New Year...

So this is the new year, And i don't feel any different. The clanking of crystal, Explosions off in the distance.

So this is the new year, And I have no resolutions. For self assigned penance, For problems with easy solutions

I wish the world was flat like the old days, Then i could travel just by folding a map.
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways, There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

-Death Cab For Cutie

Music has always been an integral part of my life ever since I was little. And as the New Year comes about to a year that many people believe will be their last, I contemplate my own mortality and the times when life has contemplated the future of my mortality.

This song reminds me that we all have it really simple... we have problems with easy solutions. And the people who don't have the luxury of these solutions are pondering their childhood, a simpler time. When everything made sense and was easy, no distractions, no hard decisions...

I come to a point in my life that I haven't been able to get past: my 3 year mark with no cancer. And as this point in my life comes (and hopefully passes by) my true resolution is to live life to the fullest. Because there are people in the world and in my life that don't have that privilege.

So let's make this year simple like in the old days and resolve to live life to the fullest. You never know when it's your last day, well maybe for some it's 12/21/12 haha. So why don't we listen to those Mayans and at least pretend this is our last year on earth.

Go live life like you have always wanted.

Veterans Day

I share a memorable day with veterans: 11/11, the day I found out I had cancer for the first time.

Like most veterans my life was never the same again...for a while it was not for the better, but things got there, always in time.

I have met so many amazing men who have lost a piece of themselves in one way or another for our country. It amazes me that every single one of them are still so incredibly patriotic even after their injuries...

This last AmpSurf clinic I looked around, as a blind girl sang The National Anthem, these men with missing limbs, replaced pieces of their body and lost pieces of their brains stood in salute, so incredibly proud to have fought for this country... where is our patriotism?

I recall a man I met that was a vet in the Vietnam war...He said it took 20 years for someone to even THANK him for what he did for our country...what is wrong with us?

After I met this man, I met another man at an amputee conference. He had told me he was a Vietnam vet and that he had lost his leg from an old land mine. I recalled the first man and made a point to thank him and shake his hand before I said goodbye...I think it was the first time he had heard those words because his eyes welled up with tears...I turned and walked away and the thought in my head was: 37 years without a thank you...How?

Thank the vets and currently serving men and women. No matter how young or old. They have made incredible sacrifices for us to be free and be able to have the rights and say in the world we live in. We are all so incredibly blessed to have people like this in our country...

Wednesday Dance

Half of the journey is how you get there... wow those words have not impacted me more than today...

We had a group discussion today for our halfway point. We talked about what made us happy, what was challenging, and what we thought the first day as opposed to now. But one thing was seared into my brain and could not have applied more to my own life than this...

On our exercises we have to travel across this huge floor, I find it tiring, and challenging especially when we are suppose to rush. Whenever I think of rush I think of running, but I am always afraid of falling flat on my face.

During our discussion B. stated something that just clicked in my head not only for this week but my WHOLE life, at least the past 7 years of my life. With a tear in their eye "I am so terrified of traveling, how am I suppose to get across this HUGE room?" With that statement I don't think there was a dry eye in the room...

It made me start thinking about my life, all these people in the rooms' lives...

I know there have been points in all of our lives where we are TERRIFIED to keep moving because what is coming next may not be what we expected, what we wanted, what we imagined for our lives...

But somehow we just kept moving, terrified or not, we put on a brave face, maybe act like nothing is wrong and just keep...moving...

I try and imagine how it would be to be these other dis/abled people, and even though I have been through a lot, they have probably gone through much more... I am amazed by everyone in the group...

And I know we all relate because in spite of all that was against us, disabled or otherwise...

WE. KEPT. MOVING.




JUST. KEEP. MOVING.

Tuesday Dance

SO SORE! Good sore...

So as normal as this sounds to the rest of you, I was able to almost run today. In the confusion of "rushing and resolving" and getting so involved with the other dancers I realized that I was ACTUALLY rushing... it's more of a hop-bound movement but it is still moving faster than I have moved in 7 years... Invigorating...

Today was full of peace, laughter, inspiration, seriousness, discussion...It's like we have all been friends for ages...

I find myself getting enthralled watching N. the blind girl understanding the movement given to her by just the description that the teacher is giving...

Every person, abled or otherwise is pushing themselves, growing, inspiring, understanding, creating...

It's only Tuesday and the chemistry within our group is amazing.

Monday Dance

This week was the beginning of something big. My eyes have already been opened and it's only Monday...

Today started out with learning the technique and the warm up skills we will be using for the rest of the week. And the thing I noticed the most was not only my own adaptation to the movement but everyone else. Whether they be crazy good dancers who take the movements to the extreme, or the differently abeled who can only move their arms.

Everyone was united by dance...someone today told me "if you can breath you can dance" I believe they were quoting a teacher of theirs...

The whole experience dissolved the stigma of disability and everyone was just a dancer interpreting their movements in their own way. I was truly inspired by how different we are and that we can be united so instantly...

We moved on to choreographing movements to describe objects which in turn brought duets we then performed for the group. That in itself was interesting to see how someone interprets a rock, or a basket, or a stapler... crazy beautiful

Towards the end of the day we had an open contact improvisation. I was transfixed by some of the people, how they fully trusted each other and were so comfortable with the proximity to each other. I honestly at some points felt like they were performing a choreographed piece, but it was all improv.

This is something I am going to have to work at... I don't feel comfortable enough yet to even move freely when there is another body next to me. Part uncertainty, part inexperience, part fear... all I need to get over by this week.

That is my goal... to let go...something I need to do with a lot of pieces of my life...maybe this will be the beginning...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKcsKXTzd4s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpTc605QQUM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v​=iKn5AbJd4CM&feature=youtube_g​data_player

The Ocean...

Courtney Dawn Photography

These past couple months have been pretty rocky and after this weekend I can't believe how much the ocean can heal you.

Physically it can heal your small wounds that have taken a while to fix themselves. The ocean can help you to be more fit, in tern helping you to live longer. The cold ocean may numb the pain you may have from a part of your body that is aching or hurt.

But what about emotionally? I had never been able to REALLY stand up because surfing is hard enough with one leg you can't really stand higher than your opposite hand can reach. And until this weekend I hadn't experienced it. With help from my prosthetist and tweaking after the first failure in June, I was able to have a surf leg on.

Imagine paddling out into this mass of water, watching these waves come at you.

Some times you miss the break and have a fun ride over the waves.

Some times you have to race to keep the wave from breaking right on top of you.

And some times you have no choice but to hang on for dear life and let that wave crash right on you...and in this moment you feel the wave take control...There are times when you are able to hang on to the board and come up and keep paddling. Other times the wave takes control and you lose your board...

My life has been feeling like the latter...

But Saturday, I took that wave head on physically. I made it through, turned around, and with the help of some awesome people I got my wave. It felt like an accomplishment that I didn't know I had been waiting for. And in this physical accomplishment I made an emotional one too. There are no words to describe how I felt as I got off the board, turned around and headed back into those waves...

Out of all the SHIT that happens, good things come out of it. These past 6 years of my life have been crazy and unpredictable and I say it ALL THE TIME but I never thought I would be doing what I am doing with my life let alone STANDING and surfing...

As I headed back into those waves there were a lot of things going through my head...the most important was the overwhelming emotion that I did it...I got over EVERYTHING that has happened to me these years...cancer, death, amputation, heartbreak, frustrations, insecurities...and I just LIVED...

And as I now glide over the break physically and emotionally I know that I will get crashed on again, and I know that I will get thrown off my board, but I also know I will have others to be there for me when I pop my head back up...

New life, New problems

2 years have passed since my amputation and a lot of things have changed. Mostly for the better, but some for the worse.

Summers suck because you want to just wear shorts, but your leg still can't breath... And if I don't wear my leg that meant I have to walk around with crutches (which is scary around the pool because I have a bigger chance of slipping).

Not to mention the rashes and calluses formed by the heat and wear...

But those things are nothing compared to the discrimination I have been experiencing in the last 2 years... This is definitely new to me since I am a white female in California, but now I am a part of the minority too, a disabled young person... someone has to say it, discrimination is still alive and well...

I have been getting glares when I park in the handicap spot, I feel like I am being judged as I walk into Target by people trying to see what my disability is. I feel like I have to limp extra or wear shorts all the time... Just because I am young doesn't mean I don't need a spot...

And I hate to say it, but I am feeling it in the job market...Not the place I work now... They won't even give me the chance or the benefit of the doubt before deciding my disability is not worth the hassle they think will be ensued on them if they employ me...it's frustrating...

I realize now that these new hassles will be a part of my life, but I never thought in the 21st century and this would still be going on...

I guess it will make life more interesting!

People! If the person is qualified, hire them! It's just as much discrimination against a qualified disabled person as it is a qualified African American...remember that!

Heart of Gold

My friend Juliana:

Kind hearted, always there for you, awesome friend, awesome wife, awesome mother, great daughter, the strongest person I have ever met.

Although we have never met in person, she is one of my closest friends.

We have known each other through the bad: Cancer, family death, more cancer, new illnesses...

And the good: Graduation, marriage, being engaged, becoming a parent, celebrating our lives after cancer...

And now Jules is seriously sick. How can this happen to such an awesome woman who deserves the world!? I am heartbroken that this is happening to her...

She has gone through more than 5 lifetimes of suffering and it keeps coming...

I think about her and John and Johnny every day and pray that she gets better so that one day she can be as energetic and happy as she was before this illness. So that she can play with her son, so that she can go on a date with her husband, so that she can get her life back...

But somehow she stays strong, if not only for herself but for those around her. She keeps a positive outlook even though the glass may not even be close to half full. She is my inspiration, she is the reason I have a positive outlook on my life, she is the reason I live my life to the fullest. If not for myself then for her.

Love you Jules, you deserve the life of a movie star (Demi Moore not Charlie Sheen haha), You deserve the life that most people take for granted...

Who...A year later...

http://courtneydawnw.blogspot.com/2010/02/who.html

This blog is in reference to a blog I did almost exactly a year ago...

Since then I have done a lot of things in my life...

Soon after I started surfing with Amp Surf, which changed my life so much. I feel like I can do anything.

I cameod on a few TV shows and Movies... Which was something I never expected.

I got to photograph some awesome actors like Kirk Douglas and Harrison Ford.

I met some of the most amazing people at the amputee conference, which was completely humbling.

I graduated with a bachelors from Brooks in Santa Barbara.

I got engaged that same weekend.

My fiancee' went into the army.

I am starting my career and my life....my whole life is ahead of me...

But as a cancer survivor, I will always have those nagging feelings in the back of my head every time I step into the blood lab or radiology...what if this is the day that my life gets flipped upside down...yet again...

But who am I?

I have not felt lost in the past year, and even though there is less of me, I feel whole...

I NEVER imagined my life would be this way, but that's OK...

My life has been harder than most, but I feel like a better human being because of it. And I know that I am stronger for it...

I now ROCK the shorts and find every opportunity to wear them...Stare at me all you want, I am going to stay confident. Even if you ARE rudely gawking...

And I cannot get away from the fact that I am an amputee. People will remember me first as the girl with one leg, then second as anything else. I have been told that I inspire people...somehow I inspire people by just walking through the farmers market...I will never be seen as anything else, but that's OK. Because as crazy as it sounds, if I can help one person in any way feel better about their own lives then it was worth the pain and suffering to get where I am.

So who am I?
I am one year older, I am still a 2x cancer survivor, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, amputee, photographer, dancer, choreographer, artist, American, Californian, Christian, musician.

I will be forever changed by what has happened to me and now, a year later, I am OK with it because I KNOW I am where I am suppose to be in life.

Would I change my life if I could? No chance in hell. I am happy, and I have been given opportunities I NEVER would have had with 2 legs.



I KNOW EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Courtney Dawn Photography
www.courtneydawnphotography.com

Now that's awkward...

Via Creativity online

Everyone hates awkward moments... especially with strangers. If you have an awkward moment with a friend or family you can always joke it away and you know they won't take it the wrong way or not get your joke. But with strangers there is no good way to get out of an awkward situation.

This has been especially apparent with me since my amputation. And only when I am walking around on crutches not with my prosthetic (because that is understandable if someone doesn't know).

This is how scenario one goes:

I am walking with crutches (usually up to a cash register or something where the other person is unable to see I am legless).

Cashier: "Oh did you hurt your ankle?" (ps. why is it always your ankle? does the rest of your leg just not get hurt?)

Me: "Uhmm...(awkward laugh) no" then once you walk away they will see you are legless and then feel bad.

OR

Me: "actually I had to have my leg amputated"
Cashier: "oh I am so sorry!" Then they proceed to apologize and they feel bad.

How do you avoid making them feel bad? There is NO good way to get out of this situation without making them feel bad and making you feel awkward because you know they will end up feeling bad.

Scenario 2:

The person is oblivious and is standing right in front of you and asks "Oh what happened". That's when I just say "really????... really." Then they feel stupid when they realize that they are idiots. Those situations I don't feel bad or awkward because they just are not observant AT ALL.

And even if you are not legless who EVER wants to tell a stranger how they hurt themselves? When has it ever been a memory you want to relive? Why are people so nosy/curious?

MORAL OF THE STORY PEOPLE: CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT...or if it doesn't kill your furry friend maybe it will kill your curiosity from now on.