Disappointments and Decisions...

Today was a shitty day. I just woke up not looking forward to going to chemo and just woke up sad. Chemo is just draining and takes a lot out of me for 2 weeks and then felling okay for maybe a week and then doing it all over again. I am so over it and am honestly thinking about stopping chemo or going to the lesser chemo that I was suppose to do in the first place.

I want to just focus on my leg and starting to walk with it and get good at it so that I can be at my best for when I go back to my school. and at least with the lesser chemo I could still do that and start working on myself, my inner self. I want to get back to a fitter healthier me and I can't do that when I am tired and sick 2/3rds of my life. I went to my prosthetician and found out I can never wear flip flops or sandals with the piece that goes in between the toe. I LOVE shoes and as sad as this sounds it made me upset hearing this. They do have the feet that have the holes in the big and middle. But guess what, for some stupid reason that kind of foot voids the warrantee on my 45,000 dollar leg. SO I am stuck. I have this favorite pair of shoes that I can NEVER wear because of some stupid rule.

I feel like this picture I took up above. Far away it looks beautiful, happy, artistic and lively. But you get up close and really look at it and see that its a big blurry swirled jumbled up mess, you can't tell what it is or how it happened or how it got there.

I'm just confused and sad and had a shitty disappointing day.

Portabella Mushroom

So I have a new puppy. She is really cute but I think all the plants in the living room makes her think she is outside because she poops in there all the time! I like having her, it gives me something to take care of. Chris definitely helps with that though, I can only do so much right now. She's really cute so I think that helps too haha.

My leg got approved!!!! But of course it takes a couple of days for it to get to my prostetician. But I am crossing my fingers I will have it by the end of the week! It kind of sucks though because this is my chemo week and I am going to be too tired to do as much as I want to with the new leg. I just want this step of my journey to be over with already!!! I'm sick of waiting for the next step and the next step until things are normal again. Because the step after getting the leg is learning on it which will take at least 6 months to master. Then after that I have to wait for the skin covering and make sure it looks as normal as possible.

And the chemo step... That step is the hardest, especially the week after because I have to stay at home because I am too sick to go and do anything. I get cabin fever really badly. It takes a toll psychologically having to stay home for 9 days in a row...I hope this new medicine fixes being sick. The same medicine I could have had right at the beginning if my fucking doctor would have had the decency to tell me right away. I hate almost all the people at that hospital they really don't care.

Don't know what else to say...I have 2 more months of this hell and hope to be back in Santa Barbara in 3 months and get back to my life I had to leave behind.

House and Heroes...

Recently I feel like I live for evening TV shows. I need to do something... hence the new blog page. I just want my leg so that I can get going on that, put my full energy into it. 3 months and counting and still no leg... I have a temporary one but its not sturdy enough to try and walk on without anything.

This break from chemo sucks, I am still having stomach problems and I have less than a week and usually I feel better by now.

I need a creative outlet of some sort, my brain is going crazy with boredom...

September 12, 2009: Half way and it feels so far away...

So after Monday I will be half way done with chemo… I still have 9 weeks and it feels like forever away. I am so impatient I just want to get on with my life already!!

On top of everything my f-ing leg still hasn’t been approved by my insurance. its been 3 months since my surgery… guys whats the hold up??? I want to start learning on the better leg rather than this unsturdy POS I have right now temporarily.

I’m hoping to be able to go down south next weekend but idk how I am going to feel by then. I am crossing my fingers I can make it. I miss Santa Barbara and all my friends there and I miss my Melanie in LA.

I hate feeling like how I feel today; bored, lethargic, unable to go or feel like going anywhere. There are good days and bad days involving sadness, missing my leg and just overall feeling defeated. Chris helps me a lot with that and helps me feel a lot better when I am feeling down on myself.

What happened to my life 3 months ago? Was it really that short of a time ago? I’m living in SF, doing an internship, living my life, celebrating my birthday, then AGAIN my life gets flipped upside down even more so than before… since when is this fair? Why do I have to go through this TWICE?

I don’t really know anymore, I am waiting for the light at the end of this dark tunnel that I am stuck in right now…

August 19, 2009: Ups and Downs...

It may sound weird but I am more happy now than I have been for the past 4 years… I was in so much pain for 4 years it started to get to me and made me a person I didnt recognize anymore…

The pain changed me from a happy go lucky care free person who made friends super easily to an anti social sad person who was constantly in pain.

I am just starting to feel so much better...Im not in pain anymore and I should be getting my leg in the next 2 weeks and I can start getting back to somewhat normalcy. Chris is noticing it too, i dont know how to explain it either…

2nd week of chemo this week kinda tired. once this week is over i have 4 more rounds...hopefully be done before thanksgiving.

June 22, 2009: Life and what it brings your way...

hmmm where to begin??

I’m still at a loss about how to feel. For the most part I’m staying positive, but there are times where I think about everything too much and I start to cry and feel depressed and pissed about everything. Chris is always there to tell me just what I need to hear.
But I still feel like FUCK! not only do I have cancer when I am 18, but I GET IT FUCKING TWICE IN 5 YEARS??!! WHOEVER SAID LIFE IS FUCKING FAIR IS LYING OUT THEIR ASS OR HAS NEVER TRULY HAD SOMETHING SHITTY HAPPEN TO THEM. I just keep thinking “this isn’t fair, what the hell did I do to deserve a life like this?”

I sit there with some people I know and they are complaining about petty shit that won’t matter in a week or a month and it just pisses me off.

Something that just tops off the icing on this cake made of shit is the whole fertility situation. I wanted to try and save the eggs I have left so in case everything gets damaged beyond repair during chemo me and Chris will still have that later on. But it will be 4 or more weeks before they could be extracted, and guess how much the shots cost to get the eggs out??? 8,000 dollars!!! yes I said thousand. and thats with insurance and the cancer foundation covering as much as they can. So for one I can only wait 1 more week maximum to start chemo and where the hell would I get that kind of money?? I wish they would have just told us that right off the bat. So basically I am just going to forget the whole fertility and cross my fingers I will still have a chance once this is all finished.

I start chemo on monday the 27th. It is 3 different chemos, 2 IV and one pill 5 days in a row, 1 week of chemo and 2 weeks off for almost 5 months. Its a lot less harsh but its still gunna be shitty. SO my last day of chemo is November 13th...Friday the 13th, hopefully its lucky for me instead. but thats with no set backs throughout the cycles.

Just so everyone knows, its hard for me to see and talk to everyone, it gets really physically and emotionally tiring. So if I don’t get back to you one way or another please don’t take it personally, I honestly appreciate everyone’s prayers and good thoughts and letters and phone calls and offers to help out. Thank you so much.
I’m just trying to enjoy my last couple of days as a healthy person with hair… I’m gunna miss it...I just hate knowing I have to do this all over again…

June 17, 2009: I've Decided...

Im choosing amputation, I actually feel calm about it though...

I feel this is the right decision...

My surgery will most likely be Wednesday the 24th... I have a week with my leg and I don't really know how to feel

**sigh** I don't know what else to say right now

June 15, 2009: Amputation, I don't even want to say it...

That is now the most difficult question I and I alone have to answer...

How the hell will I be able to answer that question? I am so so torn...

PROS
If I amputate:

only 2 % chance of recurrence of cancer. no more pain. more mobility. no more bending difficulties. Quicker recovery. (this is going to sound weird) but for being a photographer people who would possibly hire me would remember me if not for my photography but for my leg. they actually have some really awesome real looking prosthetics.

CONS

Its my f*ing leg! its irreversible. Its going to take forever for me to cope. I have a panic attack just thinking about it. people will always stare at me. I will never have the chance to dance like I did before. its above the knee. I have to relearn how to walk.

who really knows the future?? thats the only way I can make the decision and know that its the right one... I am so so scared...

This is the hardest decision I have and will ever have to make and I hate that I am forced to make this decision

June 9, 2009: I thought I was done with this...

I'm not really ok... I was walking into the pharmacy when I got the phone call that I wasnt expecting... My surgeon was on the other line and he didn't sound like his usual self. He said he did some routine tests on the tissue he took out from my surgery last monday. He didnt expect it but he found cancer again...

Im so crushed and dissapointed & disheartened... I only have 1 year left at school and 2 weeks left with this semester... I did not expect this at all.. I feel like once I get my life together its getting taken away again...

I have to have all the metal replica of my bone taken out and put back in again, and that was the worst part of everything... I was in soo much pain and the rehab was sooo hard. I was just getting to the point where I thought Id be able to dance again and now i dont even know if he will be able to salvage my leg...

I thought this was over, I thought I was getting on with my life, I thought I was close to my career...

I thought I was getting back to having a good leg again, I thought I was going to be able to walk without a limp and bend my leg far enough so that people wouldnt trip over it. I thought that maybe just maybe I would be able to dance again one day...

And now I dont even know if I will have a leg 6 months from now... If I lose my leg idk what I will do, but I'm pretty sure I will be very very depressed...

This isn't fair...