Completely Humbled...

What a weekend...

I've been in Irvine for the amputee conference for the past 4 days and it was definitely an experience just meeting everyone and hearing their stories. (I felt like my story was boring compared to theirs!)

From motorcycle accidents, to car accidents, helicopter accidents, power line accidents, land mines, cancer, congenital, train accidents, combat, infection, diabetes, flesh eating disease, meningitis, doctor error and I am sure there is more... Everyone's story was different and equally almost unbelievable.

I did not meet one person that was not making lemonade out of lemons in one way or the other. Makes you see how awesome, real, and nice all these people are. Everyone has been in somewhat life threatening situations in one way or the other so most have the same philosophy in life... It's too short and you have to make your life worth it and live it to the fullest. Even if it means just following your dreams that before may have seemed impossible...

I think everyone could learn from most amputees. I definitely did... I wish I would have been able to go to this sooner. Maybe it would have stopped my whining about my leg and my frustration over stupid stuff that goes along with it. People always say "someone somewhere always has it worse than you" but that doesn't mean anything until you MEET that person or people.

Even if they do have it worse than me they are definitely not leading on to it. This made me realize a lot about myself...

Definitely glad I went this weekend....

A little reminder of what I have lost... Learning from this weekend. It's time to move on...


Courtney Dawn Photography

These are a few of my favorite things part deux

Once again, no we are not dancing around in a gazebo with some German boy singing about our age. Its a list of funny, weird, annoying observations I have made in my life here in Santa Barbara.

Why the hell isn't this here when I need it????:

1. Why do we allow a nasty Kmart while Target has empty land just uglying up the area because the county won't let them build???



2. This is probably everywhere but why the hell does Bed Bath and BEYOND not carry bar soap????? You can't go beyond if you don't even have the bath yet!!! Why does Adam Sandler get a frickin' time changing remote and I can't even get bar soap???

3. Why do grocery stores not carry funnels???

4. All the gyms close at 11 or 12!!! and on weekend they close at 8! How am I suppose to be able to go? Everywhere else but here is 24 hours in some place in the vicinity.
Seems like the logical places never have what I need...

hello! weirdness has entered the building!!!!

1. They are giving out TEQUILA shots in the grocery store in the middle of the day...you have to show your ID and everything!!! Are we condoning drinking and driving now? Nope, now its drinking and grocery shopping. Why the hell would Albertsons give out alcohol like its a bacon wrapped sausages???


2. Crazy old lady randomly turn around and walk up to me and my friends and say "how would you feel if you were forced to retire after 40 years of teaching?"... and then turn around and walk away...WHAAAA? We are still puzzled by that moment.


3. If you are SHAKING profusely, cannot even read the GIANT numbers on the gas pump, and are oblivious to your children RUNNING around the gas station, you probably should not be allowed to drive...just sayin'


TOURISTS... I'm gunna kill 'em

1. Going the WRONG way on a one way street. I know you are in a different city but there are SIGNS people!


2. If the walk/don't walk sign has a big RED hand that means DON'T WALK!!!! cars have to be able to drive people!!!!



3. There is never ANY parking!!!!

4. Don't stop in the middle of the friggen street to take a picture!!! jeez tourists and traffic just don't mix I guess...


Holidays

1. FIESTA: basically a mexican version of st patty's day...where you drink like hell and throw at anyone and everyone plastic eggs full of confetti (that if they stay on your skin long enough stain your skin whatever color the confetti is, I found that out when my friend threw an egg down my dress). it is also the holiday where bars have to post a sign saying "NO mariacci bands". weirdly enough I think its bigger than cinco de mayo.


2. St patrick's day... DO NOT expect to get into ANY bar that is even CLOSE to irish (even the english bars) they are FULL and there is a line around the building to get in. basically a typical st pattys day full of green and drinking things that are green.


3.Haloween: Don't expect to get anywhere near IV unless you are a resident. even then you have to show proof you live in IV. There are THOUSANDS of people that come to UCSB just for Haloween. its a day where girls dress like sluts and guys love it. Don't go to sb if your claustrophobic. (ps: this pic is actual IV on haloween)



ahh I know I will miss the antics of SB when I am gone, but I am sure every town has crazy stuff happening....I love/hate you SB!!!

These are a few of my favorite things...

No we are not singing as we climb over the green hills to get away from the Nazis. This is a list of some of my favorite (or maybe not so favorite) things about Santa Barbara and the people in them...

WEIRD/HOMELESS PEOPLE (not always one in the same):
(I have to admit its entertaining most of the time...)

1. An old man mumbling, then yelling out "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" then mumbling again in the middle of Starbucks...and he only gets a glance from everyone in there. Then walks out in the pouring rain wearing bermuda shorts mumbling to himself all the way home.


2. A guy walking into Albertsons dressed in a bright yellow rain suit (hat and all) like he's the Gorton's fisherman... Did I mention it had only been sprinkling the whole day?


3. The only place where you will see a rat riding a cat riding a dog.


4. Homeless people give each other "knowing" glances as they pass each other on the street like they are in their own special club.


5. Homeless people are out on State street 12 months out of the year. And since there is "competition" they have to get creative in order to get money. Like: "fishing for money" (cup attached to a "fishing pole") or "I want beer", that one always makes me laugh, OR my FAVORITE "hey do you want my fries?" "NO"...WTF!? homeless guy's getting greedy!!!

I could go on forever about homeless people...

DRIVING:
(UGH)

1. If a cloud even lets out ONE drop of rain, DO NOT even think about driving faster than 45 on the freeway. OK guys, just because it only rains 2 times a year does not mean that you all the sudden have forgotten how to drive.


2. Even if it's not raining, there will still be some idiot IN THE FAST LANE going 45...I am not even exaggerating, it happened a couple weeks ago.

3. In Isla Vista (where UCSB is) if you are driving a car, do not expect to get anywhere very fast. Bicycles EVERYWHERE, and they don't give a shit if you are in a car. And apparently pedestrians feel the same way because a guy WALTZED in front of my car, I had to slam on my breaks, he casually looks at me and then keeps walking. Every time I go over there I feel like I am in a different universe...


4. If you ever drive down State street do NOT expect to turn left...EVER...for some magical reason it's only allowed on Sundays...AND I HATE trying to turn right during tourist season, all the pedestrians make it impossible!!!

5. And my personal pet peeve (its only in my condo complex) I HATE SPEED BUMPS!!! every 10 feet there is a f'ing speed bump. And I am at the end!!! I think I have to go over about 10 to 15 speed bumps just to get to my house!


QUIRKY:
(;D)

1. Wherever you go, dogs are allowed. I have seen a person bring their dog into a restaurant and no one even gave a second glance.


2. We are literally two miles from the beach and they won't let us into the club because someone is wearing shorts....uhhhhh whaaa?

3. It is a JOURNEY to find fast food places. Almost all of them are in THE MOST difficult places to find.

4. There is a DISGUSTING Kmart but they refuse to put in a Target.

5. The closest Target, major restaurants (applebee's etc), and even Jamba Juice are an hour away.

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feeeeeel soooo baaaaaaaaad!

GAH! that song was playing over and over in my head the whole time I was writing this!

Anyways, I am sure there is more so there may be a part two later on. Life is good, and is starting to get back into place. I am where I am suppose to be and definitely happy to be here.

I wonder what's next...

As my college days come to an end I am constantly wondering what will happen next...

I guess that's the scariest part of change, you have NO idea what will happen...

Will I find a job? Will people like my work? Where am I moving? Will I be successful? Will I be close to Chris wherever he is stationed? Will he be successful? Will he change a lot after being in the army? And if so, for better or for worse? Will people discriminate against me because they think I can't do the work?

These questions are always swimming around in my mind and I don't know how to sift through them...

I should know more than anyone that whatever happens will happen but it doesn't mean I can keep my mind off the what ifs.

I think I need to learn to meditate to keep me less stressed about the future...

I feel like I need to prove myself...I've gone through so much shit I feel like I need to redeem myself in order to make all the suffering I went through worth it...

One year ago...

Feels like ten years ago...

One year ago;

I was trying to recover from the hardest surgery I have ever had.
I was trying not to fall apart.
I was living with my parents.
I had to quit school.
I was preparing for another bout of chemo.
I was stuck in bed.
I was unsure about my life.

Today;
I am recovering from a weekend in Vegas.
I am living life to the fullest.
I am living in Santa Barbara.
I am getting my career started.
I am preparing for my bachelors in October.
I am Surfing.
I have my whole life ahead of me.

What a difference a year can make...what a crazy year...

Thank you all who have been there for me through this year...

Especially my boyfriend who never left my side, never slept in order to take care of me, always knew what to say to make me feel better, always knew what to say to snap me out of depression. I think I would have fallen apart it without you.

I think I found that light everyone has been talking about...

I HEART Surfing!

Photo by Ashley Thomas

I just started surfing in March, and I gotta tell you I am HOOKED. If I could I would probably go every day there is good surf.

Ampsurf.org

An awesome group that I found that helps amputees and other disabled people how to surf. The greatest group of people ever. Anyone can come, I MEAN anyone. There are many amputees, mostly below the knee, then there are a few above the knees, people who never thought they would walk again, blind, paraplegic, spinal injury, brain injury.

And they all probably doubted us when we first told people "I'm going surfing!".

I think that's one of the most satisfying parts about this all. Because you tell people you are going to go surf, and they have this huge doubt in their eyes. THEN: guess what guys??!! That picture up above is NOT photoshopped!!!

It gives you this great satisfaction: "If I can surf I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to".

Even though it was only the 3rd time I ever surfed, I was bound and determined to stand up that day. At first I was doubting myself, the first waves I took I was having a hard time just getting on my knee. But something happened, I honestly couldn't tell you what, but all the sudden I find myself going on all 3's, then keeping my hands on the board and getting on my foot, to standing up! I didn't think about it AT ALL, my body just decided it was going to do it. It was only for a split second before I fell off but it was so exciting. After that, every wave I took I stood up. (I stood up 4 times, 4!!!) I wanted to keep going but the surf session was ending and we had to come in.

I think about it, and if NONE of this happened, if I never had cancer, I honestly do not think I would have ever even TRIED or THOUGHT about trying to surf. Isn't that weird? It takes having something horrible happen to you in order for you to take risks and try something new...

I say for everyone that hasn't had something like that happen to them, try something new anyways! What have you got to lose???

(check out this video of Amp surf on CNN!!!)

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2010/05/13/dnt.heroes.dana.cummings.cnn

10 Months ago...

Was it really that short of a time?

I was looking back at my old posts and it feels like that was YEARS ago... How does time do that??

Life seemed and was so shitty and hard and I didn't know how I was going to get through the day let alone the next 6 months after that...

I feel stupid feeling scared about saying it, but I feel like my life is falling back into place again...

Obviously things are different, my friends are graduating, and life is going to change AGAIN. But this time it will be in a good and exciting way...

I'm not sure where life is going to take me but I hope it's somewhere where I will be happy and doing what I love and being with the ones I love...

I am doing things I would have NEVER done before cancer came into my life. Like Surfing! It was so much fun, I have been told by many of the instructors that I am a natural. It makes me wonder how good I could have been before the cancer... Oh well, I am doing it now and that's all that matters...

It helps, because if I can SURF, I feel like I can do ANYTHING! Some of my friends can't even surf with their 2 legs (this sounds mean but it makes me feel good haha)

I feel like I curse myself when I say this, but I also feel like things are going to be different.

My life is falling into place. I know there will still be ups and downs but I get to LIVE my life now. Without pain holding me back, with less worry about cancer coming back, without restrictions...

Jigsaw falling into place
There is nothing to explain
Regard each other as you pass
She looks back, you look back
Not just once, not just twice

Wish away a nightmare, Wish away a nightmare
You got a light, you can feel it on your back
A light, you can feel it on your back
Jigsaw falling into place...

(Radiohead)

Feet, I mean Foot...

I find it weird that things that I say and do now have to substantially change because I am now an amputee. It throws me off sometimes...

I have to catch myself when I say feet instead of foot:
"My feet hurt, I mean foot", "hey can you grab my shoes, I mean shoe", "I have to put one foot in front of the other...uhhh I guess I have to be really fast then", "I almost stood on the board with both feet...agh!". And THEN it changes when I have my leg on!!! Well, most of them...sometimes my other "foot" does hurt too.

That's another thing. When I am talking about phantom sensations I have to now put quotations around "knee" "foot" "leg" in order for it to make sense. And the phantom pains happen at the weirdest times... When I see someone get hurt on TV or whatever it makes my "leg" hurt. Sometimes if someone touches me lightly I get a stabbing pain in my "foot". Why the hell do our brains work so weird sometimes??? And for some reason I can always feel my "foot" whether its hurting or not. I find it all very puzzling.

Statements I never thought I would ever utter:
I need to take my leg off... Can you plug my leg in?... **fart** sorry that was my leg...no really, it was my leg... My leg needs to be calibrated again... Can you adjust my foot?... Sorry, I need to take my leg off before I get in the pool...

The things that I find amusing:
I don't really have to pair my socks because I use a thinner sock for my leg (I found myself wondering why my boyfriend brought out 2 socks for my friend to wear...that's how bad it has gotten haha). I have to put my pants then my shoes on the leg before I even put it on...too much of a pain in the ass to try and do after the fact. The foot on the leg is slightly too big so I have to spend a half hour sometimes just getting the damn shoe on (not so amusing). I have LUBE for my LEG! I get to sit down in the shower!!! I have built in hydrolics! My leg cost 4 times the amount of my car...yes I said four. People give me evil stares as I park in the handicap spot...then they feel bad when I get out of the car.

Children:
A little girl looked at my leg, looked at her own leg, then repeated the process about 3 more times. "what is different here...." I don't think she ever figured it out.
A little boy STARED at my leg in line at the grocery store, tugged as hard as he could on his dads' shirt, and said as he pointed "DAD LOOK!" the dad refused to turn around because he was too embarrassed by his kids' candidness.
A shy little 5 yr old boy was staring, timidly tapped his mom, pointed, and the mom replied "if you want to know what happened why don't you ask?" knowing that he wouldn't DARE speak to me.

Parents:
I would like to have a disclaimer for all parents. Kids are curious, they don't know any better. If you ignore their questions, tell them to be quiet, stop pointing or flat out ignore them you are only going to magnify the stigma that is people's disability. If I am smiling at your kid and you while he asks where my leg went, tell them! They aren't stupid (they are actually a lot smarter than you think)! You don't have to dumb it down, just be honest! You are not going to offend me! And I think ANY person knows that kids are not malicious, they are just CURIOUS.

HELP:
If I do not ask for help, don't help me. I do not consider myself DISABLED. I am perfectly ABLE. I do have to do things a little bit different than before. I am not going to let someone patronize me by practically pushing me out of the way to open the door for me, or trying to do my job for me because you think I can't do it. I did not get this far to just let everyone do things for me. I know my limit, and I know when to ask for help, I am not THAT stubborn. I feel like I need to sing a Beatles song now..."help me get my feet back on the ground"...I mean foot

Life Transformed...

My great grandmother just died this past week at the bold age of 96 and left behind her husband, my great grandpa.

They had been married for 75 years...some people don't even live that long in the first place!

I just keep thinking back to the stories I have heard and wonder if my grandpa is going to die soon. Death from a broken heart? Is there such a thing? Can love even be THAT strong?

Is it wrong I am more sad for my grandpa than I am for my grandma's death?

(Don't get me wrong. I am going to miss her dearly. But she had a long, happy life).

I just keep imagining him that first night lying in that bed all by himself...how would that feel? It breaks my heart to even think about it...

They always say that time flies by the older you get. In this situation, I think the world would stop...

Live, LOVE, Laugh, Never take anything for granted... life is short, even if you do live to be 96 years old.

Just Dance...

If only it were that easy...

Dance was my outlet, my creativity flowing through me, my spiritual guide through good and bad times, my passage to speaking to God and letting him speak through me, my friend, my life...

Is it sad or wrong that I am still heartbroken over never being able to REALLY dance ballet or modern again? Is it wrong that dance is the only thing I truly mourn losing from all of this??? I mourn losing dance more than I mourn losing my leg... what sense does that make???

It hurts to even watch other dancers just dancing like its nothing...it literally hurts

I didn't even know my last dance would be my last...and for some reason I can remember every beating moment...

Why does it always seem to work out that way? Pianist gets arthritis, photographer goes blind, musician goes deaf, dancer loses her leg... Or maybe we just bring light to these instances because they are more tragic and weirdly poetic...

I feel so selfish saying this but why the fuck did this have to happen? It doesn't seem fair. Can't we just find a way to transfer this pain, sickness, heartache to the evil people in the world? I know so many wonderful people that go through this bullshit every day. My friends' cancer may be back for the FOURTH time... how is that fair???

I love them for it though, because they are the most compassionate, forgiving, wonderful, strong, beautiful people I have and ever will meet. And they wouldn't be who they are if it weren't for cancer.

But why does it have to take CANCER to make these amazing people?

Even though it breaks my heart, I will still dance as much as I can. And I hope my friends will do the same... I know lady gaga seems like the last person to quote but it feels appropriate:

They say roses have thorns, so just dance, it's going to be OK...