My Immediate Goals

Some people may not first realize what it means to have a fake leg. They may think you put it on, learn how to walk on it and then you are good to go. There is so much more to it and the quality of leg makes a huge difference in quality of life...

Right now I can admit I have it better than a lot of people. I was able to get one of the first generation computerized knees. It by all means has been a great knee to have after losing my leg at such a young age.

But now I have hit the 5 year mark and my warrantee has expired. This means if something breaks in my leg very seriously I will have to get a new one... Here is the kicker, they won't let me get the next generation of leg... They (being insurance) will give me a leg (most likely with a hefty copay) that is exactly the same if not lesser...

Right now, I cannot climb up stairs more than one stair at a time... I cannot climb up hills without exerting so much energy and tweaking my back in a very unnatural way... I can't even go on an easy level ground hike because the rocks on the ground if stepped on will make me fall... I am terrified to get even a small splash of water on my leg because it can completely short circuit the computer therefore making my leg completely unusable... That is just a few of the many issues I have to deal with on a daily basis...

Now with all that being said, there are a lot of hoops I have to go through to even find out the out of pocket price for my dream leg... This is going to be a lot of work and a lot of headache I am sure... But I know it will be worth it because my day to day life will improve tenfold...

Here is my dream leg

Life and Death, Strength and Weakness

This may become a morbid post but my thoughts tend to wander to different spaces...

I was probably my great grandmas' favorite... I was one of the few girls on that side of the family and spent a lot of time with her in my childhood...

She would let me use toys that she would never let the boys touch because they would break them. She would even confide in me that I was the only one allowed to use the little penny slot machine she had because I would never break it. "Those ornery boys will break it within two minutes". It was probably true but it made me feel special.

It was a very difficult passing and was a long time coming. My great grandma has Alzheimer's syndrome and ended up being in a home because my grandparents could not take care of her anymore. My parents had me visit her a few times before her passing.

I do not know how many actually know what Alzheimer's does to your mind... at 12 years old I was definitely not prepared for what happens when this disease takes over. But I think my parents thought I could handle it. I do not recall if my two older sisters ever visited her or not. But it is a life changing event that occurred by walking into that home for the elderly.

 I had a  jr high class assignment to do something out of my comfort zone and my parents encouraged me to speak to my grandma... I was always unsure of what to say to a human being that was losing her mind... but my parents felt I was capable of enduring this task...

We walked down this hall that reeked of old people... the smell of someone's mouth that had not been brushed in days... Babbling old people confused as to where they were... or even more sad, old people who knew exactly where they were and were abandoned by their families never to be visited again... please God, take me before I end up in a place like this...

I walked into her room which she shared with another elderly woman... I could tell the vivacious women I used to spend every day with was no longer in this weathered body... It scared me...

She said so many words that I had not even really heard before, and it was coming from my grandmother's mouth... "That fucking bitch had it coming to her. I wish these stupid bitches would leave me alone. These nurses treat me like shit." ... My parents had to remind my grandma that I was in the room... she changed her tune then talked to me like I was 6. "Oh my dear Courtney, you are such a sensitive girl, it is so nice to have such a loving caring girl around." ... she then quickly went back into delusion that some nurse was out to get her. I am unsure of my parents perspective but I think they did not expect this to happen when I visited. Needless to say this was an upsetting experience for me.

Fast forward to her inevitable funeral that we had to attend... the first funeral I ever went to... They had an open casket and asked everyone to place her favorite flower into it.

It is a bit blurry what exactly happen but this is what I know is fact...

I walked to the front with my dad and my oldest sister to place a flower into her casket... I had never seen a dead body before in my life and this was especially jarring... I placed the flower in with her and stared at her lifeless body... contemplating about life and thinking about all the things we did together... My oldest sister is extremely distraught and my dad is hugging her... I look up to witness this and he extends his hand to my shoulder to comfort me... My sister is bawling into my dads shoulder...

This has forever stuck with me... was I always meant to be the stronger one? Was I always suppose to be the one that endures the hardest things because I can? Are these strange thoughts to have?

When I had cancer both times my sisters broke down, understandably... but in some twisted way was this suppose to happen to me because the universe knew I wouldn't completely crumble and fall apart? What if the roles had been reversed on one of my sisters? Would things have gone differently? Would we be the same people we are today?

I know what ifs are crazy and never predictable... but how would things have gone? Would we all still be here to tell the tale?