C'est La Vie

Year 6

2012-02-14T21:52:00.000-08:00

Since 2006 Valentine's day hasn't really been a love celebration, it's been a reminder of the beginning of my long and crazy journey...

You can't help but think of those milestones when the anniversary comes...

6 years ago today I was getting out of my first of many huge, life changing surgeries...

I didn't know if I was going to wake up and not have a leg. And that, terrified me...

I am reminded of my last and hopefully final life changing surgery that happened 2 years ago...

As I am brought into the cold surgery room, I am told to curl into a ball so they can start the epidural. I cling to my knee and look at my other leg, frantically wiggling my toes, knowing I will never see that leg again... Holding back tears... The numbness takes over and I know I will never feel that leg again...

They lay me back and cover my body with blankets. They insert the spots where your arms rest into the surgery bed which make it form some sort of unholy cross. I can see them lifting my leg and covering it with orange iodine, getting the tourniquet ready, and started going over the technicalities...

"Courtney Wilson, amputation of the left leg...." For some reason I am still awake and now so many things are rushing in my head... The sound of the man that is going to take my leg off saying my name and what he is going to do makes it impossible to hold back tears... my arms are strapped down so I can't even brush them from my face...

The nurse next to me sees that I am awake and crying asks for me to be put under... she takes off her sterile glove, touches my face, and wipes my tears away...

That's the last thing I remember...And I will never forget it...

These moments define you...these moments remind you of a time that you may want to forget... but these moments are what make you, you...

New Year...

2011-12-30T23:05:00.000-08:00

So this is the new year, And i don't feel any different. The clanking of crystal, Explosions off in the distance.

So this is the new year, And I have no resolutions. For self assigned penance, For problems with easy solutions

I wish the world was flat like the old days, Then i could travel just by folding a map.
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways, There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

-Death Cab For Cutie

Music has always been an integral part of my life ever since I was little. And as the New Year comes about to a year that many people believe will be their last, I contemplate my own mortality and the times when life has contemplated the future of my mortality.

This song reminds me that we all have it really simple... we have problems with easy solutions. And the people who don't have the luxury of these solutions are pondering their childhood, a simpler time. When everything made sense and was easy, no distractions, no hard decisions...

I come to a point in my life that I haven't been able to get past: my 3 year mark with no cancer. And as this point in my life comes (and hopefully passes by) my true resolution is to live life to the fullest. Because there are people in the world and in my life that don't have that privilege.

So let's make this year simple like in the old days and resolve to live life to the fullest. You never know when it's your last day, well maybe for some it's 12/21/12 haha. So why don't we listen to those Mayans and at least pretend this is our last year on earth.

Go live life like you have always wanted.

Veterans Day

2011-11-07T20:41:00.000-08:00

I share a memorable day with veterans: 11/11, the day I found out I had cancer for the first time.

Like most veterans my life was never the same again...for a while it was not for the better, but things got there, always in time.

I have met so many amazing men who have lost a piece of themselves in one way or another for our country. It amazes me that every single one of them are still so incredibly patriotic even after their injuries...

This last AmpSurf clinic I looked around, as a blind girl sang The National Anthem, these men with missing limbs, replaced pieces of their body and lost pieces of their brains stood in salute, so incredibly proud to have fought for this country... where is our patriotism?

I recall a man I met that was a vet in the Vietnam war...He said it took 20 years for someone to even THANK him for what he did for our country...what is wrong with us?

After I met this man, I met another man at an amputee conference. He had told me he was a Vietnam vet and that he had lost his leg from an old land mine. I recalled the first man and made a point to thank him and shake his hand before I said goodbye...I think it was the first time he had heard those words because his eyes welled up with tears...I turned and walked away and the thought in my head was: 37 years without a thank you...How?

Thank the vets and currently serving men and women. No matter how young or old. They have made incredible sacrifices for us to be free and be able to have the rights and say in the world we live in. We are all so incredibly blessed to have people like this in our country...

Wednesday Dance

2011-08-03T23:04:00.000-07:00

Half of the journey is how you get there... wow those words have not impacted me more than today...

We had a group discussion today for our halfway point. We talked about what made us happy, what was challenging, and what we thought the first day as opposed to now. But one thing was seared into my brain and could not have applied more to my own life than this...

On our exercises we have to travel across this huge floor, I find it tiring, and challenging especially when we are suppose to rush. Whenever I think of rush I think of running, but I am always afraid of falling flat on my face.

During our discussion B. stated something that just clicked in my head not only for this week but my WHOLE life, at least the past 7 years of my life. With a tear in their eye "I am so terrified of traveling, how am I suppose to get across this HUGE room?" With that statement I don't think there was a dry eye in the room...

It made me start thinking about my life, all these people in the rooms' lives...

I know there have been points in all of our lives where we are TERRIFIED to keep moving because what is coming next may not be what we expected, what we wanted, what we imagined for our lives...

But somehow we just kept moving, terrified or not, we put on a brave face, maybe act like nothing is wrong and just keep...moving...

I try and imagine how it would be to be these other dis/abled people, and even though I have been through a lot, they have probably gone through much more... I am amazed by everyone in the group...

And I know we all relate because in spite of all that was against us, disabled or otherwise...

WE. KEPT. MOVING.

JUST. KEEP. MOVING.

Tuesday Dance

2011-08-02T23:31:00.001-07:00

SO SORE! Good sore...

So as normal as this sounds to the rest of you, I was able to almost run today. In the confusion of "rushing and resolving" and getting so involved with the other dancers I realized that I was ACTUALLY rushing... it's more of a hop-bound movement but it is still moving faster than I have moved in 7 years... Invigorating...

Today was full of peace, laughter, inspiration, seriousness, discussion...It's like we have all been friends for ages...

I find myself getting enthralled watching N. the blind girl understanding the movement given to her by just the description that the teacher is giving...

Every person, abled or otherwise is pushing themselves, growing, inspiring, understanding, creating...

It's only Tuesday and the chemistry within our group is amazing.

Monday Dance

2011-08-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

This week was the beginning of something big. My eyes have already been opened and it's only Monday...

Today started out with learning the technique and the warm up skills we will be using for the rest of the week. And the thing I noticed the most was not only my own adaptation to the movement but everyone else. Whether they be crazy good dancers who take the movements to the extreme, or the differently abeled who can only move their arms.

Everyone was united by dance...someone today told me "if you can breath you can dance" I believe they were quoting a teacher of theirs...

The whole experience dissolved the stigma of disability and everyone was just a dancer interpreting their movements in their own way. I was truly inspired by how different we are and that we can be united so instantly...

We moved on to choreographing movements to describe objects which in turn brought duets we then performed for the group. That in itself was interesting to see how someone interprets a rock, or a basket, or a stapler... crazy beautiful

Towards the end of the day we had an open contact improvisation. I was transfixed by some of the people, how they fully trusted each other and were so comfortable with the proximity to each other. I honestly at some points felt like they were performing a choreographed piece, but it was all improv.

This is something I am going to have to work at... I don't feel comfortable enough yet to even move freely when there is another body next to me. Part uncertainty, part inexperience, part fear... all I need to get over by this week.

That is my goal... to let go...something I need to do with a lot of pieces of my life...maybe this will be the beginning...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKcsKXTzd4s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpTc605QQUM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKn5AbJd4CM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The Ocean...

2011-07-12T23:29:00.000-07:00

These past couple months have been pretty rocky and after this weekend I can't believe how much the ocean can heal you.

Physically it can heal your small wounds that have taken a while to fix themselves. The ocean can help you to be more fit, in tern helping you to live longer. The cold ocean may numb the pain you may have from a part of your body that is aching or hurt.

But what about emotionally? I had never been able to REALLY stand up because surfing is hard enough with one leg you can't really stand higher than your opposite hand can reach. And until this weekend I hadn't experienced it. With help from my prosthetist and tweaking after the first failure in June, I was able to have a surf leg on.

Imagine paddling out into this mass of water, watching these waves come at you.

Some times you miss the break and have a fun ride over the waves.

Some times you have to race to keep the wave from breaking right on top of you.

And some times you have no choice but to hang on for dear life and let that wave crash right on you...and in this moment you feel the wave take control...There are times when you are able to hang on to the board and come up and keep paddling. Other times the wave takes control and you lose your board...

My life has been feeling like the latter...

But Saturday, I took that wave head on physically. I made it through, turned around, and with the help of some awesome people I got my wave. It felt like an accomplishment that I didn't know I had been waiting for. And in this physical accomplishment I made an emotional one too. There are no words to describe how I felt as I got off the board, turned around and headed back into those waves...

Out of all the SHIT that happens, good things come out of it. These past 6 years of my life have been crazy and unpredictable and I say it ALL THE TIME but I never thought I would be doing what I am doing with my life let alone STANDING and surfing...

As I headed back into those waves there were a lot of things going through my head...the most important was the overwhelming emotion that I did it...I got over EVERYTHING that has happened to me these years...cancer, death, amputation, heartbreak, frustrations, insecurities...and I just LIVED...

And as I now glide over the break physically and emotionally I know that I will get crashed on again, and I know that I will get thrown off my board, but I also know I will have others to be there for me when I pop my head back up...

"The Ocean" the bravery

I climbed up a mountain, and looked off the edge
At all of the lives that I never have led
There's one where I stayed with you across the sea
I wonder do you still think of me
I carry your image always in my head
Folded and yellowed and torn at the edge
And I've looked upon it for so many years
Slowly I am loosing your face

Oh the ocean rolls us away, away, away
The ocean rolls us away

Sixes and sevens we live on jet planes
So many faces I don't know the names
So many friends now and none of them mine
Forgotten as soon as we meet
All of these moments are lost in time
You're caught in my head like a thorn on a vine
To forever torment me and I wonder why
Do I wish I'd never known you at all

Oh the ocean rolls us away, away, away
The ocean rolls us away

The sun and the moon
An ocean of air
So many voices
But nothing is there
The ghost of you asking me why
Why did I leave

Oh the ocean rolls us away away away

And I lose your hand through the waves

New life, New problems

2011-06-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

2 years have passed since my amputation and a lot of things have changed. Mostly for the better, but some for the worse.

Summers suck because you want to just wear shorts, but your leg still can't breath... And if I don't wear my leg that meant I have to walk around with crutches (which is scary around the pool because I have a bigger chance of slipping).

Not to mention the rashes and calluses formed by the heat and wear...

But those things are nothing compared to the discrimination I have been experiencing in the last 2 years... This is definitely new to me since I am a white female in California, but now I am a part of the minority too, a disabled young person... someone has to say it, discrimination is still alive and well...

I have been getting glares when I park in the handicap spot, I feel like I am being judged as I walk into Target by people trying to see what my disability is. I feel like I have to limp extra or wear shorts all the time... Just because I am young doesn't mean I don't need a spot...

And I hate to say it, but I am feeling it in the job market...Not the place I work now... They won't even give me the chance or the benefit of the doubt before deciding my disability is not worth the hassle they think will be ensued on them if they employ me...it's frustrating...

I realize now that these new hassles will be a part of my life, but I never thought in the 21st century and this would still be going on...

I guess it will make life more interesting!

People! If the person is qualified, hire them! It's just as much discrimination against a qualified disabled person as it is a qualified African American...remember that!

Heart of Gold

2011-03-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

My friend Juliana:

Kind hearted, always there for you, awesome friend, awesome wife, awesome mother, great daughter, the strongest person I have ever met.

Although we have never met in person, she is one of my closest friends.

We have known each other through the bad: Cancer, family death, more cancer, new illnesses...

And the good: Graduation, marriage, being engaged, becoming a parent, celebrating our lives after cancer...

And now Jules is seriously sick. How can this happen to such an awesome woman who deserves the world!? I am heartbroken that this is happening to her...

She has gone through more than 5 lifetimes of suffering and it keeps coming...

I think about her and John and Johnny every day and pray that she gets better so that one day she can be as energetic and happy as she was before this illness. So that she can play with her son, so that she can go on a date with her husband, so that she can get her life back...

But somehow she stays strong, if not only for herself but for those around her. She keeps a positive outlook even though the glass may not even be close to half full. She is my inspiration, she is the reason I have a positive outlook on my life, she is the reason I live my life to the fullest. If not for myself then for her.

Love you Jules, you deserve the life of a movie star (Demi Moore not Charlie Sheen haha), You deserve the life that most people take for granted...

Who...A year later...

2011-03-01T23:29:00.000-08:00

http://courtneydawnw.blogspot.com/2010/02/who.html

This blog is in reference to a blog I did almost exactly a year ago...

Since then I have done a lot of things in my life...

Soon after I started surfing with Amp Surf, which changed my life so much. I feel like I can do anything.

I cameod on a few TV shows and Movies... Which was something I never expected.

I got to photograph some awesome actors like Kirk Douglas and Harrison Ford.

I met some of the most amazing people at the amputee conference, which was completely humbling.

I graduated with a bachelors from Brooks in Santa Barbara.

I got engaged that same weekend.

My fiancee' went into the army.

I am starting my career and my life....my whole life is ahead of me...

But as a cancer survivor, I will always have those nagging feelings in the back of my head every time I step into the blood lab or radiology...what if this is the day that my life gets flipped upside down...yet again...

But who am I?

I have not felt lost in the past year, and even though there is less of me, I feel whole...

I NEVER imagined my life would be this way, but that's OK...

My life has been harder than most, but I feel like a better human being because of it. And I know that I am stronger for it...

I now ROCK the shorts and find every opportunity to wear them...Stare at me all you want, I am going to stay confident. Even if you ARE rudely gawking...

And I cannot get away from the fact that I am an amputee. People will remember me first as the girl with one leg, then second as anything else. I have been told that I inspire people...somehow I inspire people by just walking through the farmers market...I will never be seen as anything else, but that's OK. Because as crazy as it sounds, if I can help one person in any way feel better about their own lives then it was worth the pain and suffering to get where I am.

So who am I?
I am one year older, I am still a 2x cancer survivor, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, amputee, photographer, dancer, choreographer, artist, American, Californian, Christian, musician.

I will be forever changed by what has happened to me and now, a year later, I am OK with it because I KNOW I am where I am suppose to be in life.

Would I change my life if I could? No chance in hell. I am happy, and I have been given opportunities I NEVER would have had with 2 legs.

I KNOW EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Courtney Dawn Photography
www.courtneydawnphotography.com

Now that's awkward...

2011-02-21T09:48:00.000-08:00

Everyone hates awkward moments... especially with strangers. If you have an awkward moment with a friend or family you can always joke it away and you know they won't take it the wrong way or not get your joke. But with strangers there is no good way to get out of an awkward situation.

This has been especially apparent with me since my amputation. And only when I am walking around on crutches not with my prosthetic (because that is understandable if someone doesn't know).

This is how scenario one goes:

I am walking with crutches (usually up to a cash register or something where the other person is unable to see I am legless).

Cashier: "Oh did you hurt your ankle?" (ps. why is it always your ankle? does the rest of your leg just not get hurt?)

Me: "Uhmm...(awkward laugh) no" then once you walk away they will see you are legless and then feel bad.

OR

Me: "actually I had to have my leg amputated"
Cashier: "oh I am so sorry!" Then they proceed to apologize and they feel bad.

How do you avoid making them feel bad? There is NO good way to get out of this situation without making them feel bad and making you feel awkward because you know they will end up feeling bad.

Scenario 2:

The person is oblivious and is standing right in front of you and asks "Oh what happened". That's when I just say "really????... really." Then they feel stupid when they realize that they are idiots. Those situations I don't feel bad or awkward because they just are not observant AT ALL.

And even if you are not legless who EVER wants to tell a stranger how they hurt themselves? When has it ever been a memory you want to relive? Why are people so nosy/curious?

MORAL OF THE STORY PEOPLE: CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT...or if it doesn't kill your furry friend maybe it will kill your curiosity from now on.

Not saying goodbye...It's see you later

2011-01-16T12:38:00.000-08:00

Last full day with Chris before he leaves for the Army. I am sure it's going to be hard for both of us...

But, we have made it through worse...

Long distance relationship for 2.5 of the 3.5 years we have dated...Cancer...Amputation...All the crap that goes with these things...and now we can add to the list the Army. If we have made it so far, I know we can make it through this...

This next year is going to be crazy for the both of us. Both of us starting our careers, changing our lives for the better, staying together through it all even though it means being states away for a while...

I never imagined my life would be this way...That should be my quote for my whole damn life...But this time I am saying it for a happy reason...

I never believed it before I met him, but love truly conquers all...

We are all crippled in some way...

2010-11-30T14:11:00.000-08:00

Wow, I don't know how I haven't seen his paintings before... Andrew Wyeth. His paintings could be mistaken for photographs.

His use of simplicity is so inspiring to me. In the world where we keep adding on to things on a line between stylish and gaughty, the simplicity is so refreshing.

This painting spoke worlds to me even before I knew the story...

Christina's World

A story that was all too familiar in the 30's and 40's, polio. Christina was stricken with this disease and confined to this house in the photo. The painting is a mixture of feelings, truimph, sadness, hopelessness, helplessness...

This makes me think of all the people I have met this last year, what a crazy year it has been.

The definition of disabled is incapable of functioning.

I have heard so many times how people feel sorry for them, these "disabled" people. They feel as if the "disabled" have even a stray hair they have to help them because they can't help themselves... Boy do they have it wrong. They are more abled than most people.

Probably 90% of the people I have met and spoken to have said becoming disabled has made them better people. They are the happiest they have ever been in their lives.

Maybe because they know who they are now? Maybe they realized what is important in life? Maybe they realized life is too damn short to be angry or sad or disappointed about little things?

It makes me wonder if these people are happier than some "normal" people? If so, then in a way these normal people are emotionally disabled. Meaning they can't get past the little things that shouldn't matter as much as they do. They are incapable of functioning any other way.

In a way, we are all disabled...It's how we handle these "disabilities" that shows if we are going to stay truly disabled...

The tree of life...

2010-10-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

All of my life I have been surrounded by beautiful big walnut trees.

All of them will be obliterated and turned into electricity before December...

When I was young it was my orchard of imagination.

It was where me and my favorite dog Brandy would run and play hiding under the shade of those trees.

It was my childhood...

I guess it's kind of poetic, symbolic...

I am graduating from college, moving on to the next part of my life...

With that goes my childhood...

Everything has to come to and end...

It's just sad when it does...

Courtney Dawn Photography

Courtneydawnphotography.com

A Basket of Strawberries: $2.00...

2010-09-30T22:37:00.001-07:00

Getting them on my own two "feet": priceless...

It's been a year since I got my leg and I have to tell you I was worried about the outcome.

A year later my "disability" has brought me more opportunities than I would have ever gotten as an "normal" person...

Surfing, movies, TV shows, the awesome people I have met, the person that I am today...

All of this and more would have never been brought to me without all the crap that had to happen to me before...

5 years of hell to have a more fulfilling life. Who would have guessed? Definitely not me...

If I could have shown my life to the younger, balder, skinnier, very unhappy, cancer ridden version of myself, I think I would have had a lot less hard, dark days...

I know it's strange to everyone that I say I wouldn't change anything that happened to me in those 5 years. But I feel like my life is better for it. My appreciation of life (or lack of it) will never be like it was before.

I feel that I am much more happy than the people who give me the "oh poor you" look (which I hate by the way).

The more I live the more it proves to me that everything happens for a reason...

Completely Humbled...

2010-08-30T20:53:00.000-07:00

What a weekend...

I've been in Irvine for the amputee conference for the past 4 days and it was definitely an experience just meeting everyone and hearing their stories. (I felt like my story was boring compared to theirs!)

From motorcycle accidents, to car accidents, helicopter accidents, power line accidents, land mines, cancer, congenital, train accidents, combat, infection, diabetes, flesh eating disease, meningitis, doctor error and I am sure there is more... Everyone's story was different and equally almost unbelievable.

I did not meet one person that was not making lemonade out of lemons in one way or the other. Makes you see how awesome, real, and nice all these people are. Everyone has been in somewhat life threatening situations in one way or the other so most have the same philosophy in life... It's too short and you have to make your life worth it and live it to the fullest. Even if it means just following your dreams that before may have seemed impossible...

I think everyone could learn from most amputees. I definitely did... I wish I would have been able to go to this sooner. Maybe it would have stopped my whining about my leg and my frustration over stupid stuff that goes along with it. People always say "someone somewhere always has it worse than you" but that doesn't mean anything until you MEET that person or people.

Even if they do have it worse than me they are definitely not leading on to it. This made me realize a lot about myself...

Definitely glad I went this weekend....

A little reminder of what I have lost... Learning from this weekend. It's time to move on...

Courtney Dawn Photography

These are a few of my favorite things part deux

2010-08-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

Once again, no we are not dancing around in a gazebo with some German boy singing about our age. Its a list of funny, weird, annoying observations I have made in my life here in Santa Barbara.

Why the hell isn't this here when I need it????:

1. Why do we allow a nasty Kmart while Target has empty land just uglying up the area because the county won't let them build???

2. This is probably everywhere but why the hell does Bed Bath and BEYOND not carry bar soap????? You can't go beyond if you don't even have the bath yet!!! Why does Adam Sandler get a frickin' time changing remote and I can't even get bar soap???

3. Why do grocery stores not carry funnels???

4. All the gyms close at 11 or 12!!! and on weekend they close at 8! How am I suppose to be able to go? Everywhere else but here is 24 hours in some place in the vicinity.
Seems like the logical places never have what I need...

hello! weirdness has entered the building!!!!

1. They are giving out TEQUILA shots in the grocery store in the middle of the day...you have to show your ID and everything!!! Are we condoning drinking and driving now? Nope, now its drinking and grocery shopping. Why the hell would Albertsons give out alcohol like its a bacon wrapped sausages???

2. Crazy old lady randomly turn around and walk up to me and my friends and say "how would you feel if you were forced to retire after 40 years of teaching?"... and then turn around and walk away...WHAAAA? We are still puzzled by that moment.

3. If you are SHAKING profusely, cannot even read the GIANT numbers on the gas pump, and are oblivious to your children RUNNING around the gas station, you probably should not be allowed to drive...just sayin'

TOURISTS... I'm gunna kill 'em

1. Going the WRONG way on a one way street. I know you are in a different city but there are SIGNS people!

2. If the walk/don't walk sign has a big RED hand that means DON'T WALK!!!! cars have to be able to drive people!!!!

3. There is never ANY parking!!!!

4. Don't stop in the middle of the friggen street to take a picture!!! jeez tourists and traffic just don't mix I guess...

Holidays

1. FIESTA: basically a mexican version of st patty's day...where you drink like hell and throw at anyone and everyone plastic eggs full of confetti (that if they stay on your skin long enough stain your skin whatever color the confetti is, I found that out when my friend threw an egg down my dress). it is also the holiday where bars have to post a sign saying "NO mariacci bands". weirdly enough I think its bigger than cinco de mayo.

2. St patrick's day... DO NOT expect to get into ANY bar that is even CLOSE to irish (even the english bars) they are FULL and there is a line around the building to get in. basically a typical st pattys day full of green and drinking things that are green.

3.Haloween: Don't expect to get anywhere near IV unless you are a resident. even then you have to show proof you live in IV. There are THOUSANDS of people that come to UCSB just for Haloween. its a day where girls dress like sluts and guys love it. Don't go to sb if your claustrophobic. (ps: this pic is actual IV on haloween)

ahh I know I will miss the antics of SB when I am gone, but I am sure every town has crazy stuff happening....I love/hate you SB!!!

These are a few of my favorite things...

2010-08-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

No we are not singing as we climb over the green hills to get away from the Nazis. This is a list of some of my favorite (or maybe not so favorite) things about Santa Barbara and the people in them...

WEIRD/HOMELESS PEOPLE (not always one in the same):
(I have to admit its entertaining most of the time...)

1. An old man mumbling, then yelling out "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" then mumbling again in the middle of Starbucks...and he only gets a glance from everyone in there. Then walks out in the pouring rain wearing bermuda shorts mumbling to himself all the way home.

2. A guy walking into Albertsons dressed in a bright yellow rain suit (hat and all) like he's the Gorton's fisherman... Did I mention it had only been sprinkling the whole day?

3. The only place where you will see a rat riding a cat riding a dog.

4. Homeless people give each other "knowing" glances as they pass each other on the street like they are in their own special club.

5. Homeless people are out on State street 12 months out of the year. And since there is "competition" they have to get creative in order to get money. Like: "fishing for money" (cup attached to a "fishing pole") or "I want beer", that one always makes me laugh, OR my FAVORITE "hey do you want my fries?" "NO"...WTF!? homeless guy's getting greedy!!!

I could go on forever about homeless people...

DRIVING:
(UGH)

1. If a cloud even lets out ONE drop of rain, DO NOT even think about driving faster than 45 on the freeway. OK guys, just because it only rains 2 times a year does not mean that you all the sudden have forgotten how to drive.

2. Even if it's not raining, there will still be some idiot IN THE FAST LANE going 45...I am not even exaggerating, it happened a couple weeks ago.

3. In Isla Vista (where UCSB is) if you are driving a car, do not expect to get anywhere very fast. Bicycles EVERYWHERE, and they don't give a shit if you are in a car. And apparently pedestrians feel the same way because a guy WALTZED in front of my car, I had to slam on my breaks, he casually looks at me and then keeps walking. Every time I go over there I feel like I am in a different universe...

4. If you ever drive down State street do NOT expect to turn left...EVER...for some magical reason it's only allowed on Sundays...AND I HATE trying to turn right during tourist season, all the pedestrians make it impossible!!!

5. And my personal pet peeve (its only in my condo complex) I HATE SPEED BUMPS!!! every 10 feet there is a f'ing speed bump. And I am at the end!!! I think I have to go over about 10 to 15 speed bumps just to get to my house!

QUIRKY:
(;D)

1. Wherever you go, dogs are allowed. I have seen a person bring their dog into a restaurant and no one even gave a second glance.

2. We are literally two miles from the beach and they won't let us into the club because someone is wearing shorts....uhhhhh whaaa?

3. It is a JOURNEY to find fast food places. Almost all of them are in THE MOST difficult places to find.

4. There is a DISGUSTING Kmart but they refuse to put in a Target.

5. The closest Target, major restaurants (applebee's etc), and even Jamba Juice are an hour away.

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feeeeeel soooo baaaaaaaaad!

GAH! that song was playing over and over in my head the whole time I was writing this!

Anyways, I am sure there is more so there may be a part two later on. Life is good, and is starting to get back into place. I am where I am suppose to be and definitely happy to be here.

I wonder what's next...

2010-07-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

As my college days come to an end I am constantly wondering what will happen next...

I guess that's the scariest part of change, you have NO idea what will happen...

Will I find a job? Will people like my work? Where am I moving? Will I be successful? Will I be close to Chris wherever he is stationed? Will he be successful? Will he change a lot after being in the army? And if so, for better or for worse? Will people discriminate against me because they think I can't do the work?

These questions are always swimming around in my mind and I don't know how to sift through them...

I should know more than anyone that whatever happens will happen but it doesn't mean I can keep my mind off the what ifs.

I think I need to learn to meditate to keep me less stressed about the future...

I feel like I need to prove myself...I've gone through so much shit I feel like I need to redeem myself in order to make all the suffering I went through worth it...

One year ago...

2010-06-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

Feels like ten years ago...

One year ago;

I was trying to recover from the hardest surgery I have ever had.
I was trying not to fall apart.
I was living with my parents.
I had to quit school.
I was preparing for another bout of chemo.
I was stuck in bed.
I was unsure about my life.

Today;
I am recovering from a weekend in Vegas.
I am living life to the fullest.
I am living in Santa Barbara.
I am getting my career started.
I am preparing for my bachelors in October.
I am Surfing.
I have my whole life ahead of me.

What a difference a year can make...what a crazy year...

Thank you all who have been there for me through this year...

Especially my boyfriend who never left my side, never slept in order to take care of me, always knew what to say to make me feel better, always knew what to say to snap me out of depression. I think I would have fallen apart it without you.

I think I found that light everyone has been talking about...

I HEART Surfing!

2010-05-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

Photo by Ashley Thomas

I just started surfing in March, and I gotta tell you I am HOOKED. If I could I would probably go every day there is good surf.

Ampsurf.org

An awesome group that I found that helps amputees and other disabled people how to surf. The greatest group of people ever. Anyone can come, I MEAN anyone. There are many amputees, mostly below the knee, then there are a few above the knees, people who never thought they would walk again, blind, paraplegic, spinal injury, brain injury.

And they all probably doubted us when we first told people "I'm going surfing!".

I think that's one of the most satisfying parts about this all. Because you tell people you are going to go surf, and they have this huge doubt in their eyes. THEN: guess what guys??!! That picture up above is NOT photoshopped!!!

It gives you this great satisfaction: "If I can surf I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to".

Even though it was only the 3rd time I ever surfed, I was bound and determined to stand up that day. At first I was doubting myself, the first waves I took I was having a hard time just getting on my knee. But something happened, I honestly couldn't tell you what, but all the sudden I find myself going on all 3's, then keeping my hands on the board and getting on my foot, to standing up! I didn't think about it AT ALL, my body just decided it was going to do it. It was only for a split second before I fell off but it was so exciting. After that, every wave I took I stood up. (I stood up 4 times, 4!!!) I wanted to keep going but the surf session was ending and we had to come in.

I think about it, and if NONE of this happened, if I never had cancer, I honestly do not think I would have ever even TRIED or THOUGHT about trying to surf. Isn't that weird? It takes having something horrible happen to you in order for you to take risks and try something new...

I say for everyone that hasn't had something like that happen to them, try something new anyways! What have you got to lose???

(check out this video of Amp surf on CNN!!!)

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2010/05/13/dnt.heroes.dana.cummings.cnn

10 Months ago...

2010-04-18T01:16:00.000-07:00

Was it really that short of a time?

I was looking back at my old posts and it feels like that was YEARS ago... How does time do that??

Life seemed and was so shitty and hard and I didn't know how I was going to get through the day let alone the next 6 months after that...

I feel stupid feeling scared about saying it, but I feel like my life is falling back into place again...

Obviously things are different, my friends are graduating, and life is going to change AGAIN. But this time it will be in a good and exciting way...

I'm not sure where life is going to take me but I hope it's somewhere where I will be happy and doing what I love and being with the ones I love...

I am doing things I would have NEVER done before cancer came into my life. Like Surfing! It was so much fun, I have been told by many of the instructors that I am a natural. It makes me wonder how good I could have been before the cancer... Oh well, I am doing it now and that's all that matters...

It helps, because if I can SURF, I feel like I can do ANYTHING! Some of my friends can't even surf with their 2 legs (this sounds mean but it makes me feel good haha)

I feel like I curse myself when I say this, but I also feel like things are going to be different.

My life is falling into place. I know there will still be ups and downs but I get to LIVE my life now. Without pain holding me back, with less worry about cancer coming back, without restrictions...

Jigsaw falling into place
There is nothing to explain
Regard each other as you pass
She looks back, you look back
Not just once, not just twice

Wish away a nightmare, Wish away a nightmare
You got a light, you can feel it on your back
A light, you can feel it on your back
Jigsaw falling into place...

(Radiohead)

Feet, I mean Foot...

2010-04-13T23:23:00.000-07:00

I find it weird that things that I say and do now have to substantially change because I am now an amputee. It throws me off sometimes...

I have to catch myself when I say feet instead of foot:
"My feet hurt, I mean foot", "hey can you grab my shoes, I mean shoe", "I have to put one foot in front of the other...uhhh I guess I have to be really fast then", "I almost stood on the board with both feet...agh!". And THEN it changes when I have my leg on!!! Well, most of them...sometimes my other "foot" does hurt too.

That's another thing. When I am talking about phantom sensations I have to now put quotations around "knee" "foot" "leg" in order for it to make sense. And the phantom pains happen at the weirdest times... When I see someone get hurt on TV or whatever it makes my "leg" hurt. Sometimes if someone touches me lightly I get a stabbing pain in my "foot". Why the hell do our brains work so weird sometimes??? And for some reason I can always feel my "foot" whether its hurting or not. I find it all very puzzling.

Statements I never thought I would ever utter:
I need to take my leg off... Can you plug my leg in?... **fart** sorry that was my leg...no really, it was my leg... My leg needs to be calibrated again... Can you adjust my foot?... Sorry, I need to take my leg off before I get in the pool...

The things that I find amusing:
I don't really have to pair my socks because I use a thinner sock for my leg (I found myself wondering why my boyfriend brought out 2 socks for my friend to wear...that's how bad it has gotten haha). I have to put my pants then my shoes on the leg before I even put it on...too much of a pain in the ass to try and do after the fact. The foot on the leg is slightly too big so I have to spend a half hour sometimes just getting the damn shoe on (not so amusing). I have LUBE for my LEG! I get to sit down in the shower!!! I have built in hydrolics! My leg cost 4 times the amount of my car...yes I said four. People give me evil stares as I park in the handicap spot...then they feel bad when I get out of the car.

Children:
A little girl looked at my leg, looked at her own leg, then repeated the process about 3 more times. "what is different here...." I don't think she ever figured it out.
A little boy STARED at my leg in line at the grocery store, tugged as hard as he could on his dads' shirt, and said as he pointed "DAD LOOK!" the dad refused to turn around because he was too embarrassed by his kids' candidness.
A shy little 5 yr old boy was staring, timidly tapped his mom, pointed, and the mom replied "if you want to know what happened why don't you ask?" knowing that he wouldn't DARE speak to me.

Parents:
I would like to have a disclaimer for all parents. Kids are curious, they don't know any better. If you ignore their questions, tell them to be quiet, stop pointing or flat out ignore them you are only going to magnify the stigma that is people's disability. If I am smiling at your kid and you while he asks where my leg went, tell them! They aren't stupid (they are actually a lot smarter than you think)! You don't have to dumb it down, just be honest! You are not going to offend me! And I think ANY person knows that kids are not malicious, they are just CURIOUS.

HELP:
If I do not ask for help, don't help me. I do not consider myself DISABLED. I am perfectly ABLE. I do have to do things a little bit different than before. I am not going to let someone patronize me by practically pushing me out of the way to open the door for me, or trying to do my job for me because you think I can't do it. I did not get this far to just let everyone do things for me. I know my limit, and I know when to ask for help, I am not THAT stubborn. I feel like I need to sing a Beatles song now..."help me get my feet back on the ground"...I mean foot

Life Transformed...

2010-03-31T00:14:00.000-07:00

My great grandmother just died this past week at the bold age of 96 and left behind her husband, my great grandpa.

They had been married for 75 years...some people don't even live that long in the first place!

I just keep thinking back to the stories I have heard and wonder if my grandpa is going to die soon. Death from a broken heart? Is there such a thing? Can love even be THAT strong?

Is it wrong I am more sad for my grandpa than I am for my grandma's death?

(Don't get me wrong. I am going to miss her dearly. But she had a long, happy life).

I just keep imagining him that first night lying in that bed all by himself...how would that feel? It breaks my heart to even think about it...

They always say that time flies by the older you get. In this situation, I think the world would stop...

Live, LOVE, Laugh, Never take anything for granted... life is short, even if you do live to be 96 years old.

Just Dance...

2010-03-16T23:57:00.000-07:00

If only it were that easy...

Dance was my outlet, my creativity flowing through me, my spiritual guide through good and bad times, my passage to speaking to God and letting him speak through me, my friend, my life...

Is it sad or wrong that I am still heartbroken over never being able to REALLY dance ballet or modern again? Is it wrong that dance is the only thing I truly mourn losing from all of this??? I mourn losing dance more than I mourn losing my leg... what sense does that make???

It hurts to even watch other dancers just dancing like its nothing...it literally hurts

I didn't even know my last dance would be my last...and for some reason I can remember every beating moment...

Why does it always seem to work out that way? Pianist gets arthritis, photographer goes blind, musician goes deaf, dancer loses her leg... Or maybe we just bring light to these instances because they are more tragic and weirdly poetic...

I feel so selfish saying this but why the fuck did this have to happen? It doesn't seem fair. Can't we just find a way to transfer this pain, sickness, heartache to the evil people in the world? I know so many wonderful people that go through this bullshit every day. My friends' cancer may be back for the FOURTH time... how is that fair???

I love them for it though, because they are the most compassionate, forgiving, wonderful, strong, beautiful people I have and ever will meet. And they wouldn't be who they are if it weren't for cancer.

But why does it have to take CANCER to make these amazing people?

Even though it breaks my heart, I will still dance as much as I can. And I hope my friends will do the same... I know lady gaga seems like the last person to quote but it feels appropriate:

They say roses have thorns, so just dance, it's going to be OK...

Who...

2010-02-21T22:24:00.000-08:00

Who is this girl?

Already damaged, almost broken, almost dead, almost...

Confused to who she is now, trying to find some sort of sense. Maybe find her old self? But I guess after hell no one is really the same...

I forgot about this girl until I saw that picture...

Full of hope and a new sense of life. But scared to make friends because of the ones she lost. Full of dreams, KNOWING this will never happen again...KNOWING...

Holding out for the hope of dancing again...

In so much pain all the time she is never truly herself...

20 pounds lighter, 3 years younger, gone through shit but somehow still naive to the what ifs in life...

Who IS this girl?

Does it really matter anymore? She isn't me...

But who am I?

Some days I feel more whole than I have ever felt in my life. But then I think about what I have lost and it makes me feel just that...lost.

Some days its like this isn't my life...I never imagined my life being like this. Although, I always had some sort of feeling that something was not right with me...

But it still doesn't answer my question...I'm not the goofy teenager I was, I'm not the tormented, angry, self conscious 18-20 yr old either...

All I know is that my life has been harder than most...that may make me a "better and stronger" person in some people's eyes but idk if I feel that way about myself...

I know that people stare when I wear shorts, and some days I feel like telling them to fuck off and other days I wish they would just ask what I know they want to ask.

I don't want to be captured in this little bubble of being an amputee. That's not what defines me, I at least know that much. It's something that happened to me, it was something I had to do to LIVE. It was something I had to do to give me a better chance of NEVER going through this again. It was, the single most difficult decision I have ever made....

So who am I?

I am:
2x cancer survivor, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, amputee, photographer, dancer, choreographer, artist, American, Californian, Christian, musician.

These are all just facts though...but I guess when you mesh them all together that is who I am. This is the path that my life has taken.

Would I change my life if I could? Not sure... if I hadn't gone through any of this I wouldn't be where or who I am now...

Everything Happens For A Reason

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet....

2010-02-04T20:58:00.000-08:00

Sense of smell is the most powerful sense to bring back memories. You smell something and INSTANTLY it brings you back to that certain point in your life. My life has been kind of crazy for the past 5 years, but my childhood and teenage years were pretty normal...ahh the good ole days. I wish I knew what I know now...

Plastic:
ALWAYS reminds me of barbies. Spending hours and hours changing clothes and making up stories. I always picked favorite ones (the Courtney doll, wonder why??) and treated my less favorite ones like crap...its weird what is stuck in our memories.

When I was 5 or 6 I wanted more my little ponies to play with in the tub but my mom said I couldn't take in any more. so I tried to hide them behind my naked little butt. It obviously didn't work and I wasn't allowed to have any in the tub.

Horrid dentist office:
PAIN...thats all I could say. My dentist was so horrible, he would say "oops" at least 3 times which was usually following that scraper jabbing into my gums. He had these GIANT glasses with magnifying glasses attached to them. if you are THAT blind should you really be working on my teeth? And if you are a dentist/orthodontist shouldn't you FLOSS your teeth? AND shouldn't your breath smell ok? AND shouldn't your teeth be straight???? what the hell was my mom thinking??

Cow Manure:
(yes I said cow manure)
Reminds me of my grandparents (they raise cows, although I am sure their house would smell bad either way). I had 4 boy cousins that were close in age. We would jump on the trampoline and end up in fighting matches. I would always play "the nutcracker" and win. haha

I remember feeling so special when my great grandma would let me play her mini penny slot machine. She would always say "Don't tell the boys you get to play with this, I think they would break it if they played with it." We always watched little house on the prairie and the price is right. I was always her favorite...I miss her.

Zipper:
Ok this one is weird. The zippers on my zip up sweaters remind me of ocean salt water. The first time I went to Hawaii I LOVED snorkeling. I was so engulfed with the sea life and what was at the bottom I didn't realize how far I was going out. When I finally got up from the water I could see my dad on the top of the cliff yelling and looking for me. At that time I was just annoyed that I had to come back in. But now that I think of it, I probably had my whole family very very worried...sorry dad.

Fresh cut alfalfa:
My parents home, the home I grew up in. When I was home schooled I would always wander off with Brandy my dog (we grew up together, I miss her too), go through the orchard to the fields behind it, watching the tractors drive off after cutting. Running, making adventures up in my head with my trusty side kick. Looking in the irrigation well and finding a baby doll head, for some reason that scared me. When I would be sad she would come up, stick her head through my arm, and rest her head and whole body on me. Her little version of a doggy hug. She was ran over right before I found out I was sick, but she would always rest her head on my left foot or leg like she knew...

Smell of grass in the morning:
Will FOREVER remind me of morning PE at RC (elementary school). We would always have to run the mile once a week. I still to this day hate running...ha! I have an excuse not to now!!! I would always get a ton of grass in the crevasses of my shoes and would concentrate more on getting all the grass out with my pencil than paying attention to my teacher.

My favorite: leather, linoleum, and a little bit of sweat
The smell of my dance class...the place where I grew up...its still too painful...it's like I didn't get to say goodbye...But I guess that is the theme to life...innocence, my grandma, my dog, my life's passion, my leg...life is a series of hello's and goodbye's...we just remember the goodbyes because they are harder...

What a week

2010-01-17T23:19:00.000-08:00

So I guess since I have been out of "reality" for the past 8 months it decided it wanted to punch me in the face... kind of a "when it rains it pours" situations.

I have been back in Santa Barbara for a little over a week now and it feels like it has been a whole damn month! Here is the gist of my week:

Sunday: Desktop will not stay on and keeps hibernating, don't really know why....great have to go to geek squad tomorrow. Oh! and while we are at it, let's disable your Norton on your laptop and give you a nice virus that puts shortcuts to porn websites right on your desktop...awesome!!! time to go to the gym where I don't have to think about that shit!!!

Monday: Only took my desktop, wasn't sure if Tony could fix my laptop or not. The line was ridiculously long and the geek squad people were having a day from hell...I can relate. Spend 200 bucks... SO off to the gym to have my free personal training, kind of boring and slightly useless. Then it was 3 the computer lab closed at 5:45 and I had to do both my business and photo prep weeks there because, well, I didn't have a computer! I somehow finished it all with 5 minutes to spare. I came home, had a glass of wine and watched whatever was on our one channel that we get on TV. All the while anticipating my first day back at school.

Tuesday: WHAT...THE...FUCK...I am awake, dressed, drinking coffee, out the door..."where the hell is the sun???" OH YEAH its 6:30 in the morning!!! Wonderful 7am business class followed by a 3 hour photo class. I really like the teacher and am excited for the first assignment: duplicate as exact as possible a shot from a photographer that you wrote about in the prep week. Finished early, drove home, took a nap on the couch,and then brought my laptop to Geek squad (another 200 bucks). I went into ATT because it was right there and my blue tooth wasn't connecting. I felt like I walked into a deserted room with 6 little ATT people huddled up behind one of their longer desks chattin' away. (really do they need that many people working all at once?). They fixed it, I went home, had a glass of wine and watched Six feet Under.

Wednesday: I tried really hard to get up to go to the gym but it just didn't happen. Brought my car to get my oil changed where I found out it was very important that my tires be changed that day. So after a lot of phone calls back and forth with my parents another 500 bucks for 4 tires. While I waited I walked and had lunch at a Mexican restaurant and people watched. SO...MANY...UGGS!!! That's the noise I wanna make when I see those damn things....they r everywhere!!! Came home, saw the Hookah Chris sent me was there, found a broken bowl. Went to IV (where everyone is oblivious to the fact that cars exist so they just saunter right in front of you) got a new bowl and some mint hookah. Went to the mail place because he put insurance on it, found out you have to file the claim online...wonderful. Came home, Hung out with Laurel, smoked some hookah, then went out with Ashley to Dargins' to play pool with Bridgor and Aubs. Found out the Marketing class I was supposed to take all the sudden doesnt clash with my photo class... ahhh I just LOVE admin at Brooks...

Thursday: skipped business...went to photo demo with a very cool professional photog who showed us his way of shooting, learned a lot. Went to Jefferson to try and get into the marketing class where the admins were clueless to the fact that my business class interfered with my photo...typical "hey guys!!! look at your FUCKING schedule and you will see the issue!" Couldn't get in. Came home, took my leg off, took a nap, picked up my laptop (no serious damage) then later got up to get ready to go out. Went to Pressroom then wildcat, which was ridiculously packed. almost fell over a couple of times because people were EVERYWHERE and pushing everyone...still fun, lots of friends went.

Friday: Got up late, gave Laurel her keys. Got ready, went the hour and a half to SLO to see the prosthetist to fix the valve on my leg. Met a nice amp girl that worked there, really like the prosthetist very informative. Tara had class so I drove home. Couldn't put my leg on so I just hung out. Called Geek Squad because they never called me "it says we called you" "yeah you called me about my laptop, get your shit straight" Tony helped me get it and plugged it in and everything for me. watched shows on the computer then went to bed.

Saturday: Took FOREVER to get out of bed. Finally got up, got ready, cleaned my room a little bit. went to the bathroom...great, my toilet isn't flushing...I had to pour and pour and pour water into the tank to just flush it once..."everything is breaking around me!!!" went to get gas, went to get drinks etc, came back and cleaned, got ready for the party. Everyone came fashionably late, some left unfashionably early, some for good reason. smoked hookah, drank, and Tim made me a Hookah CD. Funny conversation, good people, all of my christmas candy got eaten, all a very good night :)

Sunday: Started to think my luck was getting better....NOPE! trying to sign up for a studio "student can only walk in on studios because they are a VJ or VIS student, no reservations"....UHHHH since when???? I have ALWAYS been a photo maj. I called, they said I wasn't even enrolled in a class and that was why. "I AM in a class and it is at the same fucking building you are at right now!" there are no managers because its the weekend and tomorrow is a holiday..."perfect" my fucking assignment is due Tuesday morning and you are telling me you can't do anything about it UNTIL Tuesday??? what the hell am I suppose to do?? NO help No help, their hands are tied because they have no authority...so I have to go first thing tomorrow and try and walk in on a studio...

I REALLY HOPE THIS WEEK IS BETTER....THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!!!

FUCK

2010-01-05T02:20:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong that I want to punch my doctor in her stupid fucking face???

Phone calls telling me that I need a needle biopsy is pretty fucking annoying when you are already 3 and a half hours into a drive to move back to a life without assholes like this in it. I have told her more than 5 times I AM MOVING BACK TO SANTA BARBARA AT THE END OF DECEMBER. AND I told her that same thing a week ago when she made me do a last minute MRI that she knew about 3 days before she called me. shouldn't that be something put in my file so you can remember????

Phone call:

Idiot: how are you? Me: Just driving through socal. I: or for vacation? M: no Im moving back to school like I told you...

confusing explantaion for y I need this biopsy (which is more confusing because my surgeon said he didnt see anything worrysome, sooo y the biopsy?)

Idiot: you should do it in 2 weeks or a month. Me: what would u suggest I do? Idiot: Its up to you.

Its up to me???!!! Since when did I get a doctors degree??? Isn't her job to give me her professional opinion on what I am suppose to do in these circumstances?

Me: so is this precaution or is there something to be worried about?.....then the reception goes out, I lose the call, and I cannot get a hold of her.

But of course she calls at like 4:30 so I have no time to call many people to figure out what I am suppose to do. My surgeon had surgeries all day today and the place where I would get the biopsy didn't have the schedule lady there because she was sick. So now its 2:30 in the morning and I am still awake because I am fucking livid and worried and stressed out.

Oh yeah and did I mention I did this MRI a week and a half ago and it only takes a few days for the technician to get back to the doctors...I am sure she had the info last week.

I am done talking to that stupid inconsiderate woman, all she cares about is the diagnosis not the person. I will just talk to my surgeon who actually knows more about my type of cancer than her anyways. I'll let my dad handle her and maybe she will get it through her thick skull that I am a person with a life and don't need to be treated like this....

Almost made it...

2009-12-29T01:01:00.000-08:00

Haven't posted lately... no internet at my parents will do that.

Just got into Santa Barbara last night with Chris. We sat under the stars listening to music and I just started thinking. About how much shit I had to go through to be at this point, back where I am suppose to be. This has been the goal that has kept me focused on beating this bullshit and getting this over with...AGAIN.

I get so angry still that all of this happened...again...I honestly think that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason seems a bit blurry. Maybe it will make more sense later on...

I'm being told how well I am doing, how strong I am...idk just gets old. I am ready to be my independent self again, get back into the swing of things, get the real me out there. I was in so much pain before I feel like the real me had been stifled, maybe now my life can be how I really want it to be.

School starts the 12th for me. Still have one more adjustment for my leg, hopefully it will help my walking to be more normal. The bone scan showed a few dark spots, but the xray showed it was not anything worrisome. I did get an MRI as well and am waiting to hear the results, not expecting anything wrong.

Life is getting back to normal :)

Life as it seems...

2009-11-05T21:25:00.000-08:00

So I am done with chemo. It feels weird, everything feels weird. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that everything is done. but there is always this nagging feeling that it will come back again...

It came back once, so whats stopping it from coming back again??? If it resisted the harsher chemo then how the hell does this other easier chemo fix it? Am I not being told something??? Are the doctors not telling me that since it came back once that it can just keep coming back???

I may have legitimate worries or I may just be freaking out for nothing. Either way I am finished with it all, I can get on with my life hopefully, and not have any more interruptions. I would like to say I am going back to normalcy but I don't think that is an option for me anymore...

Lattes and bagels

2009-10-21T10:07:00.001-07:00

I decided to do chemo one more time. It's only 4 days and half the dose. Hopefully this will help a bit...not a bit, a lot. I got here at the hospital yesterday and instantly got depressed. I have been really happy since I got my leg and have been able to be more independent for myself. So feeling depressed again is super frustrating and I definitely don't want to be feeling like this right now.

Overall life has been getting better. The leg is the main catylist for this. because it was taking sooo long to get the leg I was just getting more and more frustrating and depressing. I had to get snapped out of it because it was getting to be unhealthy.

I've been so so bored lately. I am thinking of things to do, but there are some days where I am too tired or sick to leave my house. But I am still super bored. Especially since I don't have any internet at home. So I am dwindled down to TV, texting, and hanging out with the bf. All of which I obviously don't mind, but when it's the same thing every day it gets monotonous. The puppy has been sick so I haven't been able to play with her.

I went to Santa Barbara this past weekend. It was a really good break from the every day routine I have been confined to recently. I definitely wanted to stay there... 3 more months and I will be back for good :)

Disappointments and Decisions...

2009-09-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

Today was a shitty day. I just woke up not looking forward to going to chemo and just woke up sad. Chemo is just draining and takes a lot out of me for 2 weeks and then felling okay for maybe a week and then doing it all over again. I am so over it and am honestly thinking about stopping chemo or going to the lesser chemo that I was suppose to do in the first place.

I want to just focus on my leg and starting to walk with it and get good at it so that I can be at my best for when I go back to my school. and at least with the lesser chemo I could still do that and start working on myself, my inner self. I want to get back to a fitter healthier me and I can't do that when I am tired and sick 2/3rds of my life. I went to my prosthetician and found out I can never wear flip flops or sandals with the piece that goes in between the toe. I LOVE shoes and as sad as this sounds it made me upset hearing this. They do have the feet that have the holes in the big and middle. But guess what, for some stupid reason that kind of foot voids the warrantee on my 45,000 dollar leg. SO I am stuck. I have this favorite pair of shoes that I can NEVER wear because of some stupid rule.

I feel like this picture I took up above. Far away it looks beautiful, happy, artistic and lively. But you get up close and really look at it and see that its a big blurry swirled jumbled up mess, you can't tell what it is or how it happened or how it got there.

I'm just confused and sad and had a shitty disappointing day.

Portabella Mushroom

2009-09-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

So I have a new puppy. She is really cute but I think all the plants in the living room makes her think she is outside because she poops in there all the time! I like having her, it gives me something to take care of. Chris definitely helps with that though, I can only do so much right now. She's really cute so I think that helps too haha.

My leg got approved!!!! But of course it takes a couple of days for it to get to my prostetician. But I am crossing my fingers I will have it by the end of the week! It kind of sucks though because this is my chemo week and I am going to be too tired to do as much as I want to with the new leg. I just want this step of my journey to be over with already!!! I'm sick of waiting for the next step and the next step until things are normal again. Because the step after getting the leg is learning on it which will take at least 6 months to master. Then after that I have to wait for the skin covering and make sure it looks as normal as possible.

And the chemo step... That step is the hardest, especially the week after because I have to stay at home because I am too sick to go and do anything. I get cabin fever really badly. It takes a toll psychologically having to stay home for 9 days in a row...I hope this new medicine fixes being sick. The same medicine I could have had right at the beginning if my fucking doctor would have had the decency to tell me right away. I hate almost all the people at that hospital they really don't care.

Don't know what else to say...I have 2 more months of this hell and hope to be back in Santa Barbara in 3 months and get back to my life I had to leave behind.

House and Heroes...

2009-09-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

Recently I feel like I live for evening TV shows. I need to do something... hence the new blog page. I just want my leg so that I can get going on that, put my full energy into it. 3 months and counting and still no leg... I have a temporary one but its not sturdy enough to try and walk on without anything.

This break from chemo sucks, I am still having stomach problems and I have less than a week and usually I feel better by now.

I need a creative outlet of some sort, my brain is going crazy with boredom...

September 12, 2009: Half way and it feels so far away...

2009-09-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

So after Monday I will be half way done with chemo… I still have 9 weeks and it feels like forever away. I am so impatient I just want to get on with my life already!!

On top of everything my f-ing leg still hasn’t been approved by my insurance. its been 3 months since my surgery… guys whats the hold up??? I want to start learning on the better leg rather than this unsturdy POS I have right now temporarily.

I’m hoping to be able to go down south next weekend but idk how I am going to feel by then. I am crossing my fingers I can make it. I miss Santa Barbara and all my friends there and I miss my Melanie in LA.

I hate feeling like how I feel today; bored, lethargic, unable to go or feel like going anywhere. There are good days and bad days involving sadness, missing my leg and just overall feeling defeated. Chris helps me a lot with that and helps me feel a lot better when I am feeling down on myself.

What happened to my life 3 months ago? Was it really that short of a time ago? I’m living in SF, doing an internship, living my life, celebrating my birthday, then AGAIN my life gets flipped upside down even more so than before… since when is this fair? Why do I have to go through this TWICE?

I don’t really know anymore, I am waiting for the light at the end of this dark tunnel that I am stuck in right now…

August 19, 2009: Ups and Downs...

2009-09-21T19:52:00.000-07:00

It may sound weird but I am more happy now than I have been for the past 4 years… I was in so much pain for 4 years it started to get to me and made me a person I didnt recognize anymore…

The pain changed me from a happy go lucky care free person who made friends super easily to an anti social sad person who was constantly in pain.

I am just starting to feel so much better...Im not in pain anymore and I should be getting my leg in the next 2 weeks and I can start getting back to somewhat normalcy. Chris is noticing it too, i dont know how to explain it either…

2nd week of chemo this week kinda tired. once this week is over i have 4 more rounds...hopefully be done before thanksgiving.

June 22, 2009: Life and what it brings your way...

2009-09-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

hmmm where to begin??

I’m still at a loss about how to feel. For the most part I’m staying positive, but there are times where I think about everything too much and I start to cry and feel depressed and pissed about everything. Chris is always there to tell me just what I need to hear.
But I still feel like FUCK! not only do I have cancer when I am 18, but I GET IT FUCKING TWICE IN 5 YEARS??!! WHOEVER SAID LIFE IS FUCKING FAIR IS LYING OUT THEIR ASS OR HAS NEVER TRULY HAD SOMETHING SHITTY HAPPEN TO THEM. I just keep thinking “this isn’t fair, what the hell did I do to deserve a life like this?”

I sit there with some people I know and they are complaining about petty shit that won’t matter in a week or a month and it just pisses me off.

Something that just tops off the icing on this cake made of shit is the whole fertility situation. I wanted to try and save the eggs I have left so in case everything gets damaged beyond repair during chemo me and Chris will still have that later on. But it will be 4 or more weeks before they could be extracted, and guess how much the shots cost to get the eggs out??? 8,000 dollars!!! yes I said thousand. and thats with insurance and the cancer foundation covering as much as they can. So for one I can only wait 1 more week maximum to start chemo and where the hell would I get that kind of money?? I wish they would have just told us that right off the bat. So basically I am just going to forget the whole fertility and cross my fingers I will still have a chance once this is all finished.

I start chemo on monday the 27th. It is 3 different chemos, 2 IV and one pill 5 days in a row, 1 week of chemo and 2 weeks off for almost 5 months. Its a lot less harsh but its still gunna be shitty. SO my last day of chemo is November 13th...Friday the 13th, hopefully its lucky for me instead. but thats with no set backs throughout the cycles.

Just so everyone knows, its hard for me to see and talk to everyone, it gets really physically and emotionally tiring. So if I don’t get back to you one way or another please don’t take it personally, I honestly appreciate everyone’s prayers and good thoughts and letters and phone calls and offers to help out. Thank you so much.
I’m just trying to enjoy my last couple of days as a healthy person with hair… I’m gunna miss it...I just hate knowing I have to do this all over again…

June 17, 2009: I've Decided...

2009-09-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

Im choosing amputation, I actually feel calm about it though...

I feel this is the right decision...

My surgery will most likely be Wednesday the 24th... I have a week with my leg and I don't really know how to feel

**sigh** I don't know what else to say right now

June 15, 2009: Amputation, I don't even want to say it...

2009-09-21T19:27:00.000-07:00

That is now the most difficult question I and I alone have to answer...

How the hell will I be able to answer that question? I am so so torn...

PROS
If I amputate:

only 2 % chance of recurrence of cancer. no more pain. more mobility. no more bending difficulties. Quicker recovery. (this is going to sound weird) but for being a photographer people who would possibly hire me would remember me if not for my photography but for my leg. they actually have some really awesome real looking prosthetics.

CONS

Its my f*ing leg! its irreversible. Its going to take forever for me to cope. I have a panic attack just thinking about it. people will always stare at me. I will never have the chance to dance like I did before. its above the knee. I have to relearn how to walk.

who really knows the future?? thats the only way I can make the decision and know that its the right one... I am so so scared...

This is the hardest decision I have and will ever have to make and I hate that I am forced to make this decision

June 9, 2009: I thought I was done with this...

2009-09-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not really ok... I was walking into the pharmacy when I got the phone call that I wasnt expecting... My surgeon was on the other line and he didn't sound like his usual self. He said he did some routine tests on the tissue he took out from my surgery last monday. He didnt expect it but he found cancer again...

Im so crushed and dissapointed & disheartened... I only have 1 year left at school and 2 weeks left with this semester... I did not expect this at all.. I feel like once I get my life together its getting taken away again...

I have to have all the metal replica of my bone taken out and put back in again, and that was the worst part of everything... I was in soo much pain and the rehab was sooo hard. I was just getting to the point where I thought Id be able to dance again and now i dont even know if he will be able to salvage my leg...

I thought this was over, I thought I was getting on with my life, I thought I was close to my career...

I thought I was getting back to having a good leg again, I thought I was going to be able to walk without a limp and bend my leg far enough so that people wouldnt trip over it. I thought that maybe just maybe I would be able to dance again one day...

And now I dont even know if I will have a leg 6 months from now... If I lose my leg idk what I will do, but I'm pretty sure I will be very very depressed...

This isn't fair...