10 years

What a substantial amount of time...

SO much can happen in 10 years that you cannot even fathom... Just the sheer amount of possibilities there is to come in that amount of time...

I was reminded today of that amount of time that is from a friend that had cancer and limb salvage surgery the same time I did. We don't talk as much as we used to, but I still check out what he is up to from time to time on Facebook.

I was reminded that my bone replacement would be up for another replacement soon... and that made me a little sad... not for missing my leg... but the thought going through all that rehab and pain all over again...

That being said, my friend did a million times better with his replacement than I and I know he will do great things with his new and improved replacement that will now last him 30 years (with the new technology that has come out).

But it still crosses my mind... would that have all been worth it for myself? When I first found out I had cancer again I was so against removing my leg... I didn't want to be disabled... I didn't want to be THAT different... but... would I have even lived to see the 10 year mark of my bone replacement?

Why are we so attached to something that disables you more? To be normal? Life is hard and SO annoying  at times with 1 leg... but what was the alternative? A life of painkillers, pain, limited mobility, and the unnerving possibility of cancer returning/spreading and eventually not living to see where your life was going to take you...

I really deeply thought about it and realized there is no way of knowing who or where I would be right now if I hadn't lost my leg... and that is OK... because the what ifs will just drive you up the wall...

Your life is here and now... and anything that hinders you from living it is not worth your thoughts, time, or effort...

The cure

I sometimes think that when a cure for cancer is finally found, I am going to feel more bitter than happy about it... is that wrong? Is that ok?  Is that human? Is that selfish?

Yes to all of those questions... we can only grow from the experiences we have and the history we have made for ourselves..

We can only move forward... hope to look back... be mostly proud... mostly happy from what has happened in our lives and what we have accomplished...

Even if there is still a twinge of hurt in the middle of all of it... that's how life keeps moving forward...

There will be things that we will miss out on, and the gauge of your success is your content of your own future and past...

So I will sit here and wait... and whatever feeling I have on that amazing day will be ok... because I am happy and healthy and really, that's all that matters in life... and that's what I try and tell myself every day...

Are you OK?

Weird weeks make you wonder "is there a full moon"???? Silly question I know.

Cancer, death, sickness, aging are always looming over your life and you may not even realize it...

All four have been looming over my head for a month or so and this week was especially interesting/trying...

I found photos my sister took of me not realizing that she was doing so. It is an interesting view of a life I have not lived... a life of the outsider looking in... no control... you just have to watch it all play out and hope for the best... maddening I am sure...

You are looking at your bald sister, four years younger than yourself, skinny, missing a leg, having cancer for a second time and you think... "what do I do? how is this fair?"

All the while I am in my safe haven... TV and family and keeping my mind off the next hospital visit... never really thinking about how this effects the other part of my family... because who with cancer wants to burden themselves with that??? My goal in that moment was to get back to school and my life without cancer...

It becomes this strange social balance that no one really knows how to deal with... what do I do, what do they do, if I do this does that bother the other party... I mean, who knows how to deal with a young adult with cancer... That shit is for old people right? ; )

Nope!

How many young people have I interacted with that have cancer? Too many... We exist people!!! It doesn't just happen to old people...

So the question still remains... How do our caretakers take care of our lives in a dignified way? How do we as cancer "victims" deal with our family being overbearing and invasive in our lives?

YOU DEAL!!! They care what happens to you and want to be there for you... even if it feels like a total invasion of privacy, as long as it is in your best interest, just go with it and let someone else take the reigns...

You need to focus on YOU! Let the people you care about worry about the other stuff... they want to help...

I look at the photos my sister took and I admire them... because it is a view of how the other person sees you... They may not have another photo of you in your life and they want to document the time they have with you... They may know deep down that you may want to see those photos in the future in admiration, so they keep them...

Any way you look at it, this person is thinking of you and your life and even in the darkest days they want to document your life because they know one day you will look back and remember that time in your life where all that mattered was family and staying alive...

That is what life is all about right?

My Immediate Goals

Some people may not first realize what it means to have a fake leg. They may think you put it on, learn how to walk on it and then you are good to go. There is so much more to it and the quality of leg makes a huge difference in quality of life...

Right now I can admit I have it better than a lot of people. I was able to get one of the first generation computerized knees. It by all means has been a great knee to have after losing my leg at such a young age.

But now I have hit the 5 year mark and my warrantee has expired. This means if something breaks in my leg very seriously I will have to get a new one... Here is the kicker, they won't let me get the next generation of leg... They (being insurance) will give me a leg (most likely with a hefty copay) that is exactly the same if not lesser...

Right now, I cannot climb up stairs more than one stair at a time... I cannot climb up hills without exerting so much energy and tweaking my back in a very unnatural way... I can't even go on an easy level ground hike because the rocks on the ground if stepped on will make me fall... I am terrified to get even a small splash of water on my leg because it can completely short circuit the computer therefore making my leg completely unusable... That is just a few of the many issues I have to deal with on a daily basis...

Now with all that being said, there are a lot of hoops I have to go through to even find out the out of pocket price for my dream leg... This is going to be a lot of work and a lot of headache I am sure... But I know it will be worth it because my day to day life will improve tenfold...

Here is my dream leg

Life and Death, Strength and Weakness

This may become a morbid post but my thoughts tend to wander to different spaces...

I was probably my great grandmas' favorite... I was one of the few girls on that side of the family and spent a lot of time with her in my childhood...

She would let me use toys that she would never let the boys touch because they would break them. She would even confide in me that I was the only one allowed to use the little penny slot machine she had because I would never break it. "Those ornery boys will break it within two minutes". It was probably true but it made me feel special.

It was a very difficult passing and was a long time coming. My great grandma has Alzheimer's syndrome and ended up being in a home because my grandparents could not take care of her anymore. My parents had me visit her a few times before her passing.

I do not know how many actually know what Alzheimer's does to your mind... at 12 years old I was definitely not prepared for what happens when this disease takes over. But I think my parents thought I could handle it. I do not recall if my two older sisters ever visited her or not. But it is a life changing event that occurred by walking into that home for the elderly.

 I had a  jr high class assignment to do something out of my comfort zone and my parents encouraged me to speak to my grandma... I was always unsure of what to say to a human being that was losing her mind... but my parents felt I was capable of enduring this task...

We walked down this hall that reeked of old people... the smell of someone's mouth that had not been brushed in days... Babbling old people confused as to where they were... or even more sad, old people who knew exactly where they were and were abandoned by their families never to be visited again... please God, take me before I end up in a place like this...

I walked into her room which she shared with another elderly woman... I could tell the vivacious women I used to spend every day with was no longer in this weathered body... It scared me...

She said so many words that I had not even really heard before, and it was coming from my grandmother's mouth... "That fucking bitch had it coming to her. I wish these stupid bitches would leave me alone. These nurses treat me like shit." ... My parents had to remind my grandma that I was in the room... she changed her tune then talked to me like I was 6. "Oh my dear Courtney, you are such a sensitive girl, it is so nice to have such a loving caring girl around." ... she then quickly went back into delusion that some nurse was out to get her. I am unsure of my parents perspective but I think they did not expect this to happen when I visited. Needless to say this was an upsetting experience for me.

Fast forward to her inevitable funeral that we had to attend... the first funeral I ever went to... They had an open casket and asked everyone to place her favorite flower into it.

It is a bit blurry what exactly happen but this is what I know is fact...

I walked to the front with my dad and my oldest sister to place a flower into her casket... I had never seen a dead body before in my life and this was especially jarring... I placed the flower in with her and stared at her lifeless body... contemplating about life and thinking about all the things we did together... My oldest sister is extremely distraught and my dad is hugging her... I look up to witness this and he extends his hand to my shoulder to comfort me... My sister is bawling into my dads shoulder...

This has forever stuck with me... was I always meant to be the stronger one? Was I always suppose to be the one that endures the hardest things because I can? Are these strange thoughts to have?

When I had cancer both times my sisters broke down, understandably... but in some twisted way was this suppose to happen to me because the universe knew I wouldn't completely crumble and fall apart? What if the roles had been reversed on one of my sisters? Would things have gone differently? Would we be the same people we are today?

I know what ifs are crazy and never predictable... but how would things have gone? Would we all still be here to tell the tale?

Shape shifter

Psycho, you killer, you cancer, my friend
Why don't you give me an answer for when
When you'll let it go
(Local Natives)

There have been many times where I look back at who I was 4 years ago and I say... "who was that?"

There is a new app that shows you what you said 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 years ago... I was a dumbass 4/5 years ago I can say that without a doubt...

Abbreviating things like an early 20 something does... it is irritating.  BTW, OMG, B there, Where R U.... ugh.... yuck...

I struggle with letting things go that happened in the past that I felt I should have changed. Am I crazy? Should I worry about that now? Does it even matter?

I hope I have evolved since that 22 year old person... but, fuck... I want to punch my 22 year old self... hard...

No idea that soon ahead, days from now, my 22 year old self would deal with the life and death decision that I now live with... I had to trust in my dumbass 22 year old self in order to live or die... does that give you confidence? I didn't think so.

Thankfully the right, more difficult decision was made, hopefully my stupid 22 year old self learned some things. 

The next 5 years would be determined. Not very helpful that all this happened around my birthday. Because now my birthday is one of the 3 most detrimental memories of my life. Thankfully the dumbassery of my 22 year old-ness was taken over by sensible, more sound thoughts instilled by my parents from my childhood. I was able to make a sound decision and chose life over limb. Not an easy choice, but it was made...

You are not to blame for the life you ended up with. The life you chose is what you made of it... for better or worse... you made your choice... we always hope it was for the better... looking back at it and regretting will not make anything better... the choice is made... the path is laid... now you must follow it... for better or for worse... this path is what you made and it will be the thing that leads you to where you are meant to be... hopefully for the better and not for the worse...

Boston Marathon

Via Huffington Post Photogapher Robert X Fogarty

As we approach the year marker of the bombing of the Boston Marathon I start to think about how we approach our lives...

April 15 2013... people were changed, families were changed, lives were lost, lives were eventually gained...

Is it strange that we take huge tragic events like these to effect our lives in a positive manner?? I think so, but it's true...

Many people lost lives, many people lost limbs, many people felt like they dodged a bullet, many people lost a sense of security in their lives... How can you do something so positive like a marathon and it end so so badly?

You start your day like any other... cup of coffee...simple morning conversation with your family... passing hellos to random people you pass... simple mundane things that you would never remember otherwise. But this day, you will remember every. last. detail...

 There are so many positive things, so many positive outlooks, so many positive reactions to this tragedy... These "men", bombers did not win anything... The "victims" won...

For people who are not disabled nor have gone through any sort of difficult feat as even having a family member lose a limb, you may not understand where I am coming from...

It seems like the end of the world at first... How are you suppose to live through something this tragic, this horrific, this unthinkable?

I have yet to meet an amputee that does not have a very very positive outlook on life. We know what it is like to see death in the face and say "Fck you, you are not taking me, I am going to make it through this". It is a triumph we have achieved, we are not victims, we are victors! We have gone through more than most people go through in a lifetime.

Don't feel sorry for me or any other person that is disabled. Don't give me that typical "I'm sorry" face when you see me. We have more understanding of what life is about than many many people do. We do not want your pity... we want your respect.

Whether it be cancer, diabetes, accidents, bombings, IEDs we lived through it and made it out the other side. We are loving life and appreciating every second we have of it.

 I respect these bomb survivors so much that are standing up and showing that we as human beings can rise above adversity, terrorism and say "you are not taking me down... I am still standing... even if it is on plastic feet."

Take this into account on your own lives... are you living how you should? Are little things bothering more than they should? Are you really living life to the fullest? Are you living life like you may not have another day?

This is how life should be lived... like there may not be a tomorrow... like today may be the only day you have in the sun... Are you living life like you want to?

Helicopters and aeroplanes

I tend to use a lot of metaphors in what I write. As I have gotten older, everything seems to mean something more if you put your mind to it.

I was reminded of a childhood experience I had when I was about 6 or 7. My great aunt Eva Lou was in California for a week or two. My dad and her had hit off like gangbusters when they first met. He had planned a surprise for her and all of us, and had his pilot friend bring a helicopter to the field next to our house.

The pilot took each and everyone of us up individually and did an air tour of the area around my parents house. I was one of the last ones to go.

He took me up on the helicopter and we flew over the river, Tracy, Manteca, my parents house then went back to land.

It wasn't the fly that stuck in my memory, it was the landing. The pilot let me take control of the helicopter when we were close to the ground and helped me land it. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would have been...

You have to land exactly right or you will have a rough landing. He had me move the plane up and down feet from the ground trying to get it perfect. Every time seemed scary and frustrating to me until finally I landed it just right. It was exhilarating feeling like I was in control of something so big.

It reminds me of the things after that incident that made me feel so small at the time, but once I accomplished them, I felt like I could do anything with my life. It doesn't matter if it is cancer, death, some other illness, or something much more simple than that... It matters that you conquered it and figured out your own way to do things, make things work for you in your own favor...

Think things through and land that plane steady and smooth, or make a rough landing for yourself and hope everything turns out OK... 

Life is what you make it... you better make it good... you only get one chance...

The beginning of something new...

Year 4... I can't believe it has been that long... This is kind of a continuation from the previous blog...

4 years ago this week I had the hardest day of my entire life... I don't think I will have any day harder than it...

What do you do when you have to choose between your leg and your life? I was hesitant...

The weeks preceding this life altering day was... well... confusing...

I was extremely defiant to getting rid of my leg at first. But I thought about it more and more... recovery time, rehab, pain, the chance of cancer coming back was just too much to imagine...

I recall a young man talking very directly to me about the pros of my situation... my life was such a blur I can barely recall who he was... but I knew he knew what I was about to go through... and he was right... my leg had to go...

I don't really recall the night before... I do remember sleeping much more well than I expected...

The worst part of this whole day was the waiting... waiting in the waiting room... waiting in pre op... waiting on the surgery table...

I remember walking (insisting on walking) to the pre- op room knowing these were going to be my last steps on my left leg... I wanted to savor every second of it and remember every feeling and sensation I had...

I had to be by myself at first in the room which was line up with people (mostly older and decaying) waiting for surgery. Some people were just coming back from surgery and were very out of it... and very emotional, either anger or crying... not sure why anesthesia only brings out these emotions...

I took off everything... everything that was me... my favorite necklace, all of my clothing, stripping me down to nothing... a precursor, I felt, to how I was going to feel after all this was done... naked... defiled... maimed... disfigured...

I then had to put on those god awful shit brown grippy socks they make you wear that barely stay on your feet... the last thing that would ever be on my left foot... most likely why I have a negative feeling whenever I see them...

The nurse that was going to take care of me obviously had no idea why I was there... I am sure she was regretful when she asked...

Big happy smile on her face, pleasant woman, reminded me of one of my aunts... "So what are you getting done today?' she says with a smile on her face that was meant to be comforting...

How the hell am I suppose to answer? I can barely keep it together... I have been good all day and not cried once...

I clenched my teeth, then relaxed my jaw and answered with as much composure I could muster... "My leg is being amputated today..."

The smile on her face went away and tears started streaming down my face... the only thing she could say was "You are my daughters age" She gave me a hug, assured me she would be there when I got out of surgery, and then she never came to my bedside again...

That encounter has always bothered me... was she too upset by it? was she just busy with other patients? I guess I will never know...

My dad stayed by my bedside until they took me away... everyone came in and out to wish me luck and he stayed with me the whole time... The second he hugged me and walked away I couldn't stop crying... it was real... this was happening... I am never going to be the same again...

As I am brought into the cold surgery room, I am told to curl into a ball so they can start the epidural. I cling to my knee and look at my other leg, frantically wiggling my toes, knowing I will never see that leg again... Holding back tears... The numbness takes over and I know at that moment I will never feel that leg again...

They lay me back and cover my body with blankets. They insert the extensions where your arms rest into the surgery bed which make it form some sort of unholy cross. They strap my arms in, I have this heinous thought that I am about to be tortured by some evil doctor. I can see them lifting my leg and covering it with orange iodine, getting the tourniquet ready, and started going over the technicalities...

I am still awake..."Courtney Wilson, amputation of the left leg...." there are so many things are rushing in my head... These words, as simple as they may be separate from each other have formed this huge ominous storm cloud over my head... it impossible to hold back tears... I am incapable of moving so I can't even brush the waterfall of tears coming down my face, as hard as I may try...

The nurse next to me sees that I am awake and crying asks for me to be put under... she takes off her sterile glove, touches my face, and wipes my tears away... I can't bear to meet her gaze in fear of crying even more...

That's the last thing I remember...And I will never forget it...

Reflection

Courtney Dawn Photography

Looking back on things doesn't necessarily mean that you are regretful or sad about the occurrences in your life...

That being said I seem to look back a lot on my life... not out of nostalgia.... not out of regret... nor out of sadness... but out of reflection...

If one thing wouldn't have happened then another thing may have been different... and with that I can be thankful things came out the way they were... they may not seem ideal to most people but I am happy... 

I guess I can't say it enough sometimes... but I am happy now because I knew where I was 4 years ago today...

I had just celebrated my 22nd birthday with all of my friends. I came home for the weekend because I was interning in San Francisco. I had just had surgery a few weeks before on my leg to remove the screws from my leg that were pushing out. 

I headed to the pharmacy in Manteca after having lunch with my boyfriend at the time. Normal occurrence with few people at the pharmacy. I was wearing a brace at the time. A man that parked in the handicap spot next to me said "ACL?" I wasn't in the mood for having the "I had cancer" conversation so I said "no"... probably rudely but I didn't care...

I walked into the pharmacy and am about to get in line when I get a call from my surgeon. 

"Courtney, how are you feeling?" 

I feel optimistic about the recent surgery so I reply "I feel good! The pain in my leg isn't that bad and I seem to be healing well. How are you?"

"I am doing well thanks for asking. I wanted to talk to you about how the surgery went."

"I think it went pretty well don't you think?"

His voice gets softer and slightly more serious... I feel a huge weight hit my chest like someone threw an anvil at me.

"Courtney, when we took out the screws remember I said they just fell out right when I opened your leg up? Well I did some routine tests just to be sure... the Sarcoma is back and it is in your tendon now."

I am standing in the middle of this swarm of people in this god forsaken hospital by myself and I am being told that I am 22 fucking years old and I have cancer... again...

At this point it has not sunk in yet completely so I reply "Well I am at the hospital. Can you order labs for me so I can just get it done while I am here?"

He seems a little jarred by my response but he complies and then asks "Should I call your mom or do you want me to?"

Immediately I know I can't stand to hear her voice hearing her daughter has cancer again... "Please tell her for me... I don't think I can do it." 

"OK, it will be alright. We will take care of this. Your labs will be ordered soon."

I don't even bother getting my prescription. I just walk back to my car and sit in the drivers seat sideways with the door open. I couldn't hold my disbelief back anymore and the tears start coming. The man who had asked about my knee before is now looking at me with concern. I can only imagine he thinks that he said something wrong and that is why I am crying.

I stay in the car for a while and then drag myself to the labs. Hoping no one talks to me about anything that will make me cry. As I am sitting there getting my blood taken I am just thinking that no one even knows that anything is wrong with me yet... I have to have this awful "I have cancer" conversation with friends and family again... how am I going to go through this again... I know the statistics about re - occurring osteosarcoma and they are not on my side...

What is going to happen with my life? What is going to happen with my leg? Will I live... or will I die?

God only knows...

Six is my lucky number

Courtney Dawn Photography

Six years ago today I lost a piece of my body, lost my sense of security.... lost my mobility that would not return until three years later when I saw these screws again outside of my body...

They may look like pieces of torture but they are the things, to put it simply, that saved my life...

Three years after having half my tibia, all of my knee and part of my femur removed and replaced to get rid of the cancer, it came back...

The only way I found out... and would have found out for quite some time without it... was these four pieces of surgical steel...

The tumor just happened to be right underneath where these were... just happened to start pushing them out... just happened to cause me more pain... and I just happened to be in San Francisco interning when I needed surgery from my San Francisco surgeon...

Kind of makes me feel like I am suppose to do something important in life... because all these things don't "just happen"...

So ask yourself this... do you believe in coincidences? Do you believe that things just happen for no reason whatsoever? Or should you open up to the opportunities that come before you? Should you try not to be scared and head to that trip that may take your life in a completely different direction? Should you take risks knowing things may pan out or may not.... knowing that you may hit a dead end but you still tried?

The people I most admire take risks... they put themselves out there and grab on to whatever life has in store for them... I try and emulate them every day with everything I do, reminding myself that it's worth trying because it may be a new avenue in life that is exciting and prosperous...

And if it isn't?? OH WELL! You can say you tried...

Where is this going? You tell me... is it a coincidence you are reading this right now? Or does everything happen for a reason?

Funny things about being an amputee

It's been 3 years since I lost my leg... not a sad thing for me, but people still seem to feel sorry for me. DON'T! haha my life is so much better without it! I would have never met the people I have met, heard stories I have heard, and found a new sort of twisted humor out of it all...

Some of the things I would never thought I would say in my life:

"Hold on let me put my leg on"

"My feet are cold...I mean foot"

 "My feet hurt...I mean foot"

"My feet are wet...I mean foot"

"It's my leg corner!"

"My hydraulics are squeaky" 

"Hold on, have to charge my leg"

"EFF my leg just died!"

"Tattoo my leg, I'll be back for it later"

"I have to get my leg calibrated"

"My leg guy just called me"

"There are three dismembered feet on my bedroom floor right now..."

Some of the things I would never thought I would have heard in my life:

"If I were you and lost my leg I think I would have killed myself" (wtf?!)

"MOM WHERE DID HER LEG GO?!"

"MOM SHE HAS A REALLY SMALL LEG!"

"MOM LOOOOK" (frantically pointing at me)

"MOM SHE HAS A ROBOT LEG!"

(Man) "Did you break your leg?" (7 yr old cousin) "NO SHE DOESN'T HAVE ONE!!"

(if you haven't been able to tell children like to yell)

"Did a shark eat your leg?!"

"Thank you for your service" "I am not a Vet"...awkward silence

Some things people say to me not realizing my leg is missing (AKA awkward central) then I have to explain my leg is not THERE:

"Did you tear your ACL?"

 (apparently the most common knee injury. I hear this ALOT)

"What happened to your knee?"

"Your knee looks out of place"

"Your knee looks weird"

(walk up to cashier with crutches) "Oh did you break your ankle?"

 (I always imagine their face when I walk away...I get embarrassed for them)

And a lot more of how did you break/hurt your ankle/knee...stop being so nosy people! You make yourself look stupid!

There are a ton of jokes that I never thought I would make but that will have to be in another blog because there are plain just too many...

I never take anything serious from people about missing my leg and I just decide to find it all amusing... even the rude comments. 

Why not, right? :)

 

A Different World...

Before I had cancer my life was pretty vanilla cookie cutter. It's a really strange world now that I am a minority... Even though I am not in a wheelchair I think of my friends that have a really difficult time accessing buildings, pools, houses etc...I also really notice if someone illegally takes a handicap spot...Karma is going to get you if you illegally take a handicap spot...just saying... 

That being said, I get GLARED at when seen taking a handicap spot... that is until they see me get out of my car, look down and sheepishly look away... Not only is it unusual to be missing a limb it is more unusual to be a young person missing a limb and even MORE unusual to be a young female missing a limb... 

Therefore there is not a day goes by that I don't get stared at... I have grown to live with the stares and the comments...but some days I just wish I had a rest from it... 

A rest from little kids pointing, saying "mommy look!" and their mothers telling them to shut up...a rest from "oh did your hurt your ankle...oh"...a rest from "how did you lose your leg"...a rest from awkwardly explaining to someone that I was never in the service after they have just thanked me...

 There are not many days where I feel like that because for the most part I have accepted that this is a part of my life and that people will never changed...human nature is so strange... 

 I have a new story every day of something funny/interesting/stupid/rude that someone has done towards me...I know my friends love my stories haha... 

All in all it's going to be a strange/interesting life for me for a very long time...and it will be a completely different world for me than it was 3 years ago... 

 C'est La Vie!

Dance is Life

 

Dance was a huge part of my life for so so long... it still is... 

I have found my place in the world but sometimes I feel like I am missing something... 

 I have been so lucky to find a disabled dance group and found so many great friends through this... but it's so hard to find a way or time to be able to keep the momentum from that life changing week... 

So what do we do when we feel like we have lost momentum? 

Forget about it? Dwell in the past? Try harder? Find a new way? 

Surf has helped me feel centered like dance has. But dance is where I can let my emotions go...and I feel stifled without it... 

 I usually have some sort of resolve...but I don't feel any resolution... just frustration...unsure what to do...

Year 6

Since 2006 Valentine's day hasn't really been a love celebration, it's been a reminder of the beginning of my long and crazy journey...

You can't help but think of those milestones when the anniversary comes...

6 years ago today I was getting out of my first of many huge, life changing surgeries...

I didn't know if I was going to wake up and not have a leg. And that, terrified me...

I am reminded of my last and hopefully final life changing surgery that happened 2 years ago...

As I am brought into the cold surgery room, I am told to curl into a ball so they can start the epidural. I cling to my knee and look at my other leg, frantically wiggling my toes, knowing I will never see that leg again... Holding back tears... The numbness takes over and I know I will never feel that leg again...

They lay me back and cover my body with blankets. They insert the spots where your arms rest into the surgery bed which make it form some sort of unholy cross. I can see them lifting my leg and covering it with orange iodine, getting the tourniquet ready, and started going over the technicalities...

"Courtney Wilson, amputation of the left leg...." For some reason I am still awake and now so many things are rushing in my head... The sound of the man that is going to take my leg off saying my name and what he is going to do makes it impossible to hold back tears... my arms are strapped down so I can't even brush them from my face...

The nurse next to me sees that I am awake and crying asks for me to be put under... she takes off her sterile glove, touches my face, and wipes my tears away...

That's the last thing I remember...And I will never forget it...

These moments define you...these moments remind you of a time that you may want to forget... but these moments are what make you, you...

New Year...

So this is the new year, And i don't feel any different. The clanking of crystal, Explosions off in the distance.

So this is the new year, And I have no resolutions. For self assigned penance, For problems with easy solutions

I wish the world was flat like the old days, Then i could travel just by folding a map.
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways, There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

-Death Cab For Cutie

Music has always been an integral part of my life ever since I was little. And as the New Year comes about to a year that many people believe will be their last, I contemplate my own mortality and the times when life has contemplated the future of my mortality.

This song reminds me that we all have it really simple... we have problems with easy solutions. And the people who don't have the luxury of these solutions are pondering their childhood, a simpler time. When everything made sense and was easy, no distractions, no hard decisions...

I come to a point in my life that I haven't been able to get past: my 3 year mark with no cancer. And as this point in my life comes (and hopefully passes by) my true resolution is to live life to the fullest. Because there are people in the world and in my life that don't have that privilege.

So let's make this year simple like in the old days and resolve to live life to the fullest. You never know when it's your last day, well maybe for some it's 12/21/12 haha. So why don't we listen to those Mayans and at least pretend this is our last year on earth.

Go live life like you have always wanted.

Veterans Day

I share a memorable day with veterans: 11/11, the day I found out I had cancer for the first time.

Like most veterans my life was never the same again...for a while it was not for the better, but things got there, always in time.

I have met so many amazing men who have lost a piece of themselves in one way or another for our country. It amazes me that every single one of them are still so incredibly patriotic even after their injuries...

This last AmpSurf clinic I looked around, as a blind girl sang The National Anthem, these men with missing limbs, replaced pieces of their body and lost pieces of their brains stood in salute, so incredibly proud to have fought for this country... where is our patriotism?

I recall a man I met that was a vet in the Vietnam war...He said it took 20 years for someone to even THANK him for what he did for our country...what is wrong with us?

After I met this man, I met another man at an amputee conference. He had told me he was a Vietnam vet and that he had lost his leg from an old land mine. I recalled the first man and made a point to thank him and shake his hand before I said goodbye...I think it was the first time he had heard those words because his eyes welled up with tears...I turned and walked away and the thought in my head was: 37 years without a thank you...How?

Thank the vets and currently serving men and women. No matter how young or old. They have made incredible sacrifices for us to be free and be able to have the rights and say in the world we live in. We are all so incredibly blessed to have people like this in our country...

Wednesday Dance

Half of the journey is how you get there... wow those words have not impacted me more than today...

We had a group discussion today for our halfway point. We talked about what made us happy, what was challenging, and what we thought the first day as opposed to now. But one thing was seared into my brain and could not have applied more to my own life than this...

On our exercises we have to travel across this huge floor, I find it tiring, and challenging especially when we are suppose to rush. Whenever I think of rush I think of running, but I am always afraid of falling flat on my face.

During our discussion B. stated something that just clicked in my head not only for this week but my WHOLE life, at least the past 7 years of my life. With a tear in their eye "I am so terrified of traveling, how am I suppose to get across this HUGE room?" With that statement I don't think there was a dry eye in the room...

It made me start thinking about my life, all these people in the rooms' lives...

I know there have been points in all of our lives where we are TERRIFIED to keep moving because what is coming next may not be what we expected, what we wanted, what we imagined for our lives...

But somehow we just kept moving, terrified or not, we put on a brave face, maybe act like nothing is wrong and just keep...moving...

I try and imagine how it would be to be these other dis/abled people, and even though I have been through a lot, they have probably gone through much more... I am amazed by everyone in the group...

And I know we all relate because in spite of all that was against us, disabled or otherwise...

WE. KEPT. MOVING.




JUST. KEEP. MOVING.

Tuesday Dance

SO SORE! Good sore...

So as normal as this sounds to the rest of you, I was able to almost run today. In the confusion of "rushing and resolving" and getting so involved with the other dancers I realized that I was ACTUALLY rushing... it's more of a hop-bound movement but it is still moving faster than I have moved in 7 years... Invigorating...

Today was full of peace, laughter, inspiration, seriousness, discussion...It's like we have all been friends for ages...

I find myself getting enthralled watching N. the blind girl understanding the movement given to her by just the description that the teacher is giving...

Every person, abled or otherwise is pushing themselves, growing, inspiring, understanding, creating...

It's only Tuesday and the chemistry within our group is amazing.

Monday Dance

This week was the beginning of something big. My eyes have already been opened and it's only Monday...

Today started out with learning the technique and the warm up skills we will be using for the rest of the week. And the thing I noticed the most was not only my own adaptation to the movement but everyone else. Whether they be crazy good dancers who take the movements to the extreme, or the differently abeled who can only move their arms.

Everyone was united by dance...someone today told me "if you can breath you can dance" I believe they were quoting a teacher of theirs...

The whole experience dissolved the stigma of disability and everyone was just a dancer interpreting their movements in their own way. I was truly inspired by how different we are and that we can be united so instantly...

We moved on to choreographing movements to describe objects which in turn brought duets we then performed for the group. That in itself was interesting to see how someone interprets a rock, or a basket, or a stapler... crazy beautiful

Towards the end of the day we had an open contact improvisation. I was transfixed by some of the people, how they fully trusted each other and were so comfortable with the proximity to each other. I honestly at some points felt like they were performing a choreographed piece, but it was all improv.

This is something I am going to have to work at... I don't feel comfortable enough yet to even move freely when there is another body next to me. Part uncertainty, part inexperience, part fear... all I need to get over by this week.

That is my goal... to let go...something I need to do with a lot of pieces of my life...maybe this will be the beginning...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKcsKXTzd4s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpTc605QQUM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v​=iKn5AbJd4CM&feature=youtube_g​data_player