Monday, June 2, 2014

Shape shifter

Psycho, you killer, you cancer, my friend
Why don't you give me an answer for when
When you'll let it go
(Local Natives)

There have been many times where I look back at who I was 4 years ago and I say... "who was that?"

There is a new app that shows you what you said 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 years ago... I was a dumbass 4/5 years ago I can say that without a doubt...

Abbreviating things like an early 20 something does... it is irritating.  BTW, OMG, B there, Where R U.... ugh.... yuck...

I struggle with letting things go that happened in the past that I felt I should have changed. Am I crazy? Should I worry about that now? Does it even matter?

I hope I have evolved since that 22 year old person... but, fuck... I want to punch my 22 year old self... hard...

No idea that soon ahead, days from now, my 22 year old self would deal with the life and death decision that I now live with... I had to trust in my dumbass 22 year old self in order to live or die... does that give you confidence? I didn't think so.

Thankfully the right, more difficult decision was made, hopefully my stupid 22 year old self learned some things. 

The next 5 years would be determined. Not very helpful that all this happened around my birthday. Because now my birthday is one of the 3 most detrimental memories of my life. Thankfully the dumbassery of my 22 year old-ness was taken over by sensible, more sound thoughts instilled by my parents from my childhood. I was able to make a sound decision and chose life over limb. Not an easy choice, but it was made...

You are not to blame for the life you ended up with. The life you chose is what you made of it... for better or worse... you made your choice... we always hope it was for the better... looking back at it and regretting will not make anything better... the choice is made... the path is laid... now you must follow it... for better or for worse... this path is what you made and it will be the thing that leads you to where you are meant to be... hopefully for the better and not for the worse...

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