. I cling to my knee and look at my other leg, frantically wiggling my toes, knowing I will never see that leg again... Holding back tears... The numbness takes over and I know I will never feel that leg again...

They lay me back and cover my body with blankets. They insert the spots where your arms rest into the surgery bed which make it form some sort of unholy cross. I can see them lifting my leg and covering it with orange iodine, getting the tourniquet ready, and started going over the technicalities...

"Courtney Wilson, amputation of the left leg...." For some reason I am still awake and now so many things are rushing in my head... The sound of the man that is going to take my leg off saying my name and what he is going to do makes it impossible to hold back tears... my arms are strapped down so I can't even brush them from my face...

The nurse next to me sees that I am awake and crying asks for me to be put under... she takes off her sterile glove, touches my face, and wipes my tears away...

That's the last thing I remember...And I will never forget it...

These moments define you...these moments remind you of a time that you may want to forget... but these moments are what make you, you...

New Year...

So this is the new year, And i don't feel any different. The clanking of crystal, Explosions off in the distance.

So this is the new year, And I have no resolutions. For self assigned penance, For problems with easy solutions

I wish the world was flat like the old days, Then i could travel just by folding a map.
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways, There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

-Death Cab For Cutie

Music has always been an integral part of my life ever since I was little. And as the New Year comes about to a year that many people believe will be their last, I contemplate my own mortality and the times when life has contemplated the future of my mortality.

This song reminds me that we all have it really simple... we have problems with easy solutions. And the people who don't have the luxury of these solutions are pondering their childhood, a simpler time. When everything made sense and was easy, no distractions, no hard decisions...

I come to a point in my life that I haven't been able to get past: my 3 year mark with no cancer. And as this point in my life comes (and hopefully passes by) my true resolution is to live life to the fullest. Because there are people in the world and in my life that don't have that privilege.

So let's make this year simple like in the old days and resolve to live life to the fullest. You never know when it's your last day, well maybe for some it's 12/21/12 haha. So why don't we listen to those Mayans and at least pretend this is our last year on earth.

Go live life like you have always wanted.

Veterans Day

I share a memorable day with veterans: 11/11, the day I found out I had cancer for the first time.

Like most veterans my life was never the same again...for a while it was not for the better, but things got there, always in time.

I have met so many amazing men who have lost a piece of themselves in one way or another for our country. It amazes me that every single one of them are still so incredibly patriotic even after their injuries...

This last AmpSurf clinic I looked around, as a blind girl sang The National Anthem, these men with missing limbs, replaced pieces of their body and lost pieces of their brains stood in salute, so incredibly proud to have fought for this country... where is our patriotism?

I recall a man I met that was a vet in the Vietnam war...He said it took 20 years for someone to even THANK him for what he did for our country...what is wrong with us?

After I met this man, I met another man at an amputee conference. He had told me he was a Vietnam vet and that he had lost his leg from an old land mine. I recalled the first man and made a point to thank him and shake his hand before I said goodbye...I think it was the first time he had heard those words because his eyes welled up with tears...I turned and walked away and the thought in my head was: 37 years without a thank you...How?

Thank the vets and currently serving men and women. No matter how young or old. They have made incredible sacrifices for us to be free and be able to have the rights and say in the world we live in. We are all so incredibly blessed to have people like this in our country...

Wednesday Dance

Half of the journey is how you get there... wow those words have not impacted me more than today...

We had a group discussion today for our halfway point. We talked about what made us happy, what was challenging, and what we thought the first day as opposed to now. But one thing was seared into my brain and could not have applied more to my own life than this...

On our exercises we have to travel across this huge floor, I find it tiring, and challenging especially when we are suppose to rush. Whenever I think of rush I think of running, but I am always afraid of falling flat on my face.

During our discussion B. stated something that just clicked in my head not only for this week but my WHOLE life, at least the past 7 years of my life. With a tear in their eye "I am so terrified of traveling, how am I suppose to get across this HUGE room?" With that statement I don't think there was a dry eye in the room...

It made me start thinking about my life, all these people in the rooms' lives...

I know there have been points in all of our lives where we are TERRIFIED to keep moving because what is coming next may not be what we expected, what we wanted, what we imagined for our lives...

But somehow we just kept moving, terrified or not, we put on a brave face, maybe act like nothing is wrong and just keep...moving...

I try and imagine how it would be to be these other dis/abled people, and even though I have been through a lot, they have probably gone through much more... I am amazed by everyone in the group...

And I know we all relate because in spite of all that was against us, disabled or otherwise...

WE. KEPT. MOVING.




JUST. KEEP. MOVING.

Tuesday Dance

SO SORE! Good sore...

So as normal as this sounds to the rest of you, I was able to almost run today. In the confusion of "rushing and resolving" and getting so involved with the other dancers I realized that I was ACTUALLY rushing... it's more of a hop-bound movement but it is still moving faster than I have moved in 7 years... Invigorating...

Today was full of peace, laughter, inspiration, seriousness, discussion...It's like we have all been friends for ages...

I find myself getting enthralled watching N. the blind girl understanding the movement given to her by just the description that the teacher is giving...

Every person, abled or otherwise is pushing themselves, growing, inspiring, understanding, creating...

It's only Tuesday and the chemistry within our group is amazing.

Monday Dance

This week was the beginning of something big. My eyes have already been opened and it's only Monday...

Today started out with learning the technique and the warm up skills we will be using for the rest of the week. And the thing I noticed the most was not only my own adaptation to the movement but everyone else. Whether they be crazy good dancers who take the movements to the extreme, or the differently abeled who can only move their arms.

Everyone was united by dance...someone today told me "if you can breath you can dance" I believe they were quoting a teacher of theirs...

The whole experience dissolved the stigma of disability and everyone was just a dancer interpreting their movements in their own way. I was truly inspired by how different we are and that we can be united so instantly...

We moved on to choreographing movements to describe objects which in turn brought duets we then performed for the group. That in itself was interesting to see how someone interprets a rock, or a basket, or a stapler... crazy beautiful

Towards the end of the day we had an open contact improvisation. I was transfixed by some of the people, how they fully trusted each other and were so comfortable with the proximity to each other. I honestly at some points felt like they were performing a choreographed piece, but it was all improv.

This is something I am going to have to work at... I don't feel comfortable enough yet to even move freely when there is another body next to me. Part uncertainty, part inexperience, part fear... all I need to get over by this week.

That is my goal... to let go...something I need to do with a lot of pieces of my life...maybe this will be the beginning...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKcsKXTzd4s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpTc605QQUM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v​=iKn5AbJd4CM&feature=youtube_g​data_player