June 22, 2009: Life and what it brings your way...

hmmm where to begin??

I’m still at a loss about how to feel. For the most part I’m staying positive, but there are times where I think about everything too much and I start to cry and feel depressed and pissed about everything. Chris is always there to tell me just what I need to hear.
But I still feel like FUCK! not only do I have cancer when I am 18, but I GET IT FUCKING TWICE IN 5 YEARS??!! WHOEVER SAID LIFE IS FUCKING FAIR IS LYING OUT THEIR ASS OR HAS NEVER TRULY HAD SOMETHING SHITTY HAPPEN TO THEM. I just keep thinking “this isn’t fair, what the hell did I do to deserve a life like this?”

I sit there with some people I know and they are complaining about petty shit that won’t matter in a week or a month and it just pisses me off.

Something that just tops off the icing on this cake made of shit is the whole fertility situation. I wanted to try and save the eggs I have left so in case everything gets damaged beyond repair during chemo me and Chris will still have that later on. But it will be 4 or more weeks before they could be extracted, and guess how much the shots cost to get the eggs out??? 8,000 dollars!!! yes I said thousand. and thats with insurance and the cancer foundation covering as much as they can. So for one I can only wait 1 more week maximum to start chemo and where the hell would I get that kind of money?? I wish they would have just told us that right off the bat. So basically I am just going to forget the whole fertility and cross my fingers I will still have a chance once this is all finished.

I start chemo on monday the 27th. It is 3 different chemos, 2 IV and one pill 5 days in a row, 1 week of chemo and 2 weeks off for almost 5 months. Its a lot less harsh but its still gunna be shitty. SO my last day of chemo is November 13th...Friday the 13th, hopefully its lucky for me instead. but thats with no set backs throughout the cycles.

Just so everyone knows, its hard for me to see and talk to everyone, it gets really physically and emotionally tiring. So if I don’t get back to you one way or another please don’t take it personally, I honestly appreciate everyone’s prayers and good thoughts and letters and phone calls and offers to help out. Thank you so much.
I’m just trying to enjoy my last couple of days as a healthy person with hair… I’m gunna miss it...I just hate knowing I have to do this all over again…