Who...

Who is this girl?

Already damaged, almost broken, almost dead, almost...

Confused to who she is now, trying to find some sort of sense. Maybe find her old self? But I guess after hell no one is really the same...

I forgot about this girl until I saw that picture...

Full of hope and a new sense of life. But scared to make friends because of the ones she lost. Full of dreams, KNOWING this will never happen again...KNOWING...

Holding out for the hope of dancing again...

In so much pain all the time she is never truly herself...

20 pounds lighter, 3 years younger, gone through shit but somehow still naive to the what ifs in life...

Who IS this girl?

Does it really matter anymore? She isn't me...



But who am I?

Some days I feel more whole than I have ever felt in my life. But then I think about what I have lost and it makes me feel just that...lost.

Some days its like this isn't my life...I never imagined my life being like this. Although, I always had some sort of feeling that something was not right with me...

But it still doesn't answer my question...I'm not the goofy teenager I was, I'm not the tormented, angry, self conscious 18-20 yr old either...

All I know is that my life has been harder than most...that may make me a "better and stronger" person in some people's eyes but idk if I feel that way about myself...

I know that people stare when I wear shorts, and some days I feel like telling them to fuck off and other days I wish they would just ask what I know they want to ask.

I don't want to be captured in this little bubble of being an amputee. That's not what defines me, I at least know that much. It's something that happened to me, it was something I had to do to LIVE. It was something I had to do to give me a better chance of NEVER going through this again. It was, the single most difficult decision I have ever made....

So who am I?

I am:
2x cancer survivor, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, amputee, photographer, dancer, choreographer, artist, American, Californian, Christian, musician.

These are all just facts though...but I guess when you mesh them all together that is who I am. This is the path that my life has taken.

Would I change my life if I could? Not sure... if I hadn't gone through any of this I wouldn't be where or who I am now...




Everything Happens For A Reason

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet....

Sense of smell is the most powerful sense to bring back memories. You smell something and INSTANTLY it brings you back to that certain point in your life. My life has been kind of crazy for the past 5 years, but my childhood and teenage years were pretty normal...ahh the good ole days. I wish I knew what I know now...

Plastic:
ALWAYS reminds me of barbies. Spending hours and hours changing clothes and making up stories. I always picked favorite ones (the Courtney doll, wonder why??) and treated my less favorite ones like crap...its weird what is stuck in our memories.

When I was 5 or 6 I wanted more my little ponies to play with in the tub but my mom said I couldn't take in any more. so I tried to hide them behind my naked little butt. It obviously didn't work and I wasn't allowed to have any in the tub.


Horrid dentist office:
PAIN...thats all I could say. My dentist was so horrible, he would say "oops" at least 3 times which was usually following that scraper jabbing into my gums. He had these GIANT glasses with magnifying glasses attached to them. if you are THAT blind should you really be working on my teeth? And if you are a dentist/orthodontist shouldn't you FLOSS your teeth? AND shouldn't your breath smell ok? AND shouldn't your teeth be straight???? what the hell was my mom thinking??



Cow Manure:
(yes I said cow manure)
Reminds me of my grandparents (they raise cows, although I am sure their house would smell bad either way). I had 4 boy cousins that were close in age. We would jump on the trampoline and end up in fighting matches. I would always play "the nutcracker" and win. haha

I remember feeling so special when my great grandma would let me play her mini penny slot machine. She would always say "Don't tell the boys you get to play with this, I think they would break it if they played with it." We always watched little house on the prairie and the price is right. I was always her favorite...I miss her.


Zipper:
Ok this one is weird. The zippers on my zip up sweaters remind me of ocean salt water. The first time I went to Hawaii I LOVED snorkeling. I was so engulfed with the sea life and what was at the bottom I didn't realize how far I was going out. When I finally got up from the water I could see my dad on the top of the cliff yelling and looking for me. At that time I was just annoyed that I had to come back in. But now that I think of it, I probably had my whole family very very worried...sorry dad.

Fresh cut alfalfa:
My parents home, the home I grew up in. When I was home schooled I would always wander off with Brandy my dog (we grew up together, I miss her too), go through the orchard to the fields behind it, watching the tractors drive off after cutting. Running, making adventures up in my head with my trusty side kick. Looking in the irrigation well and finding a baby doll head, for some reason that scared me. When I would be sad she would come up, stick her head through my arm, and rest her head and whole body on me. Her little version of a doggy hug. She was ran over right before I found out I was sick, but she would always rest her head on my left foot or leg like she knew...


Smell of grass in the morning:
Will FOREVER remind me of morning PE at RC (elementary school). We would always have to run the mile once a week. I still to this day hate running...ha! I have an excuse not to now!!! I would always get a ton of grass in the crevasses of my shoes and would concentrate more on getting all the grass out with my pencil than paying attention to my teacher.

My favorite: leather, linoleum, and a little bit of sweat
The smell of my dance class...the place where I grew up...its still too painful...it's like I didn't get to say goodbye...But I guess that is the theme to life...innocence, my grandma, my dog, my life's passion, my leg...life is a series of hello's and goodbye's...we just remember the goodbyes because they are harder...