Who...A year later...

http://courtneydawnw.blogspot.com/2010/02/who.html

This blog is in reference to a blog I did almost exactly a year ago...

Since then I have done a lot of things in my life...

Soon after I started surfing with Amp Surf, which changed my life so much. I feel like I can do anything.

I cameod on a few TV shows and Movies... Which was something I never expected.

I got to photograph some awesome actors like Kirk Douglas and Harrison Ford.

I met some of the most amazing people at the amputee conference, which was completely humbling.

I graduated with a bachelors from Brooks in Santa Barbara.

I got engaged that same weekend.

My fiancee' went into the army.

I am starting my career and my life....my whole life is ahead of me...

But as a cancer survivor, I will always have those nagging feelings in the back of my head every time I step into the blood lab or radiology...what if this is the day that my life gets flipped upside down...yet again...

But who am I?

I have not felt lost in the past year, and even though there is less of me, I feel whole...

I NEVER imagined my life would be this way, but that's OK...

My life has been harder than most, but I feel like a better human being because of it. And I know that I am stronger for it...

I now ROCK the shorts and find every opportunity to wear them...Stare at me all you want, I am going to stay confident. Even if you ARE rudely gawking...

And I cannot get away from the fact that I am an amputee. People will remember me first as the girl with one leg, then second as anything else. I have been told that I inspire people...somehow I inspire people by just walking through the farmers market...I will never be seen as anything else, but that's OK. Because as crazy as it sounds, if I can help one person in any way feel better about their own lives then it was worth the pain and suffering to get where I am.

So who am I?
I am one year older, I am still a 2x cancer survivor, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, amputee, photographer, dancer, choreographer, artist, American, Californian, Christian, musician.

I will be forever changed by what has happened to me and now, a year later, I am OK with it because I KNOW I am where I am suppose to be in life.

Would I change my life if I could? No chance in hell. I am happy, and I have been given opportunities I NEVER would have had with 2 legs.



I KNOW EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Courtney Dawn Photography
www.courtneydawnphotography.com

Now that's awkward...

Via Creativity online

Everyone hates awkward moments... especially with strangers. If you have an awkward moment with a friend or family you can always joke it away and you know they won't take it the wrong way or not get your joke. But with strangers there is no good way to get out of an awkward situation.

This has been especially apparent with me since my amputation. And only when I am walking around on crutches not with my prosthetic (because that is understandable if someone doesn't know).

This is how scenario one goes:

I am walking with crutches (usually up to a cash register or something where the other person is unable to see I am legless).

Cashier: "Oh did you hurt your ankle?" (ps. why is it always your ankle? does the rest of your leg just not get hurt?)

Me: "Uhmm...(awkward laugh) no" then once you walk away they will see you are legless and then feel bad.

OR

Me: "actually I had to have my leg amputated"
Cashier: "oh I am so sorry!" Then they proceed to apologize and they feel bad.

How do you avoid making them feel bad? There is NO good way to get out of this situation without making them feel bad and making you feel awkward because you know they will end up feeling bad.

Scenario 2:

The person is oblivious and is standing right in front of you and asks "Oh what happened". That's when I just say "really????... really." Then they feel stupid when they realize that they are idiots. Those situations I don't feel bad or awkward because they just are not observant AT ALL.

And even if you are not legless who EVER wants to tell a stranger how they hurt themselves? When has it ever been a memory you want to relive? Why are people so nosy/curious?

MORAL OF THE STORY PEOPLE: CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT...or if it doesn't kill your furry friend maybe it will kill your curiosity from now on.

We are all crippled in some way...

Wow, I don't know how I haven't seen his paintings before... Andrew Wyeth. His paintings could be mistaken for photographs.

His use of simplicity is so inspiring to me. In the world where we keep adding on to things on a line between stylish and gaughty, the simplicity is so refreshing.

This painting spoke worlds to me even before I knew the story...



Christina's World

A story that was all too familiar in the 30's and 40's, polio. Christina was stricken with this disease and confined to this house in the photo. The painting is a mixture of feelings, truimph, sadness, hopelessness, helplessness...

This makes me think of all the people I have met this last year, what a crazy year it has been.

The definition of disabled is incapable of functioning.

I have heard so many times how people feel sorry for them, these "disabled" people. They feel as if the "disabled" have even a stray hair they have to help them because they can't help themselves... Boy do they have it wrong. They are more abled than most people.

Probably 90% of the people I have met and spoken to have said becoming disabled has made them better people. They are the happiest they have ever been in their lives.

Maybe because they know who they are now? Maybe they realized what is important in life? Maybe they realized life is too damn short to be angry or sad or disappointed about little things?

It makes me wonder if these people are happier than some "normal" people? If so, then in a way these normal people are emotionally disabled. Meaning they can't get past the little things that shouldn't matter as much as they do. They are incapable of functioning any other way.

In a way, we are all disabled...It's how we handle these "disabilities" that shows if we are going to stay truly disabled...

The tree of life...

All of my life I have been surrounded by beautiful big walnut trees.

All of them will be obliterated and turned into electricity before December...

When I was young it was my orchard of imagination.

It was where me and my favorite dog Brandy would run and play hiding under the shade of those trees.

It was my childhood...

I guess it's kind of poetic, symbolic...

I am graduating from college, moving on to the next part of my life...

With that goes my childhood...

Everything has to come to and end...

It's just sad when it does...


Courtney Dawn Photography

Courtneydawnphotography.com

A Basket of Strawberries: $2.00...

Getting them on my own two "feet": priceless...

It's been a year since I got my leg and I have to tell you I was worried about the outcome.

A year later my "disability" has brought me more opportunities than I would have ever gotten as an "normal" person...

Surfing, movies, TV shows, the awesome people I have met, the person that I am today...

All of this and more would have never been brought to me without all the crap that had to happen to me before...

5 years of hell to have a more fulfilling life. Who would have guessed? Definitely not me...

If I could have shown my life to the younger, balder, skinnier, very unhappy, cancer ridden version of myself, I think I would have had a lot less hard, dark days...

I know it's strange to everyone that I say I wouldn't change anything that happened to me in those 5 years. But I feel like my life is better for it. My appreciation of life (or lack of it) will never be like it was before.

I feel that I am much more happy than the people who give me the "oh poor you" look (which I hate by the way).

The more I live the more it proves to me that everything happens for a reason...

Completely Humbled...

What a weekend...

I've been in Irvine for the amputee conference for the past 4 days and it was definitely an experience just meeting everyone and hearing their stories. (I felt like my story was boring compared to theirs!)

From motorcycle accidents, to car accidents, helicopter accidents, power line accidents, land mines, cancer, congenital, train accidents, combat, infection, diabetes, flesh eating disease, meningitis, doctor error and I am sure there is more... Everyone's story was different and equally almost unbelievable.

I did not meet one person that was not making lemonade out of lemons in one way or the other. Makes you see how awesome, real, and nice all these people are. Everyone has been in somewhat life threatening situations in one way or the other so most have the same philosophy in life... It's too short and you have to make your life worth it and live it to the fullest. Even if it means just following your dreams that before may have seemed impossible...

I think everyone could learn from most amputees. I definitely did... I wish I would have been able to go to this sooner. Maybe it would have stopped my whining about my leg and my frustration over stupid stuff that goes along with it. People always say "someone somewhere always has it worse than you" but that doesn't mean anything until you MEET that person or people.

Even if they do have it worse than me they are definitely not leading on to it. This made me realize a lot about myself...

Definitely glad I went this weekend....

A little reminder of what I have lost... Learning from this weekend. It's time to move on...


Courtney Dawn Photography

These are a few of my favorite things part deux

Once again, no we are not dancing around in a gazebo with some German boy singing about our age. Its a list of funny, weird, annoying observations I have made in my life here in Santa Barbara.

Why the hell isn't this here when I need it????:

1. Why do we allow a nasty Kmart while Target has empty land just uglying up the area because the county won't let them build???



2. This is probably everywhere but why the hell does Bed Bath and BEYOND not carry bar soap????? You can't go beyond if you don't even have the bath yet!!! Why does Adam Sandler get a frickin' time changing remote and I can't even get bar soap???

3. Why do grocery stores not carry funnels???

4. All the gyms close at 11 or 12!!! and on weekend they close at 8! How am I suppose to be able to go? Everywhere else but here is 24 hours in some place in the vicinity.
Seems like the logical places never have what I need...

hello! weirdness has entered the building!!!!

1. They are giving out TEQUILA shots in the grocery store in the middle of the day...you have to show your ID and everything!!! Are we condoning drinking and driving now? Nope, now its drinking and grocery shopping. Why the hell would Albertsons give out alcohol like its a bacon wrapped sausages???


2. Crazy old lady randomly turn around and walk up to me and my friends and say "how would you feel if you were forced to retire after 40 years of teaching?"... and then turn around and walk away...WHAAAA? We are still puzzled by that moment.


3. If you are SHAKING profusely, cannot even read the GIANT numbers on the gas pump, and are oblivious to your children RUNNING around the gas station, you probably should not be allowed to drive...just sayin'


TOURISTS... I'm gunna kill 'em

1. Going the WRONG way on a one way street. I know you are in a different city but there are SIGNS people!


2. If the walk/don't walk sign has a big RED hand that means DON'T WALK!!!! cars have to be able to drive people!!!!



3. There is never ANY parking!!!!

4. Don't stop in the middle of the friggen street to take a picture!!! jeez tourists and traffic just don't mix I guess...


Holidays

1. FIESTA: basically a mexican version of st patty's day...where you drink like hell and throw at anyone and everyone plastic eggs full of confetti (that if they stay on your skin long enough stain your skin whatever color the confetti is, I found that out when my friend threw an egg down my dress). it is also the holiday where bars have to post a sign saying "NO mariacci bands". weirdly enough I think its bigger than cinco de mayo.


2. St patrick's day... DO NOT expect to get into ANY bar that is even CLOSE to irish (even the english bars) they are FULL and there is a line around the building to get in. basically a typical st pattys day full of green and drinking things that are green.


3.Haloween: Don't expect to get anywhere near IV unless you are a resident. even then you have to show proof you live in IV. There are THOUSANDS of people that come to UCSB just for Haloween. its a day where girls dress like sluts and guys love it. Don't go to sb if your claustrophobic. (ps: this pic is actual IV on haloween)



ahh I know I will miss the antics of SB when I am gone, but I am sure every town has crazy stuff happening....I love/hate you SB!!!

These are a few of my favorite things...

No we are not singing as we climb over the green hills to get away from the Nazis. This is a list of some of my favorite (or maybe not so favorite) things about Santa Barbara and the people in them...

WEIRD/HOMELESS PEOPLE (not always one in the same):
(I have to admit its entertaining most of the time...)

1. An old man mumbling, then yelling out "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" then mumbling again in the middle of Starbucks...and he only gets a glance from everyone in there. Then walks out in the pouring rain wearing bermuda shorts mumbling to himself all the way home.


2. A guy walking into Albertsons dressed in a bright yellow rain suit (hat and all) like he's the Gorton's fisherman... Did I mention it had only been sprinkling the whole day?


3. The only place where you will see a rat riding a cat riding a dog.


4. Homeless people give each other "knowing" glances as they pass each other on the street like they are in their own special club.


5. Homeless people are out on State street 12 months out of the year. And since there is "competition" they have to get creative in order to get money. Like: "fishing for money" (cup attached to a "fishing pole") or "I want beer", that one always makes me laugh, OR my FAVORITE "hey do you want my fries?" "NO"...WTF!? homeless guy's getting greedy!!!

I could go on forever about homeless people...

DRIVING:
(UGH)

1. If a cloud even lets out ONE drop of rain, DO NOT even think about driving faster than 45 on the freeway. OK guys, just because it only rains 2 times a year does not mean that you all the sudden have forgotten how to drive.


2. Even if it's not raining, there will still be some idiot IN THE FAST LANE going 45...I am not even exaggerating, it happened a couple weeks ago.

3. In Isla Vista (where UCSB is) if you are driving a car, do not expect to get anywhere very fast. Bicycles EVERYWHERE, and they don't give a shit if you are in a car. And apparently pedestrians feel the same way because a guy WALTZED in front of my car, I had to slam on my breaks, he casually looks at me and then keeps walking. Every time I go over there I feel like I am in a different universe...


4. If you ever drive down State street do NOT expect to turn left...EVER...for some magical reason it's only allowed on Sundays...AND I HATE trying to turn right during tourist season, all the pedestrians make it impossible!!!

5. And my personal pet peeve (its only in my condo complex) I HATE SPEED BUMPS!!! every 10 feet there is a f'ing speed bump. And I am at the end!!! I think I have to go over about 10 to 15 speed bumps just to get to my house!


QUIRKY:
(;D)

1. Wherever you go, dogs are allowed. I have seen a person bring their dog into a restaurant and no one even gave a second glance.


2. We are literally two miles from the beach and they won't let us into the club because someone is wearing shorts....uhhhhh whaaa?

3. It is a JOURNEY to find fast food places. Almost all of them are in THE MOST difficult places to find.

4. There is a DISGUSTING Kmart but they refuse to put in a Target.

5. The closest Target, major restaurants (applebee's etc), and even Jamba Juice are an hour away.

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feeeeeel soooo baaaaaaaaad!

GAH! that song was playing over and over in my head the whole time I was writing this!

Anyways, I am sure there is more so there may be a part two later on. Life is good, and is starting to get back into place. I am where I am suppose to be and definitely happy to be here.

I wonder what's next...

As my college days come to an end I am constantly wondering what will happen next...

I guess that's the scariest part of change, you have NO idea what will happen...

Will I find a job? Will people like my work? Where am I moving? Will I be successful? Will I be close to Chris wherever he is stationed? Will he be successful? Will he change a lot after being in the army? And if so, for better or for worse? Will people discriminate against me because they think I can't do the work?

These questions are always swimming around in my mind and I don't know how to sift through them...

I should know more than anyone that whatever happens will happen but it doesn't mean I can keep my mind off the what ifs.

I think I need to learn to meditate to keep me less stressed about the future...

I feel like I need to prove myself...I've gone through so much shit I feel like I need to redeem myself in order to make all the suffering I went through worth it...

One year ago...

Feels like ten years ago...

One year ago;

I was trying to recover from the hardest surgery I have ever had.
I was trying not to fall apart.
I was living with my parents.
I had to quit school.
I was preparing for another bout of chemo.
I was stuck in bed.
I was unsure about my life.

Today;
I am recovering from a weekend in Vegas.
I am living life to the fullest.
I am living in Santa Barbara.
I am getting my career started.
I am preparing for my bachelors in October.
I am Surfing.
I have my whole life ahead of me.

What a difference a year can make...what a crazy year...

Thank you all who have been there for me through this year...

Especially my boyfriend who never left my side, never slept in order to take care of me, always knew what to say to make me feel better, always knew what to say to snap me out of depression. I think I would have fallen apart it without you.

I think I found that light everyone has been talking about...