My Immediate Goals

Some people may not first realize what it means to have a fake leg. They may think you put it on, learn how to walk on it and then you are good to go. There is so much more to it and the quality of leg makes a huge difference in quality of life...

Right now I can admit I have it better than a lot of people. I was able to get one of the first generation computerized knees. It by all means has been a great knee to have after losing my leg at such a young age.

But now I have hit the 5 year mark and my warrantee has expired. This means if something breaks in my leg very seriously I will have to get a new one... Here is the kicker, they won't let me get the next generation of leg... They (being insurance) will give me a leg (most likely with a hefty copay) that is exactly the same if not lesser...

Right now, I cannot climb up stairs more than one stair at a time... I cannot climb up hills without exerting so much energy and tweaking my back in a very unnatural way... I can't even go on an easy level ground hike because the rocks on the ground if stepped on will make me fall... I am terrified to get even a small splash of water on my leg because it can completely short circuit the computer therefore making my leg completely unusable... That is just a few of the many issues I have to deal with on a daily basis...

Now with all that being said, there are a lot of hoops I have to go through to even find out the out of pocket price for my dream leg... This is going to be a lot of work and a lot of headache I am sure... But I know it will be worth it because my day to day life will improve tenfold...

Here is my dream leg

Life and Death, Strength and Weakness

This may become a morbid post but my thoughts tend to wander to different spaces...

I was probably my great grandmas' favorite... I was one of the few girls on that side of the family and spent a lot of time with her in my childhood...

She would let me use toys that she would never let the boys touch because they would break them. She would even confide in me that I was the only one allowed to use the little penny slot machine she had because I would never break it. "Those ornery boys will break it within two minutes". It was probably true but it made me feel special.

It was a very difficult passing and was a long time coming. My great grandma has Alzheimer's syndrome and ended up being in a home because my grandparents could not take care of her anymore. My parents had me visit her a few times before her passing.

I do not know how many actually know what Alzheimer's does to your mind... at 12 years old I was definitely not prepared for what happens when this disease takes over. But I think my parents thought I could handle it. I do not recall if my two older sisters ever visited her or not. But it is a life changing event that occurred by walking into that home for the elderly.

 I had a  jr high class assignment to do something out of my comfort zone and my parents encouraged me to speak to my grandma... I was always unsure of what to say to a human being that was losing her mind... but my parents felt I was capable of enduring this task...

We walked down this hall that reeked of old people... the smell of someone's mouth that had not been brushed in days... Babbling old people confused as to where they were... or even more sad, old people who knew exactly where they were and were abandoned by their families never to be visited again... please God, take me before I end up in a place like this...

I walked into her room which she shared with another elderly woman... I could tell the vivacious women I used to spend every day with was no longer in this weathered body... It scared me...

She said so many words that I had not even really heard before, and it was coming from my grandmother's mouth... "That fucking bitch had it coming to her. I wish these stupid bitches would leave me alone. These nurses treat me like shit." ... My parents had to remind my grandma that I was in the room... she changed her tune then talked to me like I was 6. "Oh my dear Courtney, you are such a sensitive girl, it is so nice to have such a loving caring girl around." ... she then quickly went back into delusion that some nurse was out to get her. I am unsure of my parents perspective but I think they did not expect this to happen when I visited. Needless to say this was an upsetting experience for me.

Fast forward to her inevitable funeral that we had to attend... the first funeral I ever went to... They had an open casket and asked everyone to place her favorite flower into it.

It is a bit blurry what exactly happen but this is what I know is fact...

I walked to the front with my dad and my oldest sister to place a flower into her casket... I had never seen a dead body before in my life and this was especially jarring... I placed the flower in with her and stared at her lifeless body... contemplating about life and thinking about all the things we did together... My oldest sister is extremely distraught and my dad is hugging her... I look up to witness this and he extends his hand to my shoulder to comfort me... My sister is bawling into my dads shoulder...

This has forever stuck with me... was I always meant to be the stronger one? Was I always suppose to be the one that endures the hardest things because I can? Are these strange thoughts to have?

When I had cancer both times my sisters broke down, understandably... but in some twisted way was this suppose to happen to me because the universe knew I wouldn't completely crumble and fall apart? What if the roles had been reversed on one of my sisters? Would things have gone differently? Would we be the same people we are today?

I know what ifs are crazy and never predictable... but how would things have gone? Would we all still be here to tell the tale?

Shape shifter

Psycho, you killer, you cancer, my friend
Why don't you give me an answer for when
When you'll let it go
(Local Natives)

There have been many times where I look back at who I was 4 years ago and I say... "who was that?"

There is a new app that shows you what you said 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 years ago... I was a dumbass 4/5 years ago I can say that without a doubt...

Abbreviating things like an early 20 something does... it is irritating.  BTW, OMG, B there, Where R U.... ugh.... yuck...

I struggle with letting things go that happened in the past that I felt I should have changed. Am I crazy? Should I worry about that now? Does it even matter?

I hope I have evolved since that 22 year old person... but, fuck... I want to punch my 22 year old self... hard...

No idea that soon ahead, days from now, my 22 year old self would deal with the life and death decision that I now live with... I had to trust in my dumbass 22 year old self in order to live or die... does that give you confidence? I didn't think so.

Thankfully the right, more difficult decision was made, hopefully my stupid 22 year old self learned some things. 

The next 5 years would be determined. Not very helpful that all this happened around my birthday. Because now my birthday is one of the 3 most detrimental memories of my life. Thankfully the dumbassery of my 22 year old-ness was taken over by sensible, more sound thoughts instilled by my parents from my childhood. I was able to make a sound decision and chose life over limb. Not an easy choice, but it was made...

You are not to blame for the life you ended up with. The life you chose is what you made of it... for better or worse... you made your choice... we always hope it was for the better... looking back at it and regretting will not make anything better... the choice is made... the path is laid... now you must follow it... for better or for worse... this path is what you made and it will be the thing that leads you to where you are meant to be... hopefully for the better and not for the worse...

Boston Marathon

Via Huffington Post Photogapher Robert X Fogarty

As we approach the year marker of the bombing of the Boston Marathon I start to think about how we approach our lives...

April 15 2013... people were changed, families were changed, lives were lost, lives were eventually gained...

Is it strange that we take huge tragic events like these to effect our lives in a positive manner?? I think so, but it's true...

Many people lost lives, many people lost limbs, many people felt like they dodged a bullet, many people lost a sense of security in their lives... How can you do something so positive like a marathon and it end so so badly?

You start your day like any other... cup of coffee...simple morning conversation with your family... passing hellos to random people you pass... simple mundane things that you would never remember otherwise. But this day, you will remember every. last. detail...

 There are so many positive things, so many positive outlooks, so many positive reactions to this tragedy... These "men", bombers did not win anything... The "victims" won...

For people who are not disabled nor have gone through any sort of difficult feat as even having a family member lose a limb, you may not understand where I am coming from...

It seems like the end of the world at first... How are you suppose to live through something this tragic, this horrific, this unthinkable?

I have yet to meet an amputee that does not have a very very positive outlook on life. We know what it is like to see death in the face and say "Fck you, you are not taking me, I am going to make it through this". It is a triumph we have achieved, we are not victims, we are victors! We have gone through more than most people go through in a lifetime.

Don't feel sorry for me or any other person that is disabled. Don't give me that typical "I'm sorry" face when you see me. We have more understanding of what life is about than many many people do. We do not want your pity... we want your respect.

Whether it be cancer, diabetes, accidents, bombings, IEDs we lived through it and made it out the other side. We are loving life and appreciating every second we have of it.

 I respect these bomb survivors so much that are standing up and showing that we as human beings can rise above adversity, terrorism and say "you are not taking me down... I am still standing... even if it is on plastic feet."

Take this into account on your own lives... are you living how you should? Are little things bothering more than they should? Are you really living life to the fullest? Are you living life like you may not have another day?

This is how life should be lived... like there may not be a tomorrow... like today may be the only day you have in the sun... Are you living life like you want to?